Posted by zenhussy on July 6, 2003, at 2:18:35
cards, photos and memories that mum has saved in her dowry (sp?) box. This is stuff I haven't been able to face since my father's death when I was eight.
I don't know if this was a good time to do this as I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed--snotty nose and all running down my face and the painful tears.
Damn. My depression hit way, way earlier than I ever imagined. Reading through some of this stuff was so difficult yet enlightened me as to how many years I've spend so fucked up and confused and ill.
Disease. Unease of being well? Who the hell knows or cares at this point?!!
Screw the one bottle a night as I am onto the second one and it is well past four in the morning out here.
I feel like hell. My eyes hurt. My heart wants to die. I want to die. I feel horrible for the things I wrote to my mum over the years. But I also wrote some amazingly beautiful loving stuff showing much gratitude and love.
So confused. So drunk. So tired. So wanting to go home and be with my dog and just lay on the couch for about a year. Well...a few days at least.
I can't believe I was such a horrid child and that mum put up with me. Feeling just horrible about the shit I put here through after pa died. She was only 40 when he passed. She had two young children to raise alone. The cards, letters, and photos I read and looked at tonight were like HUGE missing pieces of my life puzzle.
Although I think I wasn't ready to do this puzzle yet it just happened. I was drawn to it and so it goes.
In pain. Wondering how I can continue and wondering how I cannot continue fighting to stay alive and try for stability.
Helllllll
helpzh
poster:zenhussy
thread:239637
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030704/msgs/239637.html