Posted by Dinah on August 21, 2005, at 10:11:26
Therapy has been a waste lately. We've been *chatting*. He didn't understand the thing about "I". And the biggest reason is that I'm avoiding the topic most on my mind because I know he doesn't agree with me, and I see no reason fighting about it.
I think it's a bad thing that I've internalized him, grown stronger, and need him less. Growing up also comes to mind, but my therapist prefers that I avoid that term because I have such negative feelings about it.
He doesn't see how those things can be a bad thing.
But they are!!!! They lessen my need for him. He says I can still need to see him, or want to see him even if I don't need to. That I don't need to lose him just because my need is lessening.
Pbbbbttttttt!!!!!!
The way I see it, need and fear of loss are to a therapeutic relationship what passion is to a romantic relationship. It's the glue to the attachment. It binds you closer to the other person, gives an intensity to the relationship.
The difference is that, ideally, when the passion ebbs from a committed romantic relationship, there are other things that bind two people close together. A shared life, shared love for children, memories, goals.
But what replaces need and fear of loss in a therapeutic relationship? Nothing. Or at least I can't think of anything that puts energy in a therapeutic relationship other than need, fear of loss, and passion (however unrequited). I wish I *were* in love with him, even though it would be unrequited, because it would provide that tie that binds. But I just don't feel that way about him. I don't really feel that way about anyone, but if I were able to, it wouldn't be him.
I need to be drawn back in, attached more firmly, or I am miserable and life barely seems worth living. But I just can't find a way to do it without the same sort of need I used to have. :(
I suspect that one reason he doesn't understand is because it was, of course, one sided. The need, the binding, the connection, was all on my side.
So he doesn't understand how different it feels.
I'm really depressed.
And I can't really talk about it with him, because as many times as I try, I can't really convey that yes, I know there are good things about internalizing him and growing stronger, but they're nowhere near as valuable to me as the connection based on need was. So what I'm gaining is nowhere near as valuable to me as what I'm giving up. He knows that in order to climb a ladder you have to give up the rung you're on to reach for the next rung. But he doesn't *know* that the next rung is worthless to me if I lose the rung I had. And I just can't seem to explain it to him.
I left him a series of voicemails Friday trying to explain this. He didn't call me back. I hadn't asked him to. But I have this sneaking fear that he's going to turn what I said into something icky again. :(
poster:Dinah
thread:544714
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/544714.html