Posted by Nadezda on September 16, 2008, at 9:57:45
All these years, I've been in a deep depression, which has moderated a lot with the right ADs and I guess a lot of work (which I don't think I'm aware of doing per se, but which must have been part of it, I think).
The thing is, my T has gotten really frustrated with me for not changing more and/or faster. He says I'm really adept at getting people to make an exception for me, and seeing me as somehow not able to meet ordinary rules and standards-- and that they give me some special waiver. Or if I don't think they will-- which I experience consciously as my feeling very afraid of the situation and unable to go-- I just avoid it, and stay inside this cocoon of isolation and private experience. but that means there's a lot of stuff I miss out on, which I now want to have a change to experience.So, when I go to see him, and try to talk about my hesitance or anxiety about doing things-- and about how to cope with it-- he gets really annoyed, frustrated or bored (or all of the above) -- and sort of stares at his cellphone or off into space, and scowls. He says the DBT people (I'm in a DBT group) can help me with strategies for comping with anxiety. That's not his job-- we're supposed to talk about the problem in some different way. Then when I don't know what to say, he gets mad.. He claims that I do know, and that if I don't know, it's only because I don't want to change, and he's told me how to go forward too many times, and he's not going to tell me again. I have no idea what he's told me. He says it's up to me now. So we sit there, and I feel completely baffled and at a loss. And then I start to get really mad and/or desperate about what he wants-- and he gets more and more irritated and tired of my failure to do whatever it is.
Things kind of spiral downward from there. This happens almost every time, unless I get some major idea, usually from talking to my boyfriend. But then the conversation runs out of steam the next day.
I honestly don't know what to talk about. I was wondering-- what do you all talk about-- if you don't talk about anxieties, fears, concerns-- which is calls my complaining and trying to get special treatment, which he now won't give me-- what do you associate to if not past experiences? --which he says he's tired of hearing about, because we've done that?
I really feel as if, if I don't get some idea of what I'm doing, I can't go in. It's gotten to the point where even though I get a lot out of the good conversations, the awkward, tension-filled sessions predominate by far and I'm really dispirited by his telling me that I might as well just leave if I don't know how I want him to help me. My boyfriend, who knows me really well, and who is much more sympathetic when we talk, says I also should know what to do-- so if anyone has any ideas what to associate to, or how to proceed, I be awfully happy to hear them.
Nadezda
poster:Nadezda
thread:852262
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080906/msgs/852262.html