Posted by Nadezda on September 16, 2008, at 16:20:01
In reply to Re: I have no idea what to talk about with my T » Nadezda, posted by Dinah on September 16, 2008, at 13:01:13
I do think it's somehow more complicated than I 've been able to say. I can't explain why I feel that, or why my therapy is different, at this point, from what most people get. Maybe it's that I've been so depressed for most of my life and used at conveying to people around me, for quite powerful reasons, that I just can't do whatever it is-- why I couldn't go to school very often, or, after high school, get good grades, or talk in class, or write understandable papers (I did eventually learn to do that, but it took me a long time and a lot of extra work)-- why I can't get a job (because I freak out in interview situations-- which I in fact do)-- Why I can't show my work to anyone (I'm too afraid that they'll hate it), or go to a painting class to pick up a particular technique (I feel too inadequate and that I won't be ablel to learn it, but will get muddled and be a failure) and on and on.
I don't know if my T is feeling hopeless at my ever pushing through all this mountain of fear and self-denigration, unless I'm forced to-- that I'll back away from the difficulties as I've always done-- even though the meds have helped a lot and I'm not in the emotional state I used to be in. I don't know if he feels that if he shows the least sympathy or acceptance of my desire to hide from all this-- figuratively-- I'll just continue all these lifelong patterns. He says I'm really good at evoking sympathy and "understanding" of my not being able to do things, so maybe he's being extra harsh because he feels as if this skill I have is getting in my way.
I know this wouldn't be right for most people-- and in lots of ways, it is very harsh and definitely not as nuanced as I wish it were. I do think he could be less mean. But I do see a lot of what he's saying, and I feel as if somehow I could be more competent and risk-taking in my life, if I could make more contact with parts of myself that I've lost touch with a long time ago.
At the same time, I do feel as though his not helping me more afffirmatively means a lot of appointments are pretty disastrous-- or, well, to be less self-dramatizing (as he says) pretty barren and stuck. I somehow get so caught in a certain stance of antagonism-- which I think is also understandable-- but which gets in my way, too-- and can't get away from the anger that goes along with it, even if at other times, I do see that I need to be more self-reliant and able to work my way through things, with more agency and self=affirmation in the absence of affirmation from outside.
I do go back and forth a lot about it. The last few years have been really full of turmoil in our relationship-- and I thought things were calming down-- but I guess he thinks I'm pulling back again. Which maybe I am. I'm just so used to running away from experiences and people.
He could do better-- but he is who he is-- so if he can help me, I think I should put up with his harshness-- I just wish I could be a lot stronger and more insightful and committed to what I need to do-- and I wish I knew how to work in therapy, what to think about, and what types of things would be helpful to talk about.
I really mean that. I feel as if I"m going to go and just sit there without knowing what to say, which is what happens a lot recently. It's like I'm not who I was before, but I'm not really anything else either. I have a feeling this doesn't explain it, but Ive already deleted another long post, so maybe I'll just have to try to do better later.
Thanks a lot for your response.
Nadezda
poster:Nadezda
thread:852262
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080906/msgs/852329.html