Posted by Racer on July 6, 2003, at 11:34:28
In reply to up way too late, drunk, and digging through old..., posted by zenhussy on July 6, 2003, at 2:18:35
Dear me, we are illogical, aren't we? I dig through old things, and instead of feeling guilty about what terrible things I've done, I get despondant over the good that I used to do!
When my father died, I tried very, very hard *not* to put myself through that hell about not doing enough for him. I tried very hard *not* to make excuses for him, but to honor the pain I'd felt with honesty. You know what? NO ONE would let me! Every time I said something about having been abandoned, everyone else would tell me I was being unfair, or selfish, or whatever their take was. Personally, I think even the "normal" people out there have some real problems with emotional subjects.
Anyway, I'm going to tell you the same thing that was told me back when my father died: "He was the adult, you were the child. HE was supposed to be responsible. If he was trying to make you do his job, that's monumentally unfair to you. Feel the unfairness, then let it go."
I don't know what happened with you and your mother. I only know that if your father died when you were 8, *you* were not the party responsible for anything that went on. Sounds as if your mother may have fallen apart, or just not known how to help you cope. Doesn't so much matter what she was doing, sounds as if you had a difficult time (pronounced: impossible) adjusting to that loss, and didn't have a whole lot of support to help you through that. You were EIGHT YEARS OLD FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD!!! Time to give yourself a break now.
Hate to say I don't know that being drunk is likely to help much. Especially since I feel the same impulse myself, but maybe giving yourself a reward for being there would be a better idea? Or take a timer up there with you, so that you won't punish yourself for too long at a time?
Or, do what you have to do, then come home and curl up with the dog on the sofa. I don't know. (What? You didn't know I've decided to turn over a new leaf? Meet RACER: Poster Child For Mental Health) (<<<Now you *KNOW* you've entered the Twilight Zone, right?)
Good luck. I don't remember you, but do appreciate your kindness to me this week.
poster:Racer
thread:239637
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030704/msgs/239671.html