Posted by 10derHeart on March 12, 2005, at 17:27:09
In reply to Eye contact..., posted by alexandra_k on March 7, 2005, at 19:49:32
I've been totally fascinated and surprised by this thread. Once again, I'd thought this was so peculiar of a thing, that I was the only one...(plz don't take that wrong, anyone)
I've had this problem all of my adult life. At work, I've had several supervisors call me in for private talks just about this issue. They said it made me appear shifty, shy, strange, untrustworthy, lacking in confidence (<BINGO ! duh.....!!) and a host of other comments I can't recall - this goes back probably almost 20 years. Guess what? I couldn't look at these supervisors for very long while they were telling me this. I'd try to force myself, and just couldn't! Some then thought yelling at that point, or ordering me to look at them would help. Uhh, no...except I did look at one mean ^itch like I wanted to do her in for treating me like that...
Anyway, happens in mostly every setting, except with my closest friends and family. I have *self-monitored* for a long time to try to note how I feel when I do it. When I start explaining my point of view, opinion, or reasons why I think and feel a certain way, I almost always do it. There's an inward cringe, waiting for (usually imagined) disapproval, scorn, that precedes the looking away by about a milisecond. I try SO HARD sometimes to force myself to keep looking up at the person again, because I know they do get all sorts of weird messages as I look at the floor, sky, wall and shoes while talking. But I literally can't do it.
With therapists, it's better, the more I know and trust them. Trust their controlled reactions, open acceptance, their ability to laugh WITH me. But I still do it. I have brought this up to my T. as a future topic. Told him I am very scared to dig into it, as I can tell it's a symptom of some really old, ingrained yuckky feelings about myself. Which came from I don't know where. But they are there, because if I imagine talking about why eye contact feels so awful - just thinking of it when I'm alone - I tear up and my chest gets tight and I don't know why.
Apparently, from those warning signs, it may be important to find out. Yikes. (looking down at the floor...)
poster:10derHeart
thread:467966
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050305/msgs/470173.html