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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rainbowbrite on April 28, 2005, at 14:25:01
Things have been slowly declining for me, things are just so hard right now! it must just be a collection of cr*p that is piling up that I just cant manage. While this is happeneing I am ruining my future. Or lack there of. I continually screw up at school.
Now it feels like I have a pit in my stomach or chest. It is not anxiety, i am so weepy i dont get it. i dont want to adjust my medication, and I cant get in to see my pdoc :-(. maybe I am just doing this to myself by not taking more pills but it isnt an optiion in my mind right now. And besides I felt fine a few weeks ago. I feel so sad. I am really starting to have a hard time pretending Im so content and happy. Im sure it will pass...but when?
Any advice? Should I run away?
Thanks
Posted by broken on April 28, 2005, at 14:37:43
In reply to please give me some hope, posted by rainbowbrite on April 28, 2005, at 14:25:01
> Things have been slowly declining for me, things are just so hard right now! it must just be a collection of cr*p that is piling up that I just cant manage. While this is happeneing I am ruining my future. Or lack there of. I continually screw up at school.
> Now it feels like I have a pit in my stomach or chest. It is not anxiety, i am so weepy i dont get it. i dont want to adjust my medication, and I cant get in to see my pdoc :-(. maybe I am just doing this to myself by not taking more pills but it isnt an optiion in my mind right now. And besides I felt fine a few weeks ago. I feel so sad. I am really starting to have a hard time pretending Im so content and happy. Im sure it will pass...but when?
> Any advice? Should I run away?
> Thanks((((Rain))))
Been so long since I have heard from you. Not sure what has been going on for you lately, but if you wanna talk, you know where I am.
Sorry it's so rough on you now, is there any one thing that is making it worse?Chris
Posted by rainbowbrite on April 28, 2005, at 14:46:00
In reply to Re: please give me some hope » rainbowbrite, posted by broken on April 28, 2005, at 14:37:43
thanks Chris,
your sweet.
It is kinda hard to say exactly, and for some reason I dont think anyone understands anywhere. But my main new problem is LIFE. Im a complete failure. And, If you new me irl you would agree.
sorry I am really down.
Posted by rainbowbrite on April 28, 2005, at 14:47:40
In reply to Re: please give me some hope » broken, posted by rainbowbrite on April 28, 2005, at 14:46:00
Im not a complete failure, but Im up there!
Posted by partlycloudy on April 28, 2005, at 15:07:49
In reply to ok ill be more realistic, posted by rainbowbrite on April 28, 2005, at 14:47:40
One more time - I AM NOT A FAILURE!
I too have been feeling totally down, waiting for an increase in my meds to take hold. I did order a large rock for hiding behind but the shipping rates are atrocious, so I cancelled the order.
Hang in there,
pc
Posted by TamaraJ on April 28, 2005, at 15:14:54
In reply to ok ill be more realistic, posted by rainbowbrite on April 28, 2005, at 14:47:40
OMG, you are so not a failure - not even close. Nobody who tries, takes chances and puts themselves out there is a failure. We may not always succeed when we try, or do as well as our perfectionist minds think we should have, but as long as we continue to make a concerted effort, we have succeeded to some degree. It's when we start beating ourselves up and berating ourselves for not living up to our own unrealistic expectations and when we stop taking chances that we fail because we are failing ourselves. Every mental slap we give ourselves and everytime we bang our heads against the wall for something we should have done or should have done better, sucks a little bit more life out of us, until we end up shells filled with regret and fear of not being good enough. Think of how far you have come and what you have accomplished - the big and the small. And, don't be afraid to give yourself permission to not be perfect all the time. I know this is just a corny verse, but I think about it a lot these days: "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." So, it may sound stupid and inane, but as long as you keep getting back up, you will never be a failure.
Tamara
Posted by broken on April 28, 2005, at 15:17:22
In reply to ok ill be more realistic, posted by rainbowbrite on April 28, 2005, at 14:47:40
I'm glad you decided to be a bit more realistic anyway. You're still a bit off the mark I think. Failure is too complete. It means you have quit trying and have given up, and I know you better than that.
I know school had been rough on you, and I am only assuming that is part of what is bothering you now. There's alot of pressure there to perform well, not to mention all of the other things in your life. It's pretty shocking (to me anyway) how when you are struggling through something that is important in you life, smaller things begin to pile up and make it one huge mess. (Hell of a run on sentence)
I'm an expert on that though. When I have one very important thing that I am working hard to resolve, it doesn't take much added to it to totally burn me down. Sometimes it takes me days to recover after that, and I'm pretty horrible until I can sort out the list and set my priorities again. Doesn't solve things, just makes them bearable.
Posted by rainbowbrite on April 28, 2005, at 19:37:06
In reply to Re: ok ill be more realistic » rainbowbrite, posted by partlycloudy on April 28, 2005, at 15:07:49
Thanks PC, it sucks doesnt it!
Posted by rainbowbrite on April 28, 2005, at 19:49:56
In reply to Re: ok ill be more realistic - not bloody likely!! » rainbowbrite, posted by TamaraJ on April 28, 2005, at 15:14:54
I know you are right, but it is really hard to see past things. Maybe I have set my standards too high, or maybe Im not cut out for what I want. i do try to remember things I have accomplished, but my memory gets foggy soemtimes. Ive started questioning everything about me. I dont like my answers i guess maybe why im attacking myself. it feels deserved. I wish it was easier to accept ourselves. I feel soo negative right now. sorry.
Thanks
Posted by rainbowbrite on April 28, 2005, at 20:17:11
In reply to Re: ok ill be more realistic » rainbowbrite, posted by broken on April 28, 2005, at 15:17:22
yes there is an unbearable pressure i feel it is so awful and hard to eplain and i keep disapointing nyself oh i wish life was less frustrating i hate feeling like this
Posted by sunny10 on April 29, 2005, at 9:02:02
In reply to Re: ok ill be more realistic » broken, posted by rainbowbrite on April 28, 2005, at 20:17:11
whatever you do, don't run away. I speak from experience, here... just don't, okay?!?
You are at a very important developmental stage in your life, sweetie! Of course it is scary and overwhelming at times. And you put a lot of pressure on yourself because you think you should be able to do everything perfectly. None of us can do everything perfectly, honey, none of us.
You need to let yourself remember that you are human (and humans are not perfect) and that you are under a great deal of pressure right now, but you are strong enough to get through it. Get through it being my main point.
If you do your best, it will be enough for the end result you should receive. I say this in this convoluted way because, well, I don't know what you're studying "for your career". Let's say you are studying to become a doctor, but a part of you way deep inside knows that you won't be happy as a doctor. Maybe you'd be happier as a medical scientist, instead. Use this example towards whatever your goal today is...
Your best, without letting unrealistic expectations sabotague you, will be enough to get you where you truly want to be.
big hugs,
sunny10
Posted by rainbowbrite on April 29, 2005, at 12:04:51
In reply to Re: ok ill be more realistic, posted by sunny10 on April 29, 2005, at 9:02:02
Thanks Sunny
and everyone. I am sorry I am feeeling really crappy and I feel like everything I say lately here is negative. I dont mean to be like that. I just dont know what to do, and I need to get it out. Ive ruined my chances for what I wanted to do with my life and now its kinda too late and I need to rethink everything. I guess it is really depressing having to reflect on your life. or mine at least. Maybe I am catastrophising but maybe not. It just gets tiring pretending Im happy as can be...you know? or is that just me?
anyway sorry again for complaining.
Posted by sunny10 on April 29, 2005, at 15:16:56
In reply to Re: ok ill be more realistic, posted by rainbowbrite on April 29, 2005, at 12:04:51
Posted by rainbowbrite on April 29, 2005, at 15:59:59
In reply to Re: complain away... we'll listen! (nm) » rainbowbrite, posted by sunny10 on April 29, 2005, at 15:16:56
Thanks, i am just feeling alone and like there is no one who understands me becasue i am an alien person. (for real) I am trying to snap myself out of it but geez school sucks!! It doesnt like me very much. What can you do? So do alot of things right now. i better be getting my period to explain this emotional yuckiness becasue I dont like feeling this down! Ugh! i feel sooo low on myself. It must go away I hate this verge of tears, empty pit in stomach crap. whats up with that? Anyway I suck at typing my feelings lol I really do. Cant express myself well. Oh well, I guess that is why I was given my mouth :-)
Posted by rainbowbrite on April 29, 2005, at 17:46:45
In reply to Re: complain away... we'll listen!, posted by rainbowbrite on April 29, 2005, at 15:59:59
its possible Ive gone nuts but I sware reaching out to people when you feel like you need help is totally overrated! I miss the old me, swallow it up. Why am I turning into such a wallower? Life is not that serious and if i am going to have a breakdown then so be it at least Ill do it laughing with flowers in my hair as opposed to crying about it!
I dont think i am handling feeling my emotions very well, but I better get use to it...I want to stop the drugs. I feel very mixed up right now and moody. there needs to be a depressing board....ive probably posted in the wrong place anyway. I think I may sound nuts but there is sense that is trying to get out. how do I become a rock? What makes people think I am one? Its like there are so many people around me but I feel all alone right now. ugh! Im not crazy or anything just mixed up. I need to stop allowing emotions to seep through. And why am I expressing my private vulnerable/weak side to a computer??
Posted by rainbowbrite on April 30, 2005, at 13:37:26
In reply to I may really be nuts.. not sure..how do we know, posted by rainbowbrite on April 29, 2005, at 17:46:45
So I know Im talking to myself right now, but who cares. Last night my friend kind of shed some light on my life. Thats good I guess, put stuff into perspective and I realize I have alot of crap going on so LOL Im not really crazy in case I came accross that way :-P but I can easliy get there :-S. Im Just burnt out. And I need to just redirect my energy....soon! It really does help typing this stuff out cause it makes me THINK (ouch) :-). Maybe I should just journal...? Just thought Id share :-)
Posted by gardenergirl on May 1, 2005, at 12:03:51
In reply to Nah Im not, posted by rainbowbrite on April 30, 2005, at 13:37:26
I'm glad your friend was able to help you gain perspective. And I know we all say reach out to others, but I suppose what we really mean is reach to someone who will reach back. And it's hard to know that until you try. But do keep trying.
And about not taking your meds...well, I know that's a personal choice. But I am reminded of a time recently when you were feeling very overwhelmed, and you were not on your meds at the time. Can they perhaps be adjusted so you gain more benefit from them rather than going off?
Hang in there. You'll get through this stress, too. And it's perfectly okay to be vulnerable and to express your fears and negative emotions in a safe place. I think Babble can be that. And journalling is good too. Even rocks have cracks and scars and such. That's what makes each one beautiful.
(((((rain)))))
gg
Posted by rainbowbrite on May 1, 2005, at 18:20:25
In reply to Re: Nah Im not » rainbowbrite, posted by gardenergirl on May 1, 2005, at 12:03:51
> And I know we all say reach out to others, but I suppose what we really mean is reach to someone who will reach back. And it's hard to know that until you try. But do keep trying.
I was reaching out to someone who should have reached back LOL well not literally, but it was my pdoc. I guess I am not very good at expressing myself clearly when Im upset and I often am a bit panicky.
So Im kinda just a goofy person who sees a pdoc for pills that I dont even want to take. But my pdoc doesnt seem to think I need anything else. yes, its not a T but still. Every once in awhile I really really need soemone. I hate that feeling and recently it has been all to often.
So when I reach out to my pdoc and say I need you cause I feel sort of edgy/upset or what ever... I think my pdoc should drop everything for ME (lol kidding of course) but I do expect an appointment. MAybe Im setting my standards too high??
I feel rejected by the family I have chosen to open up to so I give up there. And when I opened up to a friend once about something I dont talk about, it changed our relationship for awhile because I think she saw me as weaker than before and well...I dont know, that sucked! So thats all I meant about it being over rated but I still think it is a little disapointing.
I think I come accross too many superficial people so maybe thats part of it. Or maybe Im projecting.
This board is my support emotionally and that kinda scares me a little. IRL people cant handle emotions I find (Ahhh but again maybe Im projecting). Especially when I dont come accross right
> And about not taking your meds...well, I know that's a personal choice. But I am reminded of a time recently when you were feeling very overwhelmed, and you were not on your meds at the time. Can they perhaps be adjusted so you gain more benefit from them rather than going off?
:-) Yeah you remember correctly.
Its that much worse knowing that I may need them forever. I am giving myself a deadline and if I can beat this feeling (emotions are just much more intense than before and Im assuming that is normal for a little while anyway) than I will feel like I finally accomplished something worthwhile and not have to go back up.
BUt if I find it is too debilitating I think I will give in and raise the dose.People dont understand medication at all and my motivation for going off is not becasue of others it is all my reasons but the opinions others so kindly share are sooooo annoying!! Its very hard to hide pills when people are in your place especially when you are scatterbrained like me LOL I have had some embarrassing moments with pills lying around.
> Hang in there. You'll get through this stress, too. And it's perfectly okay to be vulnerable and to express your fears and negative emotions in a safe place. I think Babble can be that. And journalling is good too. Even rocks have cracks and scars and such. That's what makes each one beautiful.
Thanks so much :-) I really appreciate your response.
Sometimes I feel like I sound like an airhead and that I should just avoid saying anything at all. But I am one and thats ok, Im comfortable with who I am lol but others may not be. I would probably lose my kids at an amusement park lol if I had any becasue I would get distracted with all to see :-P
But part of my ditziness is that I am vague Although still I find I dont often make much sense LOL
.....blah blah blah. I talk to much!But did that even make sense...:-P
Thanks!
PS- did you find a dress yet?
Posted by gardenergirl on May 2, 2005, at 9:17:56
In reply to Re: Nah Im not » gardenergirl, posted by rainbowbrite on May 1, 2005, at 18:20:25
Hmmm, I must be desensitized to the stigma of meds. Lately I just whip out my little pill box right in front of my boss if he happens to be in my office when it's time to take them. Oh well.
And you are not an air-head. There's a reason you are scattered, remember? Same thing with being vague. It all goes together with that other "A-word".
No new dress yet. I'm about at the point when I want to tell my sister to let me stick with our first choice.
gg
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