Posted by antigua on July 29, 2004, at 9:33:10
In reply to For antigua, posted by Susan47 on July 28, 2004, at 11:39:20
No, I don't mind at all. I've told it before and with more time passing it changes every time.
Last spring I decided to try out a CBT group that my MD (great person) had recommended. My regular T was away and I just jumped in w/o even consulting her (probably my first mistake). Like many PTSD sufferers (csa)I have very distorted expectations of other people's behavior. I know I don't see the world very clearly and I wanted to recognize and replace this distorted perception w/more "acceptable" behavior. I wanted to learn to respond in another way. I admit that I was frustrated w/my long-term (13 years!)therapy and felt stuck. I've been steadily making progress, and I love my T, but I wanted it all to be over faster (ha! what a joke. can't rush this)
So I went to this group everyday for six weeks. At the end of the first phase a decision would be made as to whether we would continue w/a weekly long-term group. We were assigned a T for individual sessions as well. The T I picked was a quiet, soft-spoken, intelligent, person. I picked him because he didn't call up anything specific in me and I thought that was a good sign. I felt no sexual feelings toward him at all and that felt comfortable.
We spent the six weeks w/him encouraging my trust, encouraging me to open up to the group and admit that I had experienced csa as a young girl. He kept telling me that he couldn't help if I didn't trust him. To his credit, he worked very hard at it (I obviously have male issues). Despite reservations, I did open up in group. The reaction wasn't positive, or I didn't perceive it as such, but I figured he was the professional and knew what he was doing (second mistake).
At the end of the first phase, he decided that I was to continue w/long-term weekly group therapy w/him and another T, who I liked well enough. I signed the insurance papers, etc. and accepted the decision.
I had one session left and he called me into his office and stunned me by saying "we've decided we can't help you anymore" and was going to refer me out. In essence, he said I was out of there and he showed me to the door. All in about two minutes. He seemed to be nervous and wanted me out of there as fast as possible. He made it clear he didn't want to have anything more to do w/me, which of course kicked my "shame factor" into high gear. I didn't have a clue as to what was going on. Maybe I was just naive to believe everything he had told me. I was terribly embarrased and mortified. I had shared my painful secrets and I was that disgusting of a creature that even he couldn't stand me anymore, or at least that was what I thought.
I was absolutely stunned. Now, it isn't that he was going to refer me out (that may have been the better plan) but it is the WAY he did it. I felt absolutely betrayed after I had done everything that had been asked of me (trusting, taking risks, etc.) He didn't even acknowledge that we had already agreed to the next phase, and he didn't explain why he was doing this or why he had changed his mind.
As the guy was sitting in his chair, it hit me like a brick: he was just like my father, who had brutally betrayed me in every way possible: verbally, physically, emotionally and sexually. Then I looked closer and recognized all of the similarities w/my father, both in his physical appearance and character traits. How could I have missed it? I couldn't believe it. He was acting very authoritarian, which my father was as well.
The fall out was (and still is) horrible. It sent me into a spiraling downward, very dangerous depression. It put me right back to square one. My poor T had to pick up the pieces.
And that was it. It was the FIRST time I had ever reached out to a male figure and he responded in the worst possible way for me. Maybe it was the type of therapy, I don't know, but it sure didn't start out that way. I can't even understand it intellectually, which is my usual response, or rationalize it. I guess it was like being a little girl and wanting to know "why" but there never will be an answer.
For many months, and to a certain extent even today, I was engulfed with strong, sexual transference feelings toward him and no way to resolve them. The whole nature of this "figment" relationship had changed and I was left just as I was as a young girl--shamed, humiliated and all alone.
Any responsible T could see that this was inappropriate. He left me to die. Since I have no explanation I'm left to my own distorted thoughts (which I went into CBT to correct!) He did so much damage--there is no redeeming value to what I experienced, none. There is no good side to this at all. The only lesson he taught me is that no man in authority can be trusted and I still feel very ashamed. I'm not being harsh on myself, it's just the facts really. I can't take this and help build a better relationship in the future. It was a devastating experience.
Any questions?
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:371208
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040728/msgs/371974.html