Posted by mair on December 26, 2004, at 11:40:40
In reply to Re: I made it through. » mair, posted by Dinah on December 26, 2004, at 10:32:13
Maybe I can't access those feelings and memories them because I've kept my emotional and physical distance for quite awhile. From the time I found out my father was going to die until he died (about 2 weeks later), I was with him alot but he was mostly incoherent, so I never was able to have a conversation with him. In some respects I was relieved. And while I and all of my siblings and my step mother were there with him when he died, none of us wanted to be with his body afterwards. It so much didn't look like him. I think you were very brave to stay with your father.
I know what you mean about the after death sainthood however. I can't remember much good or bad of a very personal nature, but the person who has come to life for me is the very public person I remember from my childhood. People were drawn to my father and he needed people around him. He had an amazing capacity to remember not only names but the details of people's lives - for years even after he had last seen them. As you might imagine, that would make someone feel very special, and I loved being witness to that when I was younger. There were so many public and personal testimonials after he died - that part of him, the public person, had disappeared for me in the last several years, both because he got so feeble, and because I saw him so infrequently around non-family members, which is when he was at his best. My therapist has pointed out to me, however, that there is a difference between having my father do something for me that made me feel special, and feeling special just because I was related to someone who was so wonderful to others. I envy you that you can remember the things your father did that were centered on you. I think you'll be able to draw great comfort from those memories for years.
My husband and my 16 year old daughter certainly have their difficulties sometimes, but he does things that I'm sure make her feel special - I was amazed yesterday to see the very beautiful jewelry box he bought her totally on his own - tucked in the box were a couple of different sets of earrings, also selected by him. I can't imagine my father ever doing that. My daughter loves long dangly earring and big hoops. I get annoyed sometimes by how clueless my husband is about things happening with our children, but I have to give him more credit for knowing things like what kinds of earrings our daughter likes - because I think that's a wonderful thing. Of course I was one of 5 kids, so maybe it was a matter of numbers.
Why do you think your marriage may not be able to hold up? Are you so consumed with grief that you can't engage with your own family members? Life does have a way of trudging on. You said something in another post I read about your husband's grief. Did his mother die too - I know she has been sick as well?
Dinah - I've been very much out of the loop here for awhile, but I know how much you did for your parents - I know how much you put your own mental health at risk to meet their demands - you should be very proud of yourself for that and for the time being, try to just comfort yourself with those good memories without worrying about the fact that they're only part of the story.
I'm glad you're willing to share this on PB.
Mair
poster:mair
thread:431436
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20040811/msgs/434269.html