Posted by Minnie-Haha on May 22, 2005, at 14:08:30
In reply to Re: Dr Bob: question about being blocked or PBC'd? » Minnie-Haha, posted by alexandra_k on May 21, 2005, at 22:26:52
> > Then I was blocked a second time for trying to discuss whether or not a certain kind of behavior (that makes me and others feel put-down) is civil,
>
> See... I thought that was the problem. The behaviour in question doesn't *make* anyone feel put down...If name-calling and cursing can result in a PBC or a block, I don’t see how other forms of behavior can’t be discussed as possibly offensive. Whether others think it’s valid or not, I *do* feel put down by the behavior we were talking about, and others feel the same.
For comparison, consider the thread “Is reading certain boards intrusive?” It snowballed into a long, heated debate about whether or not smaller (to some, exclusive) boards should be allowed on Psycho-Babble. It seems that this subject has come up before with similar results. Many people had and still have strong feelings about this. The very idea of such a proposition “made” people feel this way – some even declared they would leave the community if this happened. Those feelings seem to be acknowledged, and to-date no smaller boards have been created. To some, creating boards isn’t a behavior: it’s just another board option. To others, posting on such boards would be exclusionary behavior, even if that is not the intention. In fact, you wrote:“Why hasn’t he [Dr. Bob] implemented the idea already? Do you really believe that people’s negative responses have been completely unrelated to his decision to hold off? … I personally take all this as evidence that he has shown reluctance to implement something that some people feel this strongly about. That shows me that he is reluctant to hurt people over this. Maybe he was hoping that people would come around in time… Maybe he is still hoping this... ”
You also explained your POV on why some would like to have smaller boards:
“ … The idea is that some people don't participate on social because they feel overwhelmed by the number of posters / posts there … ”
Here you acknowledge that larger boards “make” some feel uncomfortable.
> Feeling put down is not an inevitable result or response to the behaviour. It is about owning your emotional responses as your emotional responses. Taking responsibility for your own responses rather than blaming someone else for *making* you feel that way.This is verbatim from the FAQ section "What does 'civil' mean?"
“It's fine to give others feedback as long as its constructive. It tends to be more constructive if you put things in terms of what the other person might do better rather than what they did ‘wrong’. And it tends to be more conducive to harmony to talk about how you feel than what someone else did, for example, to use an I-statement like ‘I feel put down by what you said’ instead of a you-statement like ‘you're so arrogant’.
Of course, some people don’t agree with the “I-statement”, but from my understanding, that doesn’t matter: it’s a civility guideline.
> >using completely hypothetical examples
>
> It was very clear what you were getting at and what was really on your mind.In my first thread, yes, it was clear. In my second thread, I used hypothetical situations. I can’t control that others assume I am talking about a particular person. I am telling you here, as I said at the beginning of my second thread, that I am talking about the behavior, not a person.
> >*and* with good intentions,
>
> Sorry, what was your intention? I thought it was to get the behaviour stopped so you (and others) wouldn't *have* to feel put down.
>
> In the effort to persuade / convince others that there is something unacceptable in the behaviour you did resort to personal attacks. I thought that that was why you were blocked. It seems that the reason why you find the behaviour upsetting is because you think the poster intends for you to feel upset. You were blaming the poster for your upset.In the first thread, yes, I let my emotions get the better of me and I engaged in a personal attack. I done wrong, as they say, and I apologized. But many here have screwed up, apologized, and then been forgiven. The slate is wiped clean.
> It is hard to learn to take responsibility for ones own emotional responses. And one will get blocked if one blames others for them.
Unless they are in response to a breaking of the civility rules, which I assume can be reevaluated from time to time.
> If you can't understand that then my prediction is that you will keep getting blocked... And either leave (as many others have done) or, hopefully come to get this and prevent that from happening.
> > Finally, does anyone have any idea how the behavior we were talking about *can* be discussed without the person bringing it up getting PBCd/blocked?
>
> If you can own your own emotions it shouldn't be a problem…
>
> If you don't get this then I would say that you are best to keep away from the topic or it is very likely you will get blocked again…
poster:Minnie-Haha
thread:500533
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20050517/msgs/501245.html