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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 59. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by zenhussy on July 6, 2003, at 2:18:35
cards, photos and memories that mum has saved in her dowry (sp?) box. This is stuff I haven't been able to face since my father's death when I was eight.
I don't know if this was a good time to do this as I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed--snotty nose and all running down my face and the painful tears.
Damn. My depression hit way, way earlier than I ever imagined. Reading through some of this stuff was so difficult yet enlightened me as to how many years I've spend so fucked up and confused and ill.
Disease. Unease of being well? Who the hell knows or cares at this point?!!
Screw the one bottle a night as I am onto the second one and it is well past four in the morning out here.
I feel like hell. My eyes hurt. My heart wants to die. I want to die. I feel horrible for the things I wrote to my mum over the years. But I also wrote some amazingly beautiful loving stuff showing much gratitude and love.
So confused. So drunk. So tired. So wanting to go home and be with my dog and just lay on the couch for about a year. Well...a few days at least.
I can't believe I was such a horrid child and that mum put up with me. Feeling just horrible about the shit I put here through after pa died. She was only 40 when he passed. She had two young children to raise alone. The cards, letters, and photos I read and looked at tonight were like HUGE missing pieces of my life puzzle.
Although I think I wasn't ready to do this puzzle yet it just happened. I was drawn to it and so it goes.
In pain. Wondering how I can continue and wondering how I cannot continue fighting to stay alive and try for stability.
Helllllll
helpzh
Posted by Penny on July 6, 2003, at 8:21:52
In reply to up way too late, drunk, and digging through old..., posted by zenhussy on July 6, 2003, at 2:18:35
Looking through old stuff almost always puts me in a bad place. I suppose mostly because I have so many regrets. How many regrets can one have at 26 I ask myself, but I have many many.
As you said, the things are pieces of a puzzle that maybe you weren't ready to deal with right now. But what's done is done.
Sorry, I don't have the right words this morning to soothe you. But I'm thinking of you and hoping today is a better day.
Take care.
Penny
Posted by Racer on July 6, 2003, at 11:34:28
In reply to up way too late, drunk, and digging through old..., posted by zenhussy on July 6, 2003, at 2:18:35
Dear me, we are illogical, aren't we? I dig through old things, and instead of feeling guilty about what terrible things I've done, I get despondant over the good that I used to do!
When my father died, I tried very, very hard *not* to put myself through that hell about not doing enough for him. I tried very hard *not* to make excuses for him, but to honor the pain I'd felt with honesty. You know what? NO ONE would let me! Every time I said something about having been abandoned, everyone else would tell me I was being unfair, or selfish, or whatever their take was. Personally, I think even the "normal" people out there have some real problems with emotional subjects.
Anyway, I'm going to tell you the same thing that was told me back when my father died: "He was the adult, you were the child. HE was supposed to be responsible. If he was trying to make you do his job, that's monumentally unfair to you. Feel the unfairness, then let it go."
I don't know what happened with you and your mother. I only know that if your father died when you were 8, *you* were not the party responsible for anything that went on. Sounds as if your mother may have fallen apart, or just not known how to help you cope. Doesn't so much matter what she was doing, sounds as if you had a difficult time (pronounced: impossible) adjusting to that loss, and didn't have a whole lot of support to help you through that. You were EIGHT YEARS OLD FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD!!! Time to give yourself a break now.
Hate to say I don't know that being drunk is likely to help much. Especially since I feel the same impulse myself, but maybe giving yourself a reward for being there would be a better idea? Or take a timer up there with you, so that you won't punish yourself for too long at a time?
Or, do what you have to do, then come home and curl up with the dog on the sofa. I don't know. (What? You didn't know I've decided to turn over a new leaf? Meet RACER: Poster Child For Mental Health) (<<<Now you *KNOW* you've entered the Twilight Zone, right?)
Good luck. I don't remember you, but do appreciate your kindness to me this week.
Posted by janejj on July 6, 2003, at 14:08:20
In reply to up way too late, drunk, and digging through old..., posted by zenhussy on July 6, 2003, at 2:18:35
Zenhussy,
I hope you are feeling marginally better at least this morning. You sound like you've been going through hell.
I guess it is necessary to wade through the past sometimes in a kind of healing way, to let go, to grieve. I really hope you feel better soon!
Take care, janejj
Posted by zenhussy on July 6, 2003, at 21:39:07
In reply to Re: up way too late, drunk, and digging » zenhussy, posted by Racer on July 6, 2003, at 11:34:28
> Dear me, we are illogical, aren't we? I dig through old things, and instead of feeling guilty about what terrible things I've done, I get despondant over the good that I used to do!
> When my father died, I tried very, very hard *not* to put myself through that hell about not doing enough for him. I tried very hard *not* to make excuses for him, but to honor the pain I'd felt with honesty. You know what? NO ONE would let me! Every time I said something about having been abandoned, everyone else would tell me I was being unfair, or selfish, or whatever their take was. Personally, I think even the "normal" people out there have some real problems with emotional subjects.
> Anyway, I'm going to tell you the same thing that was told me back when my father died: "He was the adult, you were the child. HE was supposed to be responsible. If he was trying to make you do his job, that's monumentally unfair to you. Feel the unfairness, then let it go."
> I don't know what happened with you and your mother. I only know that if your father died when you were 8, *you* were not the party responsible for anything that went on. Sounds as if your mother may have fallen apart, or just not known how to help you cope. Doesn't so much matter what she was doing, sounds as if you had a difficult time (pronounced: impossible) adjusting to that loss, and didn't have a whole lot of support to help you through that. You were EIGHT YEARS OLD FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD!!! Time to give yourself a break now.
> Hate to say I don't know that being drunk is likely to help much. Especially since I feel the same impulse myself, but maybe giving yourself a reward for being there would be a better idea? Or take a timer up there with you, so that you won't punish yourself for too long at a time?
> Or, do what you have to do, then come home and curl up with the dog on the sofa. I don't know. (What? You didn't know I've decided to turn over a new leaf? Meet RACER: Poster Child For Mental Health) (<<<Now you *KNOW* you've entered the Twilight Zone, right?)
> Good luck. I don't remember you, but do appreciate your kindness to me this week.Racer,
Growing up in pre Silicon Valley was the twilight zone. I'm so glad you found some humour and gave it to me. Bless you for that Racer.
No reason for you to remember me since I've never posted to you before but have always been a lurker since the board began and remember a lot of horse stuff that you used to write about.
I am quite sincere in the e-mail offer and should you want to contact me next week when I return. I know a bunch of people in that area and could help you get the foundation started on a support network in the area.
I'm just counting the minutes until my flight home. Worried about mum. Worried about her doc's appt. on Tues which may bungle up my return home.
You wrote out some damn fine wisdom above there missy. This is the part that is going with me to therapist:
Doesn't so much matter what she was doing, sounds as if you had a difficult time
(pronounced: impossible) adjusting to that loss, and didn't have a whole lot of support to
help you through that. You were EIGHT YEARS OLD FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD!!!
Time to give yourself a break now.Eight is too young (was for me anyway) to understand what happened and you're quite right about my mother not being available for whatever reasons (um, like her own grief?! or lord knows!).
I hope you are leaning on staying around for a while as I'm rather fond of your posts and like I said before I'm selfish and want to see you live---not to suffer but instead to find the moments of thriving and enjoying life like you have before. It is possible. Okay, pollyanna crap over.
Thank you for such a beautiful post and for taking the time to extend yourself to a complete stranger. Much appreciated.
a night without vino--imagine that! drinking hasn't been a coping mech. for several years if not almost a decade but up in the boondocks where I am I don't have enough benzos nor the right ones to dull this hellish existence I'm living through just trying to help mum get through this injury/recovery. I *know* the booze ain't helpin' but tis all I have and for now that is what is gettig me through. Have no plans on continuing when I return to crazy CA.
Stick around a bit longer you just never know what surprises life has in store. Perhaps I'll win the lotto when I return and buy up a gazillion dollar property in the hills and have you come train my horses for me. Sound good? It *could* happen....stranger things have occured.
Wishing you peace and strength in this difficult time you're facing Racer, or are you now known as the poster child for mental health?! Hee hee hee.
zenhussy
Posted by Racer on July 6, 2003, at 22:00:04
In reply to Meet RACER: Poster Child For Mental Health ; ) » Racer, posted by zenhussy on July 6, 2003, at 21:39:07
Only thing I worry about with the booze, Miss ZenHussy, is that it does diminish inhibitions. I know that drinking helps me decide that dying is easier than living, and at times I've opened bottles specifically to make it possible to carry out my plans. If you're not in that place, then just be careful it doesn't escort you to that place.
Otherwise, I can only recommend lifting a glass, and wishing comfort and love to a little eight year old girl who's lost her father.
Posted by zenhussy on July 6, 2003, at 22:29:05
In reply to Re: Meet RACER: Poster Child For Mental Health ; ) » zenhussy, posted by Racer on July 6, 2003, at 22:00:04
> Only thing I worry about with the booze, Miss ZenHussy, is that it does diminish inhibitions. I know that drinking helps me decide that dying is easier than living, and at times I've opened bottles specifically to make it possible to carry out my plans. If you're not in that place, then just be careful it doesn't escort you to that place.
>
> Otherwise, I can only recommend lifting a glass, and wishing comfort and love to a little eight year old girl who's lost her father.I hear you on the lowering of inhibitions. I'm not currently in that space but when I am in that space of choosing when to die I do have a large support network set up and various forms of help lined up to keep me from seeing any of my best laid plans come to fruition. There are even a couple of people who would step on a plane to come kick my ass should I be in that dark 'I want death' hole. I know that sounds counterproductive but for me it lets me know people do care enough to travel to get angry with me for not trying other things before throwing in the towel.
No glasses lifted tonight. Made a good supper for mum and myself. Walked the dog for the next door neighbour, a kind woman in her eighties who is currently ill so she can't get out to walk her little dog. Cleaned up the kitchen. Did some laundry for mum. Got a box together and some newspapers to begin packing the stuff that won't fit in luggage to ship home through snail mail. Have drawn up a bath that is calling out my name. A tub without a bottle of wine? Yeah. It IS possible and rather nice to know I am not 'needing' the booze to get through but instead just being a twit with the nightly drinking over the past couple of weeks.
I gladly accept the comfort and love for my inner eight year old who NEEDS to grieve terribly and at least I have begun.
Now for you I wish peace and strength for sticking around until your head is clearer and then make your big decisions.
Huzzorama with a touch of zen
Posted by whiterabbit on July 6, 2003, at 22:30:40
In reply to Re: Meet RACER: Poster Child For Mental Health ; ) » zenhussy, posted by Racer on July 6, 2003, at 22:00:04
Racer you might remember me, Gracie. (I changed my posting name in a lame attempt to hide from my husband, he would read my posts and get really angry. But now he's divorcing me so who cares what he thinks.) I wrote you a letter but couldn't post it because I couldn't get into PB2000. Then I asked Dr. Bob to let me in there but he said I didn't show up on PB until early 2001 and I have to believe him because my memory is shot. Zen tried to help me out there but I get confused pretty easy these days - meds/stress/age/brain damage - who knows.Anyway are you feeling better?? Let me know how you are, it takes my mind off the crap here at home and I'm also sad because Shar doesn't want to post here anymore and everything is just a mess right now. Like Zen says, I'm lighting a candle for you...
Gracie
Posted by Toph on April 12, 2005, at 15:52:31
In reply to up way too late, drunk, and digging through old..., posted by zenhussy on July 6, 2003, at 2:18:35
You meet the nicest people when you go on vacation. This is one interesting lady. Really nice, though you'd never know it from her year-long banishment from PB. I've looked, but I cannot find the capitol crime she committed. She must have threatened someone or really attacked another poster or something really heinous. Well, PB's loss is PC's gain. She has been so nice to me there that I had to see what she was like here years ago. Seems that she was nice here, too.
Still on vacation.
Toph
Posted by partlycloudy on April 12, 2005, at 18:10:07
In reply to Re: up way too late, drunk, and digging through old..., posted by Toph on April 12, 2005, at 15:52:31
Isn't it amazing how differently people view the same person?
bon vacance,
pc
Posted by Toph on April 13, 2005, at 8:51:56
In reply to Zenhussy from the archives » Toph, posted by partlycloudy on April 12, 2005, at 18:10:07
> Isn't it amazing how differently people view the same person?
>
> bon vacance,
> pcHi pc,
Evidently you both had difficulty communicating at some point in time. We all have different sides to our personalities. Different people under differing circumstances bring out the various personality traits we possess. Then there's the whole possibility for learning and change. It's all very complicated but the same people can indeed see differing sides of someone. I'm glad I met you both.
Toph
Posted by partlycloudy on April 13, 2005, at 9:34:18
In reply to Re: Zenhussy from the archives, posted by Toph on April 13, 2005, at 8:51:56
...and wish you well, but mostly I wish you'd post here more!
pc
Posted by All Done on April 13, 2005, at 10:34:29
In reply to Zenhussy from the archives » Toph, posted by partlycloudy on April 12, 2005, at 18:10:07
> Isn't it amazing how differently people view the same person?
>
> bon vacance,
> pcWow, pc. Was it really necessary to post this?
Apologies if I took your post the wrong way, but I guess I'm just feeling a little defensive of someone I have a great deal of respect and admiration for who, unfortunately, can't post on her own behalf.
Laurie
Posted by partlycloudy on April 13, 2005, at 10:41:21
In reply to Re: Zenhussy from the archives » partlycloudy, posted by All Done on April 13, 2005, at 10:34:29
You know what, it *was* necessary. And I don't appreciate you questioning it, either. This is the place where I am free to express myself, and that is what I am doing.
Did I say anything untoward about Zenhussy in my post to Toph? Can you read something in my words that I didn't write? Please tell me what you saw written there, and I'll be pleased to discuss it with you.pc
Posted by All Done on April 13, 2005, at 10:57:40
In reply to Re: Zenhussy from the archives » All Done, posted by partlycloudy on April 13, 2005, at 10:41:21
> You know what, it *was* necessary. And I don't appreciate you questioning it, either. This is the place where I am free to express myself, and that is what I am doing.
> Did I say anything untoward about Zenhussy in my post to Toph? Can you read something in my words that I didn't write? Please tell me what you saw written there, and I'll be pleased to discuss it with you.
>
> pc
>Did the thought just dawn on you after you read Toph's post about Zen and you decided it belonged in this thread?
If that's the case, I sincerely apologize.
Laurie
Posted by partlycloudy on April 13, 2005, at 12:03:34
In reply to Re: Zenhussy from the archives » partlycloudy, posted by All Done on April 13, 2005, at 10:57:40
I read the entire thread before I posted, as is my usual posting style.
Posted by TofuEmmy on April 13, 2005, at 16:08:08
In reply to Zenhussy from the archives » Toph, posted by partlycloudy on April 12, 2005, at 18:10:07
> Isn't it amazing how differently people view the same person?
>
Alldone - The way that *I* interpreted the post by PC was this:1) Toph posted lovely positive things about Zen
2) PartlyCloudy posted how different people (presumably PartlyCloudy and/or others she knows the opinions of) see that person (Zen) very differently...which would be negatively.I've tried to find another way way to interpret the post. Is there one, PC? I'm hoping so.
em
Posted by AuntieMel on April 13, 2005, at 16:28:41
In reply to Re: Zenhussy from the archives » All Done, posted by partlycloudy on April 13, 2005, at 12:03:34
Posted by partlycloudy on April 13, 2005, at 16:31:14
In reply to Re: Zenhussy from the archives, posted by TofuEmmy on April 13, 2005, at 16:08:08
All I'm saying is that we each are able to see and experience different aspects of the same person. I find that in itself quite amazing.
I'm not being positive nor negative - just that my personal experiences differ from Toph's.
And that, ladies, is ALL I said, and ALL I meant.
Posted by partlycloudy on April 13, 2005, at 16:42:16
In reply to Re: be cool (nm) » partlycloudy, posted by AuntieMel on April 13, 2005, at 16:28:41
Posted by gardenergirl on April 13, 2005, at 17:12:54
In reply to Re: Zenhussy from the archives, posted by TofuEmmy on April 13, 2005, at 16:08:08
Good news everyone!
Spamalot is NOT, I repeat, is NOT sold out. I was just able to pretend to purchase tickets for when my 10th anniversary is rolling around in the fall. I might actually buy them after checking with hubby. Or...going out on a major limb...I might actually buy them as a gift (GASP!)
Fly me to the moon.....
gg
Posted by All Done on April 13, 2005, at 17:21:24
In reply to Re: Zenhussy from the archives, posted by partlycloudy on April 13, 2005, at 16:31:14
> All I'm saying is that we each are able to see and experience different aspects of the same person. I find that in itself quite amazing.
So do I.
Please do not post to me.
Posted by TofuEmmy on April 13, 2005, at 18:06:09
In reply to Re: Zenhussy from the archives » partlycloudy, posted by All Done on April 13, 2005, at 17:21:24
Golly! If you know the civility rules inside and out, it seems that people can get away with saying any ole obtuse thing they want.
Although my personal favorite is the insult/fast apology. You can definately say ANYTHING if you apologize fast enough. Try it - it's fun!
btw - if anyone is interested in how Zen is doing....she is doing really well. SO well in fact, that she is a moderator at another site now. She is working hard, and trying to stay ahead of life, like we all are.
em
Posted by henrietta on April 13, 2005, at 20:06:06
In reply to Re: Zenhussy from the archives, posted by TofuEmmy on April 13, 2005, at 18:06:09
Thanks, Emmy. I, too miss Zenhussy, and am glad to hear she's doing well. And I, too, am constantly amazed at how the "civility" rules can be manipulated by bad faith actions without the slightest reprimand. But at least we recognize bad faith when we see it. ALSO, to All Done: Your first post on this thread took the words right out of my mouth. Seriously, that was word for word my response! Be well.
Posted by partlycloudy on April 14, 2005, at 4:39:11
In reply to Re: Zenhussy from the archives, posted by TofuEmmy on April 13, 2005, at 18:06:09
Wow, golly, gee. Gosh darn it.
I think that civility is all about communicating effectively and keeping within the restrictions as defined by the FAQs. I try to keep myself within the guidelines, and sometimes I fail at it.
Ms. Tofu, I ask that you no longer post to me. Thanks.
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