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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by scratchpad on April 16, 2007, at 8:34:07
I can't believe how angry I am. Unfiltered, unfettered, raw and so very strong. I can't really tell what will set me off - some injustice, real or ultra-sensitized (I can't bring myself to say that my anger might be contrived!). No mood stabilizer to blunt the feeling, no alcohol to submerge it. It makes my body ache, it makes my migraines spring to life, it steal my appetite and my exhausts me.
My therapist really wants me to work through all this. She acknowledges that it's hard. I might feel better about it if I trusted that it will get better. But I don't yet have that kind of belief in my own abilities to heal and go forward.
No one is safe from my anger right now. It goes in all directions at once.
Last night I lit incense, watched a candle's flame, half-listened to serene music, and flipped through all the nothingness that tv has to offer. Yes, all at the same time. I gave myself little tasks and got things done. I sat and did nothing. I cooked (oi, how I cooked! A freezer well stocked, for the time being). I thought about drinking, and didn't. I started this post 3 times and deleted it each time. I played with the cat.
The only thing I haven't done is look at what I'm angry about. I can only dance around it, guess at what's at the bottom of it, and worry that, once disturbed, it will never rest, never resolve.
Well, at least I got this out of me for now.
Scratchpad
Posted by gazo on April 16, 2007, at 8:47:59
In reply to Behind the tears, the anger, posted by scratchpad on April 16, 2007, at 8:34:07
the intensity of your feelings really come through your words SP. It's tangible. I am sorry it is hard right now.
i'm going to just throw out suggestions... and it's ok with me if it just ticks you off. i have been through directionless anger too.
writing...journal or poetry...even hate mail that you don't send
painting... it can be very physical and can tell you a lot about what you can't think consciously
exercise... something hard
beating the crap out of something inanimate
yelling or screaming
anger can be tough to examine... we are taught to suppress it and hide it away. i hope you find ways to give yourself peace. i tend to like the Buddhist philosophy that nothing is permanent, so even if you can't find a wway to believe it will pass.. it will anyway at some point
much love and peace
Posted by scratchpad on April 16, 2007, at 9:20:42
In reply to Re: Behind the tears, the anger » scratchpad, posted by gazo on April 16, 2007, at 8:47:59
Yes, these feelings are quite intense (which scares the heck out of me too). Thanks for the thoughtful suggestions. My husband says he used to be angry like I am, but isn't any more. I think his way of coping has been to become avoidant - which is a strategy, of sorts, though not for me. He told me to take a "chill pill". Ha ha. Not for me. We go on holiday this Friday and he's afraid I'll ruin it - for myself and him. He's already thinking ahead to our trip later this year and asking me if I'll be all better by then. Argh!
Journaling is something I've been meaning to do but haven't really tackled head on.
I think that's what I'll try to do today.Thanks for your help, Gazo
sp, fellow Canadian
Posted by muffled on April 16, 2007, at 11:20:32
In reply to Re: Behind the tears, the anger » gazo, posted by scratchpad on April 16, 2007, at 9:20:42
Sorry SP you feeling so bad.
I am good suppressor of rage.
It scares me.
I am afraid that like you, if I let it out, I may not be able to control it.
I just had one thot, and that is, has it been firmly eliminated that this anger does not stem from hormonal changes? I mean there is no doubt a source, but when the hormones are awry, EVERYTHING is harder.
Seroquel mellows me when I get rangy. I just take small dose for a few days.
Mebbe some positive affirmations of your good points to help you feel better bout yourself?
And mebbe mention to hubby you might be less cranky if he DIDN'T say stuff like your anger gonna wreck holiday. That is NOT supportive.....
SP, your a dear, I hope this eases up soon for you and you can relax some on your holiday.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by scratchpad on April 16, 2007, at 13:34:25
In reply to Re: Behind the tears, the anger » scratchpad, posted by muffled on April 16, 2007, at 11:20:32
If hormones are the culprit, what then do I do?
My emotionality feels very cyclical indeed. Is there really a Happy Pill I can take to overcome this? Is it possible that PMS can induce such an escalation in feeling? Plus the thing with hormones is that the darn things keep changing. External change is enough of a challenge, to have my body insist on getting its way when I don't want to go that way, well, well, sputter.... it's the ultimate betrayal.I've been wondering (and worrying) about this but will call my gyn tomorrow and ask for an appointment.
I haven't written anything down yet but I have my notebook out and I'm staring at the blank page.
sp
Posted by jammerlich on April 16, 2007, at 14:05:12
In reply to Re: Behind the tears, the anger » gazo, posted by scratchpad on April 16, 2007, at 9:20:42
I'm sorry you're feeling so angry. It really sucks, doesn't it? Somehow feels more overwhelming and out-of-control than other emotions.
I'm stuck in the middle of anger, too. Only, I know exactly why I'm angry and I need to decide whether it makes sense to tell the person, even though I know it will cause them pain while not really changing anything. Doesn't seem to be worth it, does it?
Anyway, it did help some to write it out. I'm not sure it'll keep it at bay for the long run, but it did help ease the out-of-control feeling and dried up the tears a little.
Have you managed to make that blank page dirty? Sometimes it helps me to scribble a little first. If the page looks messy, it somehow feels like the words that go on it aren't quite as important....and that takes the pressure off and helps me get going.
Jammer
Posted by antigua on April 16, 2007, at 15:14:58
In reply to Re: Behind the tears, the anger » scratchpad, posted by jammerlich on April 16, 2007, at 14:05:12
I'm sorry you're feeling so angry. I rarely ever allow myself to feel anger so I'm in awe of you. to make myself angry once, and to try and get it out, I took my son's plastic baseball bat and beat it against a wire fence for a while. It actually hoped.
Be nice to yourself.
love,
antigua
Posted by antigua on April 16, 2007, at 20:05:56
In reply to Re: Behind the tears, the anger, posted by antigua on April 16, 2007, at 15:14:58
I wrote: "It actually hoped." when I meant "It actually helped." Mmmm, my T would have a field day with that one.
antigua
Posted by Phillipa on April 17, 2007, at 11:48:57
In reply to Wow! What a slip!, posted by antigua on April 16, 2007, at 20:05:56
Sp if you're at all like me it's you you're angry at for not being who you would like to be. I know I am like this now and having temper tantrums even on babble. I don't mean too but it seems like a deamon. I want and need to be better now and I can't will myself to be and no one understands. Love Phillipa it's frightening isn't it?
Posted by scratchpad on April 17, 2007, at 12:18:17
In reply to Re: Wow! What a slip!, posted by Phillipa on April 17, 2007, at 11:48:57
Even scarier than fear.
Huh?
sp
Posted by Declan on April 17, 2007, at 22:41:06
In reply to Behind the tears, the anger, posted by scratchpad on April 16, 2007, at 8:34:07
I'm intrigued by this
>(I can't bring myself to say that my anger might be contrived!).
One often has odd feelings like this about the veracity of this or that feeling.With anger, some people are more comfortable with it than others.
If you are (like me) one of these people who has to have everybody liking you, and at the same time you really resent them for all the fruitless hard work they put you through (or whatever the real reason is)......what do you do then (apart from the usual passive-aggressive thing)?The hormone thing should be worth looking into.
Posted by Declan on April 17, 2007, at 22:53:29
In reply to Behind the tears, the anger, posted by scratchpad on April 16, 2007, at 8:34:07
Sometimes in therapy I would be so angry I would stop speaking, leave that session, arrive at the next, sit in a terrible vengeful silence, leave, arrive at my next session, do the same and so on. The silence would sometimes be broken by my therapist's interpretations, sometimes not.
What's more all this would happen over nothing. (mild thwart>>great rage).
I wonder if all this emphasis on control and will is in fact good for us.
Now I feel we need to develop the unwillable virtues....letting go, forgiveness, things like that....the opposite of empowerment.....unless I'm just erecting a straw man to take my anger out on.
Posted by scratchpad on April 18, 2007, at 8:06:32
In reply to Working through the anger, posted by Declan on April 17, 2007, at 22:53:29
I think that what I'm afraid of is saying or doing something incredibly hurtful in my anger that will to permanent damage to (other people, my relationships with them). Ringing a bell that can't be unrung. Yet the anger insists on going somewhere. It really does feel like my head will pop off if I don't release the pressure.
My therapist is of the mind that a gestalt response - hitting inanimate objects or screaming in an empty room - doesn't help but rather hinders in facilitating the anger. It doesn't resolve anything, but rather creates an outlet that lets the anger and response perpetuate.
I do think this is hormonal. I've been looking back over the past few months and I loose my cool every 28 days or so. Plus when try to remember what it is that has triggered my anger, incidents seem trivial and don't hold up to any kind of examination.
I did grow up in a home where anger was expressed in violent outbursts which were otherwise suppressed if us kids kept our mouths shut and literally were made to sit on our hands to stay out of "trouble". I spent 18 years in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage, where anger was submerged in multiple martinis. So I don't react well to anger that's directed at me without that cushion of alcohol.
It's a part of me that I loathe and cannot accept.
sp
Posted by antigua on April 18, 2007, at 9:52:53
In reply to Re: Working through the anger » Declan, posted by scratchpad on April 18, 2007, at 8:06:32
Interesting thought about NOT expressing the anger. I thought expressing it would help make it go away. I guess maybe not?
best,
antigua
Posted by pegasus on April 18, 2007, at 10:11:02
In reply to Re: Working through the anger, posted by antigua on April 18, 2007, at 9:52:53
Yeah, this is really interesting, isn't it? I've been trying to figure out the same thing. There's this conventional wisdom that if you express the anger, it'll resolve. But then my experience isn't always that that's true. Sometimes it seems like expressing it leads to more expressing (and sometimes to damaged relationships, like Declan mentioned). It's like practicing being angry, maybe.
But then, if expressing the anger isn't helpful, what is? My T says that going into the anger is how you deal with it in a healthy way. This is different than yelling at people or hitting things. I think the idea is that if you let yourself feel the anger, then you can get a better handle on it than if you try to avoid it. Apparently avoiding it makes it grow or get uglier.
Fortunately, the instruction I was given was to sit there and feel the anger with your heart open to it, but it only takes moments for it to turn into something else (maybe hurt or fear, and then you sit with that for a few moments too). I've yet to try this, but I thought I'd pass it along. I'd like to hear if anyone has experience with this approach.
peg
Posted by scratchpad on April 18, 2007, at 13:20:09
In reply to Re: Working through the anger, posted by pegasus on April 18, 2007, at 10:11:02
So today I talked to my T about this past week. All the crying, and all the triggers and the anger, the bubbling rage that comes up and scares the heck out of me. And how I was feeling like this was a very dangerous way to feel, that it would start and have no way to stop and I'd create all sorts of damage and hurt.
She told me that I'm starting to realize just how much of life is out of my control. My step daughter's troubles, my husband's issues, the tragedies we see on the news, how the person ahead of us in the grocery line behaves. It's all beyond my control, and it's enraging. (This makes sense to me.) She describes it as a societal problem - that our world changes so quickly and severely that we can't emotionally keep up with it all.
It's that idea of radical acceptance, of loving what is, what other catchphrases are out there at the moment?? They're all pointing and saying, "this is you," and my head and heart are crying out, "Nooooo!!" just like Mr Bill. Denying what is, is crazy-making. It's anxiety-brewing. It makes my back hurt, and my head hurt, and my heart break.
I told her I was having a hard time journaling through this, and she suggested that I write some letters to my step daughter. Letters that I won't ever send her, just what do I want for her, what do I wish she would do? Just thinking about what I would say makes me cry. But I think I can do it.
We talked about keeping myself safe, keeping my step daughter out of the house, talking to my doctor about PMDD and maybe trying a week-long course of Prozac during the premenstrual part of my cycle.
I really like it when I come out of a therapy appointment feeling empowered. That is what makes me really feel safe.
sp
Posted by Declan on April 18, 2007, at 15:24:50
In reply to Re: Working through the anger » Declan, posted by scratchpad on April 18, 2007, at 8:06:32
>My therapist is of the mind that a gestalt response - hitting inanimate objects or screaming in an empty room - doesn't help but rather hinders in facilitating the anger. It doesn't resolve anything, but rather creates an outlet that lets the anger and response perpetuate.<
I think that's right.
I like the saying (from where?) 'There is nothing in heaven or earth worth losing your composure over'. (O yeah?)
Posted by Declan on April 18, 2007, at 17:52:41
In reply to Re: Working through the anger » scratchpad, posted by Declan on April 18, 2007, at 15:24:50
As a culture we have over-rehearsed the expression of anger. Years ago the superheroes were oddly wimpy (Superman, Roy Rodgers) and expressed their anger in a restrained kind of way (John Wayne). Now we get out our baseball bats when things don't go right in the traffic. I'm reminded of those millions of peasants in the 3 Gorge Dam area of China, who had lived there for countless generations, told by the government to leave, they dig up the bones of their ancestors, clean them up, and leave for somewhere else, saying 'it's for the good of the country'.
These killings in schools...this is relevant.
Posted by scratchpad on April 18, 2007, at 18:43:13
In reply to Re: Working through the anger, posted by Declan on April 18, 2007, at 17:52:41
Yes, it IS relevant. That's why I'm concerned about expressing my anger - or just experiencing it, really - in a way that isn't destructive. I'm very upset at the casual acceptance of violence, whereby an enormous tragedy becomes a 24-hour-a-day news story. It's all so troubling.
sp
Posted by littleone on April 18, 2007, at 21:38:51
In reply to Wow! What a slip!, posted by antigua on April 16, 2007, at 20:05:56
>>I'm sorry you're feeling so angry. I rarely ever allow myself to feel anger so I'm in awe of you. to make myself angry once, and to try and get it out, I took my son's plastic baseball bat and beat it against a wire fence for a while. It actually hoped.
I loved this slip up! It really put such a hopeful wistfulness on the end of your post. What was your bat hoping for? I bet it wants good things for you and was hoping it could help you with your anger. It sounds like it could see a little ray of sunshine through all the dark clouds.
Sending you warm thoughts.
This is the end of the thread.
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