Posted by Shar on January 28, 2002, at 12:44:55
In reply to Re: self-hate as the easy way out., posted by finelinebob on January 28, 2002, at 1:21:11
"...realizing that I hurt myself, I punish myself, I hate myself ultimately because I enjoy it more, at some level, than it hurts."
FLB--
I agree with much of what you said, and you are most articulate.However, for me, I would modify the "enjoy" part of your above statement to be something like "it feels safer than it hurts" or similar idea.
Obviously, self-hate or being the first to criticize oneself (a forte of my own) is a safety mechanism that keeps the pain away from our tender selves. We were probably pretty beat up (internally, externally) in order to develop that response in the first place.
It's the old "I'll hate me first, before anyone else can, so it won't be hurtful or be a surprise when everyone finds I'm a good target for their disdain." Well, probably in fewer words, but you get the idea.
I'm not sure enjoyment at any level enters into it; more like the relief at not feeling that intense destructive pain. IMHO.
And, I agree, self-hate is not easy...not for the squeamish.
Shar
poster:Shar
thread:17351
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020125/msgs/17378.html