Posted by EmilyUK on November 25, 2003, at 5:51:25
i split up with my boyfriend last night, after 5 years. it was a very complex relationship but i genuinely love him and thought he loved me. I was searching the net this morning to try to take my mind off of it all, and found myself typing in the words, ' I want to die' and somehow i linked to here.
the first post i read was from a girl who had split up with her partner 3 months before and she was still no stronger or happier. I dont feel like i will ever recover from this either. no matter how much time passes I will still be as much in love with him as I am now.
we share a flat and I cannot bear to move out and be apart from him, although i realise that this will not help towards me getting over him. But thats just it, I dont want to get over him, I want to be with him so much, at any cost almost. Our relationship has been a rocky one, but we have weathered all storms up until now, and i dont understand why we cant do the same again. We have had a harsh year this year emotionally , for the both of us, and we have been each others only support, and although he can put the emotion to the back of his mind, I cannot and still cant get over what we went through. I dont know if he has stayed with me this year just because of that situation, but i dont really want to dwell on that too much, but basically i need him. He is everything to me, and I have given up most of my friends for him.
i live in a lonely place (london) with nobody close to me that i can lean on for support in this break up and so i am forced into a situation whee i have only myself to depend on, and although i always thought i was strong, i am now realising i am still a little girl at heart, unable to handle situations. And my god the phsyical pain of heartbreak. I can see how it is literally possible to die of a broken heart, ive never hurt so much and im not sure how i am going to cope. I know in the grand scale of things that breaking up with a boyfriend is not that serious but it is the longest relationship ive been in and ive never opened myself up to one person so much as i have to him, and ive never trusted anyone like this before, and now i feel like a fool.
i know that when the time comes i have to leave (maybe be sooner rather than later) i will be calling all the time, essentially driving him away from any chance of being my friend. could i cope with being his friend? im not sure. again i want him in my life but can i handle it if he starts seeing someone else? mind you, his drinking will stop him from keeping anyone else no doubt. i cant see anyone else putting up with what i did in terms of that. i want him to be happy i just want him to be happy with me. whats wrong with me. ive always been a rock to him and his family, and i am devasted that i will not see any of them again, but worse is the fear he will disappear and i will never see him again. its all such a mess. i want to die.
poster:EmilyUK
thread:283517
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/283517.html