Posted by finelinebob on January 28, 2002, at 1:21:11
In reply to self-hate as the easy way out., posted by paula on January 27, 2002, at 23:02:56
You know, some of the discussions around here lately have pointed out perhaps some naivete, definitely a lot of luck, on my part ... mostly in realizing how much I trust my T, how I stumbled across one that I truly could trust, and how the situation could be sooooo different than it is.
It still took me over a year to realize that I needed her help. One day, I just had to say it out loud -- to literally ask her for her help. That was one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life.
Still, I'm not quite sure that self-hate is the "easy way out". Such well-established habits may be hard to break, but it doesn't mean that doing them is easy. Some of the ways I punish myself involve a lot more effort than turning to my T or a friend for help, or even just a conversation.
Hating myself is seemingly effortless, as opposed to it being easy, because I'm so good at it and I've been doing it for so long. Pro athletes make playing their sports look easy ... why would that be any different for us? I mean, can you imagine a so-called "normal" person chastising himself or herself? Amateurs! Posers! Duffers! Gimme a break!
Personally, I think I qualify for all-star status: I'm convinced that there is no one who knows how to punish me "correctly" other than myself. As a result, no one's criticisms can touch me -- my rules for living my life are different from how I expect everyone else to live their lives, and those rules are a helluva lot tougher than anything a reasonable person would expect. So if there is anyone more amateur IMO than the posers mentioned above it would be someone trying to hurt me. I can always easily one-up them.
I can't say that I'm all that found of behaviorism as a theory for explaining complex human behaviors, but as a professor of mine told me once, "you may not agree with the theory, but you can't argue against its results." Rewards and punishments work. Once burned, twice shy. On the other hand, look at how much energy humans put into activities we find rewarding. The more we like it, the harder we work at getting that feeling back again.
So, even harder than literally asking my T for help was realizing that I hurt myself, I punish myself, I hate myself ultimately because I enjoy it more, at some level, than it hurts. I mean, think about it for a second: "No one can punish me correctly other than myself." What's a normal response to that? How sad? sick? pitiful?
How about: How arrogant? conceited? narcissistic? It leads me to set myself up for failure time and time again. The beauty is I can work myself up to the point where I don't even need to try and fail -- I know I'll fail before I start, so I skip the preliminaries and go straight to the verbal abuse. Talk about getting your wires crossed....
So, as for me, I know I put waaaaaaay too much effort and energy into self-hate than I'd need to love myself without hate as a mechanism. Yes, breaking such ingrained habits is very hard work. I just don't understand well enough how my wires got crossed and why I prefer them that way to consider the effort to break the habit worth my attention.
my 2cents
flb
poster:finelinebob
thread:17351
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020125/msgs/17357.html