Posted by wendy b. on November 29, 2001, at 0:03:09
In reply to Wendy where are you? :) (nm), posted by Krazy Kat on November 27, 2001, at 19:55:37
I'm still here, but you're gone to Spain! Thank you guys for checking in. I have been "going through something," high level of anxiety, mostly. Leads me to think things are just chaotic in my life, like I'm being pulled in too many directions. So I find I have to close up shop, in a way, to re-center and get a focus. Minimum of talk to others is a symptom of this.
Also, had a bad session with my therapist last week, and I felt really upset by it. Guess I rely on it to such an extent to validate me and my experience, that when it goes wrong, I think the world is coming to an end. Which of course it's not... I guess I'll have to learn to take the chunky with the smooth (to paraphrase one of my brit faves, Billy Bragg). As with any other human relationship. She and I were just kind of spitting at each other. I thought she was being insensitive, she thought I was feeling sorry for myself. Or I think that's what she thought, it's so hard to be in someone else's head, when your own isn't screwed on so tight... She said something like: "I'm not going to sit by and allow you (or watch you) become a VICTIM of this illness..." Because I was crying. And maybe I WAS feeling sorry for myself. So the fuck what? I don't know, just stepping into her office makes me feel like crying. Perhaps it's a good thing. I feel safe enough there to just wail. She knows that (we talked yesterday). Sometimes I wonder about this kind of 'affect,' though, i.e., related to affectation, in other words, I go in and display my symptom. Like it's somehow expected. Like I expect it, or is it really real? Is it just produced on cue, like Pavlov's dogs? Salivate, god damn it...
Anyway, I worked it out in my tiny pea-sized brain. I'm feeling the therp's acting like (saying things like) my sister, and I don't like or want that. (Dr. Freud: "So zee transference is coming out, yah!"). So I mulled it over during the holiday, and now things are better. Getting focused... my new mantra...
more anon,
W.
poster:wendy b.
thread:14406
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011117/msgs/14506.html