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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by obsidian on March 27, 2011, at 18:16:55
So, I wanted to say a little something about conflict, as this place has it's own brand of it. For some of us, the way we react to it is determined by a lot of things.
For me, who got my PTSD (in part) from a violent environment growing up conflict is something I've seen often as destructive.
I distinctly recall the feeling, the tension rising, as one vicious comment prompted another, and action followed. I usually didn't support either side, but did try to intervene to stop physical harm.
What I have learned is not to respond as a kind of response. When provocation is targeted toward me. My mother is skilled at it. She loves to start a fight. She can throw one dagger after another, and then call you a bad person (kid) for being angry.I am curious about this topic for me and for others.
Posted by Phillipa on March 28, 2011, at 11:06:21
In reply to Conflict, posted by obsidian on March 27, 2011, at 18:16:55
It terrifies me. I have learned to automatically say I'm sorry. As even today conflict surrounds me I am a snail in a shell. I used to be unafraid but pdoc said reserves used up and brain can handle no more. Pain physical and sleeping have replaced anxiety outwardly shown as now all inward. I do avoid conflict but it seems to find me. Phillipa
Posted by pegasus on March 28, 2011, at 12:22:15
In reply to Conflict, posted by obsidian on March 27, 2011, at 18:16:55
I think this is an interesting thing to bring up here. I believe you are not alone, sid, in the way you respond to conflict, or in your history with it. And . . . I also know there are people here who have a very different relationship with conflict. Which can lead, I think, to some weird dynamics at times. And by weird, I mean potentially scary, frustrating, and confusing, among other things.
My personal history leads me to appreciate a vigorous argument/debate, but I am also pretty sensitive to perceived anger or judgement/ridicule, especially in a few really vulnerable areas. Mostly I'm good with the debate I see here, and I very rarely feel attacked or put down. It's not uncommon for me to see exchanges where posters end up feeling hurt, and I don't get why exactly. I think it can be due to variations in how thick our skins are. I believe that my skin is generally on the thicker side, except in some specific vulnerable areas.
After I wrote the above, though, I wanted to rephrase the "thick skin" notion. But I'm finding it hard to rephrase, which means, I think, that I'm not clear in my own mind about what I mean.
Is this the type of thing you're getting after, sid?
- P
Posted by obsidian on March 28, 2011, at 21:19:48
In reply to Re: Conflict, posted by pegasus on March 28, 2011, at 12:22:15
> I think this is an interesting thing to bring up here. I believe you are not alone, sid, in the way you respond to conflict, or in your history with it. And . . . I also know there are people here who have a very different relationship with conflict. Which can lead, I think, to some weird dynamics at times. And by weird, I mean potentially scary, frustrating, and confusing, among other things.
yeah, that's what I mean. For myself, I tend to avoid it if at all possible. Sometimes I feel compelled to be a protector. It bothers me too when it feels like it is just about attacking. I suppose that's why the civility rules haven't really ever bothered me. I have too much experience with unchecked aggression.
I kind of wish I could tolerate more conflict...the kind that doesn't end in trying to destroy the other person.
I also tend to think that conflict can lend a certain kind of honesty and ultimately greater closeness/comfortability with people. Being comfortable with people is not something I am good at. I wish it were different.> My personal history leads me to appreciate a vigorous argument/debate, but I am also pretty sensitive to perceived anger or judgement/ridicule, especially in a few really vulnerable areas. Mostly I'm good with the debate I see here, and I very rarely feel attacked or put down. It's not uncommon for me to see exchanges where posters end up feeling hurt, and I don't get why exactly. I think it can be due to variations in how thick our skins are. I believe that my skin is generally on the thicker side, except in some specific vulnerable areas.
I agree. We have different sore spots. Many things that bother others just don't even catch my attention. ...but then there are my sore spots
> After I wrote the above, though, I wanted to rephrase the "thick skin" notion. But I'm finding it hard to rephrase, which means, I think, that I'm not clear in my own mind about what I mean.thicker in some areas than others?
> Is this the type of thing you're getting after, sid?something like this, yes. I can't articulate it well now.
my anxiety is wickedly high right now :-(
very unpleasantthanks pegasus :-)
Posted by obsidian on March 28, 2011, at 21:22:36
In reply to Re: Conflict » obsidian, posted by Phillipa on March 28, 2011, at 11:06:21
> It terrifies me. I have learned to automatically say I'm sorry. As even today conflict surrounds me I am a snail in a shell. I used to be unafraid but pdoc said reserves used up and brain can handle no more. Pain physical and sleeping have replaced anxiety outwardly shown as now all inward. I do avoid conflict but it seems to find me. Phillipa
I guess it always will find you, inevitable I suppose.
Posted by Phillipa on March 28, 2011, at 22:00:23
In reply to Re: Conflict » Phillipa, posted by obsidian on March 28, 2011, at 21:22:36
Do you find people in real life have become meaner so to speak since economy got bad? Have here? Hence more conflict. Phillipa
Posted by Daisym on March 28, 2011, at 23:26:04
In reply to Conflict, posted by obsidian on March 27, 2011, at 18:16:55
I watch people argue on TV and I'm just in awe that they don't implode or something. I can handle conflict at work, no problem. But in relationships - friends, family, lovers - I can't tolerate it. I think it is because I think the relationship itself won't hold together if there is conflict.
Here on Babble, I love a good debate when people stay respectful, even if it gets passionate. There are lots of opinions and they all count, particularly when folks can hang on to "I" statements. I don't like it when it gets hostile in a personal way and I hate when I think someone is mad at me.
Childhood legacy lives on I guess... I was/am the family peace maker.
Posted by pegasus on March 29, 2011, at 10:55:12
In reply to Re: Conflict, posted by Daisym on March 28, 2011, at 23:26:04
When I see conflict on TV, I am often amazed at how immature the interaction seems. People throw out zingers at each other (which we never can think of IRL at the right moment, and if we did, they wouldn't be received the same way), and then they stomp off in a huff, or do some vindictive damaging thing to the other person. And the whole thing is often framed as the "good guy" triumphing.
I wish there were more examples on TV of people having honest conflicts where they interact respectfully, even while communicating their hurt or fear or whatever. I mean, the stuff that they call Giraffe talk at my daughter's school: When you do _______, I feel ________. What I need is _______. Would you be willing to _________? And then the other person respectfully responding.
I hope (or wish) that is where we are all trying to get, in terms of interacting with other people. It's so hard when we're innundated with examples of the opposite, presented as successful interaction (from the protagonists's point of view).
- Peg
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