Posted by wendy b. on October 27, 2001, at 15:28:30
In reply to garbagemx piobmx19 bronchusevemx24 vletrmx21 , posted by kid_A on October 25, 2001, at 16:59:04
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> my problem is that i rely on other people for my own strength... strength that should ultimately come from me... i let it slip that i 'need' people, as soon as casuals feel that they are 'neeeded' they feel crowded... they don't know how to react... nobody casual wants to feel necisary to someone elses happiness... but truth be told, i enjoy all my friends, they contribute to my happiness... its just some i enjoy more than others...
Hi Kid: Yes! We depend on other people for our happiness! In a real world, with real feelings, I think this is totally natural. We all want to feel complete in someone else's eyes - the goal I think is the way we feel about ourselves, that ought to be proud and full and confident. That we are complete already.Kid, you are complete already. Look at the beauty of your voice in your writing... There is a confident, heart-full man, with something to say...something he has to express. It takes a lot of courage to do what you're doing. And all in the middle of a breakdown. (We should have another thread about 'Breakdowns' and what that means...)
Xanax is good. It is also great you have the doc at the other end of the phone-line. Interesting that Geodon works well for you. I should look that up for myself.
> the fact is, in life you have to play the game with the cards held close to your chest, and make no moves...
I know how this feels, I have always said this to myself. 'Shut up! Don't talk so much. Don't reveal anything...' But I know it's wrong. Especially for creative people, people who rely on their creativity for the way they deal with or live in the world... When you write poetry, you can't hold your cards close to your chest, it doesn't work.Sometimes I think: we pick the wrong people over and over again. I feel that I have done that all of my life. That everything I have revealed to anyone, with my whole heart and soul, has always come around to bite me in the ass. When all is said and done. They throw your failures and your faults in your face and use it cruelly against you. Blaming you for the whole problem.
Maybe SHE was the problem, Kid. Maybe you made a mistake in trusting her. Or like others have said, maybe she has some intense stuff that she's dealing with, and can't express, and is frightened. That's how I feel about them, they get frightened easily, their own anxiety is at least some of the problem.
>i miss the way she could shriek in delight at a song she loved, or the positive criticism she gave my writing... when you find special things about someone, you tend to put them on a throne, especially if you were at once (once, still, perhaps), in love w/ them...
Yes, I think those of us who cannonize our loves, have probably had a serious problem with the parent of the opposite sex, and that the issues are unresolved. I think it's throwing onto our lovers what we wished we had gotten from our fathers or mothers. That it all goes back to that elemental, primary relationship.
> finding this board has been a great outlet for me, and there is so little that you need to 'explain'... so many people here know how it feels, and im so gratefull there are people who can understand....
Yes, that's the best thing. You can freak out here, and no one judges you about it. You are still an esteemed member of the 'clan,' so to speak. Susan is right, though (as usual), mentioning that now you have to have enough stability and mental acuity to pass the new little test. I guess informed conset means you have to have at least some wits about you, even through the fog of depressive/bipolar/whatever illness...
> thanks everyone for the responses... pdoc upped my xanax dosage today after mental breakdown... hooray... nothing like xanax to round of the edges of a saber pawed porcupine...
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> ...
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> to be in your eyes...
> to be in your eyes...
> to be in your eyes...
Anne Sexton, "The Fury of God's Good-bye"
One day He
tipped His top hat
and walked
out of the room,
ending the argument.
He stomped off
saying:
I don't give guarantees.
I was left
quite alone
using up the darkness.
I rolled up
my sweater,
up into a ball,
and took it
to bed with me,
a kind of stand-in
for God,
that washerwoman
who walks out
when you're clean
but not ironed.When I woke up
the sweater
had turned to
bricks of gold.
I'd won the world
but like a
forsaken explorer,
I'd lost
my map.__________
with love and hope,
Wendy
poster:wendy b.
thread:12968
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011025/msgs/13035.html