Posted by scratchpad on April 16, 2007, at 8:34:07
I can't believe how angry I am. Unfiltered, unfettered, raw and so very strong. I can't really tell what will set me off - some injustice, real or ultra-sensitized (I can't bring myself to say that my anger might be contrived!). No mood stabilizer to blunt the feeling, no alcohol to submerge it. It makes my body ache, it makes my migraines spring to life, it steal my appetite and my exhausts me.
My therapist really wants me to work through all this. She acknowledges that it's hard. I might feel better about it if I trusted that it will get better. But I don't yet have that kind of belief in my own abilities to heal and go forward.
No one is safe from my anger right now. It goes in all directions at once.
Last night I lit incense, watched a candle's flame, half-listened to serene music, and flipped through all the nothingness that tv has to offer. Yes, all at the same time. I gave myself little tasks and got things done. I sat and did nothing. I cooked (oi, how I cooked! A freezer well stocked, for the time being). I thought about drinking, and didn't. I started this post 3 times and deleted it each time. I played with the cat.
The only thing I haven't done is look at what I'm angry about. I can only dance around it, guess at what's at the bottom of it, and worry that, once disturbed, it will never rest, never resolve.
Well, at least I got this out of me for now.
Scratchpad
poster:scratchpad
thread:750222
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/750222.html