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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by muffled on March 23, 2006, at 22:56:37
In reply to i feel..., posted by special_k on March 23, 2006, at 22:11:56
> sad o r bad or something...
>
> :-(***Sorry you sad, but you sure ain't bad. You've said lotsa good stuff and encouraged me lots. So don't be dissing yourself cuz then I'll have to fly to where you are and tell you off or something!!!!
Take care.
Damos, it was proly my stupid whining on admin. that did it.
But life can just do it too.
Hey Sp_k you'll be glad to know I wigged out my preacher.
Aaaaack. Oh well. He got over it.
Ha!
See ya,
Muffled
Posted by Deneb on March 23, 2006, at 23:07:01
In reply to Re: i feel... » special_k, posted by Deneb on March 23, 2006, at 22:43:08
I use "my" instead of "me" and now "suspense" instead of "suspend". What's up with that?
Deneb*
Posted by AuntieMel on March 24, 2006, at 9:27:51
In reply to i feel..., posted by special_k on March 23, 2006, at 22:11:56
Therefore I am.
comforting statement.
Posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 12:31:03
In reply to Re: i feel..., posted by special_k on March 23, 2006, at 22:27:23
i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself
and what do i think tha tis goig to accomplich?
it is how i feel.
:-(
it i.s adn i think... i probably should.
i do.
i now im not supposed to
but i do.
i do't wnt to do thisanymore
Posted by AuntieMel on March 24, 2006, at 12:52:16
In reply to Re: i feel..., posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 12:31:03
Breathe deep. Again. Now hold it.
Ok, now exhale, slooowwwllyy.
And remenber - those feelings are part of the disease. You have no reason to hate yourself.
Wouldn't you want to be your friend? We do.
Posted by muffled on March 24, 2006, at 14:10:06
In reply to Re: i feel..., posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 12:31:03
(((((((((((((((((((Special_K))))))))))))))))))))))))
Who was that? She sounds very upset.
Its gonna be ok.
Part of me hates myself so much............
Sometimes it gets away on me :(
But then things get better again and its ok.
I like you, LOTS.
So there.
Sigh....
Luv ya Special_K
you take care,
Muffly
Posted by damos on March 24, 2006, at 14:45:51
In reply to Re: i feel..., posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 12:31:03
Please come and talk to us.....please
Want you to be okay. Why do you think you should feel like that, you are such a wonderful friend to so many.
Please take good care of you, we need you here with us so much.
I'm sorry you feel this way
((((((((((special_k))))))))))
Posted by Deneb on March 24, 2006, at 16:28:56
In reply to Re: i feel..., posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 12:31:03
Did anything bad happen to make you feel this way?
Don't be so hard on yourself. You're a kind, caring, and thoughtful person who deserves only love.
<love>special k<love>
Deneb*
Posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 20:27:57
In reply to ((((((((((special_k)))))))))), posted by damos on March 24, 2006, at 14:45:51
I'm sorry. Just having a bit of a hard time. I haven't thought about hurting myself or anything like that for a while now. But the thought has started to come back to me. I think it is probably about the move. It was very unsettling for me. Easier knowing I had been here before. Easier knowing the city a little. But who am I kidding, I don't know it hardly at all. Most people are better at finding their way around than me after maybe one week. Why? Because I don't get out much and I don't have all that good a sense of direction. Loss of exploratory behaviour. Or something. I really don't get out much. The anxiety at the thought is enough for me to think that it really isn't worth it. And social stuff is hard for me too. I had forgotten just how hard. I'm remembering primary school and intermediate school and high school now. It took me a long while to make friends. Always. Yeah ok so I guess in hindsight I kind of blamed my mother for not letting me do anything after school and stuff. But it was still hard for me to make friends. And it is hard here too. Inherited all those same problems. And I'm realising that it is me. It wasn't my mother. It was me. There is something wrong with me :-( There is. And other people pick up on it. That is why people don't really listen when I speak and stuff. I just don't say anything particularly interesting. I can hear other people just chatting and laughing and stuff. Conversations with me just don't go like that. So people get away from me as soon as they can. And I feel all awkward and just want to fall through the floor. And then I find myself wondering that if I leave now... I don't really know my way home. And of course it always does work out alright. But I worry. I do. And I don't think it is worth it. I just want to stay in my room forever. Or something. I don't know. And people... They say things. Gossip is real bad. And people are really into sharing 'secrets' which of course will be shared among everyone else before the night is through. And people ask you what you think of this or that in a context of gossip. They say things and I can see the intention is to lull you into a sense of security so you will tell them what is on your mind. And I can't do that. I can't play those social games. I don't want to. But I want to fit in it is so important to me. But I know that it being important or them knowing just how important it is is counter productive in its own way because then they will just think I am desperate and pathetic. And it is hard. And there is a group. And key people proclaim someone the 'favourite' for five minutes... And I can't believe I'm saying this online but I feel so f*cking lonely even though there are all these people around and I don't have anyone I can just talk to and be myself with. And I am terrified of negative judgement or evaluation. And that is what they do. Teach people to make fine grained discriminations and distinctions and I guess they employ them in their personal lives as well. And why did I want to do this again? And I'm too terrified to open my mouth. And people do think I'm stupid. And even one on one it can be too hard. To do a proof in real time is like math when someone is standing over you and you have to hurry up hurry up hurry up and you are so anxious you can't even think and you can't think and nothing occurs to you and you can't even begin to do it. And it was given to you because it was supposed to be easy to ease you in and you can't even manage that. And I can tell it is me. Just supposed to not be bothered and just keep on going. Keep on hanging around and be a bit more independent and not bothered by it all really but friendly. And if I was more centred I would be okay and then they would probably like me okay and I'd just not partake in the things I don't like and they would just get used to me over time. But I don't know who I am. So I do things and then realise I'm not happy with that. And I don't do things when I probably should. And I hem and haw and can't decide. And indecision is probably the worst crime of all. And I'm thinking I really don't know that I can do this. Just want to curl up in bed all the time. And maybe I'm getting sick or something. I know what I really need is a t. Or think I need or something. But if I go along and they say 'what do you expect us to do?' and / or 'we are just a short term service so we can see you once or twice' then I'll feel worse than I do now much much much worse and I don't know that I can afford to take that risk.
Posted by Bobby on March 24, 2006, at 20:32:31
In reply to Re: sorry, posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 20:27:57
that only makes it worse. Hope you come out of this soon----but feel free to vent.
Posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 20:49:01
In reply to Re: sorry, posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 20:27:57
And I can't even talk to people is what I've realised. Because I'm used to such a small group and we didn't really talk to each other. Just would send them bits I'd written and they'd write comments in return. And because I'm used to chatting to people online. And I lose words misplace them. And I say something and people say 'no' and then sounds to me like they rephrase what I've just said and that is acceptable to them and I don't understand what the difference is. And I don't have self confidence to know when to push and when to back off. And women pushing... Tends to be frowned upon anyway and what are we supposed to be like and I don't understand and none of this makes any sense to me. But it is hard not being able to speak. And I think over the past week especially I've started really worrying about that about not being able to speak to find the words. I've had trouble with some things for a while. The name of a song, the name of a band, the sound of a song. Have all three but can't put them together. A persons face a persons name. And sometimes I get this long chain of 3 or 4 or 5 names occur to me and thats the best I can do and their name isn't even on the list. And people really do feel offended when you don't remember their name. And maybe I'm just blaming in hindsight but I really think this is because of the ECT. And people don't understand and you can't really explain it. Just 'I'm really bad at names' and then sometimes I explain about the bands and songs thing and explain that I have a more general difficulty with that and people tend to say something about some people not putting in the effort that is required. And I guess most people just don't worry about the things people say. But I do. And I feel a bit like once people have noticed then you either become a target for people to pick fun at and even when people are nice to your face who knows what they are saying behind your back or you become an object of pity. And both of them... I just want to curl up in my room. And you know the worst thing in all this is that I don't know how much of this is just coming from me and my insecurities and paranoias and how much is coming from others in the sense that they really are trying to hurt or are laughing or pitying or whatever and I can't tell and I'm not sure and I think I'm losing my reality testing again... And it is just because I'm stressed and that happens then. And all that is to be done when I get like that is to shut myself away because otherwise I'm in danger of exhibitig inappropriate emotion and then people will think I'm crazy too
Posted by muffled on March 24, 2006, at 20:50:30
In reply to Re: sorry, posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 20:27:57
Well I'm glad you were able to share with us special_k.
It sounds real hard. Reminds me of me.
Is there any chance you could get some benzos? I used to like xanax, but I prefer clonazapam now. You sound like your having a great deal of anxiety. Makes it hard to think, I know.
A short term T might be ok, if you know right from the get go that its gonna be that way.
I dunno if you do any drugs, but if so mebbe there could be withdrawl?
Oh those stupid people don't know what they are missing in knowing you. They are so stupid. But surely there's some more real people too? Somehow you'll have to find them. But don't get caught up in a trouble crowd. There are good people out there, I'm finally beginning to understand that that may be true.
Boggles my mind really......
Sometimes its so hard, and it seems so trite to say 'this will pass', but hell......it will......eventually.
If you could keep posting, maybe that would help you not feel so alone, cuz us babblers are with you all the way. I am anyways for sure.
I bet somebody more socialized than I will have some ideas.
Ack, gotta run,
You take care,
Muffled
Posted by Phillipa on March 24, 2006, at 21:18:37
In reply to Re: sorry, posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 20:49:01
Do you think you may posssibly need help that we cant't give you here that maybe you need the hospital for adjusting meds. It's not that bad and we'll all understand. Love Phillipa
Posted by rubenstein on March 24, 2006, at 22:03:18
In reply to i feel..., posted by special_k on March 23, 2006, at 22:11:56
> I hate that wierd feeling, taking a shower sometimes helps me, I know it sounds stupid, but sometimes just feeling the water gets rid of that ugly feeling, cleanses me or something.
take care
rachelsad o r bad or something...
>
> :-(
Posted by Gee on March 24, 2006, at 22:15:18
In reply to Re: sorry, posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 20:49:01
I have the same problems with names. Usually if you pull off a welcoming "Hi!" with a smile, and acknoledge them, like you recognize them, they dont' care if you used their name or not.
I'm sure you have TONS of great qualities, you just gotta let the world see them. Apparently if you walk like you're confident people are more liekly to approach you. Also looking people in the eyes and smiling at them. Who cares what others think? Really, they're just missing out on knowing an amazing person. I always try to tell myself that I don't care that they do this, or that she has this or he does that, so why would they care if I do this? You know? Don't be too hard on yourself
Posted by special_k on March 25, 2006, at 4:44:55
In reply to Re: sorry » special_k, posted by Gee on March 24, 2006, at 22:15:18
thank you. yeah if i could walk more confident... sometimes i can manage it and yeah you are right :-) othertimes... panic and self doubt seem to get the better of me.
thank you.
Posted by special_k on March 25, 2006, at 4:47:40
In reply to Re: i feel..., posted by rubenstein on March 24, 2006, at 22:03:18
> > I hate that wierd feeling, taking a shower sometimes helps me, I know it sounds stupid, but sometimes just feeling the water gets rid of that ugly feeling, cleanses me or something.
Yeah. that is a good idea. I've been getting a bit lax with that too... Depression has been sinking in and what is the point having a shower when you aren't planning on getting up? But if you can muster the effort... They can help one feel better yeah. I get this feeling sometimes. Of being dirty on the inside. Long hot showers help with that. Maybe it will help now. I will have a smoke and a shower before hitting bed. thank you.
Posted by special_k on March 25, 2006, at 4:50:03
In reply to Re: sorry » special_k, posted by Phillipa on March 24, 2006, at 21:18:37
> Do you think you may posssibly need help that we cant't give you here that maybe you need the hospital for adjusting meds. It's not that bad and we'll all understand. Love Phillipa
I don't like to think that is what I need because... Hospitalisation isn't an option. And medication... Well I have some valium PRN so I've taken some of that and now I'm feeling a lot calmer. I am a little afraid of taking it... Have an addictive personality etc etc. But I think I needed something anything about now... Thanks. I hope I'll feel better tomorrow.
Posted by special_k on March 25, 2006, at 4:59:34
In reply to Re: sorry » special_k, posted by muffled on March 24, 2006, at 20:50:30
Hey. Yeah... I'm a little wary of benzos... I think I like them a little too much... I used to get Temazapam in hospital. To help me sleep. And I liked that very much indeed. Used to be able to buy those... But I think it might be anxiety yeah. I'm not sure what to do... At the moment I have diazepam 5mg PRN. So I've just taken one of those. And I feel a lot calmer. I was looking at how it is meant to be long acting... I don't know about them... Would I be better to take a low dosage of something every day? Or just take a dosage PRN? I don't know. I guess I've got it PRN at the moment... But what does that mean? Especially when sometimes bad patches... Seem to be neverending?
> A short term T might be ok, if you know right from the get go that its gonna be that way.
Maybe. But then maybe I'll get attached and then when it is over... Maybe that will be hard for me anyways...
> I dunno if you do any drugs, but if so mebbe there could be withdrawl?
Need to stop drinking :-( Yup. I do. I think that isn't helping. I think that is messing with my mood. Also... Feeling burnt out. Over socialised. Freaking out rather. Need rest. I just want to hibernate for a while. People... Too much anxiety provoking. Need to be by myself. Feel like it is a waste though when before... I envisiged really making the most of the art gallery and stuff to do here. But in reality... I just hide in my room all weekend. I don't do anything. Haven't even been to the suburbs yet. Hardly know my way around CBD. :-(
I think people are okay really. It is all about my panic. My freaking out. I think they are okay really. But I freak out. Then need to hide myself away.
> Sometimes its so hard, and it seems so trite to say 'this will pass', but hell......it will......eventually.
Yeah. Thanks.
> If you could keep posting, maybe that would help you not feel so alone, cuz us babblers are with you all the way. I am anyways for sure.
((((muffled))))
thank you.
Posted by special_k on March 25, 2006, at 5:04:25
In reply to Re:deep breaths » special_k, posted by AuntieMel on March 24, 2006, at 12:52:16
thanks auntiemel. i just really freak out sometimes :-( i can see that is what is happening... but i'm not sure what to do to
stop it or make it go away.sometimes those thoughts just go around and around my head. in response to every little thing. i make a blunder and the thougth 'i hate myself' it just keeps on popping up... over and over. and i always remember what my old t used to say to me 'be kind to yourself' and i always try and remember that to counter it but maybe her magic is wearing off over the years or something. i don't know. but the thought just seems to keep on occuring to me.
and it can be so very tiring to hear it...
Posted by special_k on March 25, 2006, at 5:05:45
In reply to Don't be sorry, posted by Bobby on March 24, 2006, at 20:32:31
hey bobby.
thanks. we must have crossed posts...
Posted by special_k on March 25, 2006, at 5:06:55
In reply to Re: i feel... » special_k, posted by Deneb on March 23, 2006, at 22:43:08
((((Deneb)))))
Posted by special_k on March 25, 2006, at 5:08:20
In reply to Re: i feel... » special_k, posted by Damos on March 23, 2006, at 22:54:06
hey. i think i'm doing better now. feel a lot clamer. in fact... falling asleep as i'm typing really. good to get some sleep... need to get some sleep... thanks for being there (((damos)))
Posted by Dinah on March 25, 2006, at 11:03:20
In reply to Re: sorry, posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 20:49:01
But while some people cope with change really well, I think what you're going through is fairly normal for a large number of people. Going someplace new and trying to fit in is HARD. Trying to figure out the overt and unspoken rules for a new place is HARD. The anxiety makes it worse then it all swirls together.
My son's teacher said that someday he'll be able to say "Ok, I'm in that transition phase, and it feels terrible, but I know that eventually it will be over and I'll feel ok where I am." He's clearly too young to understand that. I think I may be too.
But... Over time you'll figure out where the best place to eat or grab a cup of coffee may be. And that confusing sea of new faces will sort out into those who are nice and fun to be with, and those who aren't. You may make one or two good friends, or you may at least know who it's safe to hang out with. At the beginning, till you sort that out, if one or two people are unkind and most people are neither particularly kind or unkind, it can seem like everyone's unkind.
This coming from me, the person who thinks my life will be effectively over if I have to move, and that my son will never get over it.
So if we have to move, maybe you can echo what I've just said to me.
:(
Posted by muffled on March 25, 2006, at 11:06:51
In reply to Re: sorry » muffled, posted by special_k on March 25, 2006, at 4:59:34
> Hey. Yeah... I'm a little wary of benzos... I think I like them a little too much... I used to get Temazapam in hospital. To help me sleep. And I liked that very much indeed. Used to be able to buy those... But I think it might be anxiety yeah. I'm not sure what to do... At the moment I have diazepam 5mg PRN. So I've just taken one of those. And I feel a lot calmer. I was looking at how it is meant to be long acting... I don't know about them... Would I be better to take a low dosage of something every day? Or just take a dosage PRN? I don't know. I guess I've got it PRN at the moment... But what does that mean? Especially when sometimes bad patches... Seem to be neverending?
***I have a big problem w/anxiety. I also have an addictive personality. I remember awhile back when I was smoking weed to try and feel better and my T says "do you think thats a good idea given your history?" WTF, that kinda pissed me off, but she was right :-(
But (mostly) I'm pretty careful with the benzo's. I only get a limited amount so I try not to overuse.
I don't use them all the time, just when I am extra struggling(eg .5 clonazapam daily for a week or two, then a bit of a break). Some work faster(like xanax I think) for quick effect for anxiety attack, others seem to be slower acting. Some make me feel really like I'm on 'drugs'(like street drugs), so I stay away from those, cuz it just upsets me more. Can't remember which ones, I think it was ones specifically prescribed for sleeping(oh ya, and the one you put under your tongue too). I dunno bout the one your on, alls I know is I react very differently to some of them. For me clonazapam(.25) and xanax(.25) are ok. I tend to take just as needed these days.
I'm on sertraline for anxiety and depression, but its a low dose(50). When I try and go up, it kinda freaks me some. So I not too sure bout it yet....
>
> > A short term T might be ok, if you know right from the get go that its gonna be that way.
>
> Maybe. But then maybe I'll get attached and then when it is over... Maybe that will be hard for me anyways...***Mebbe only every 2 weeks? And don't get into emotions too much. Keep it to management issues, if you know what I mean? Or a p-doc to work on your meds?
>
> > I dunno if you do any drugs, but if so mebbe there could be withdrawl?
>
> Need to stop drinking :-( Yup. I do. I think that isn't helping. I think that is messing with my mood. Also... Feeling burnt out. Over socialised. Freaking out rather. Need rest. I just want to hibernate for a while. People... Too much anxiety provoking. Need to be by myself. Feel like it is a waste though when before... I envisiged really making the most of the art gallery and stuff to do here. But in reality... I just hide in my room all weekend. I don't do anything. Haven't even been to the suburbs yet. Hardly know my way around CBD. :-(*** Well for me drinking is poison. It most definately messes w/my mood. Its a very powerful drug.
Ah take it easy on yourself girl, you do what you can do, nothing wrong with that. Can you give yourself permission to 'hide out' some weekends or the odd day? You with your hormones, mebbe you could plan ahead? I know I am just not a very social person, so I REALLY need my times away from people. Alone, all alone. Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm licking my wounds, sometimes I just walk around with absolutely no expectations of myself or others.(I think sometimes when I do that I look like a tranced out addict, but I just allow myself the rest of dissociating and ignoring weird looks or comments).
>
> I think people are okay really. It is all about my panic. My freaking out. I think they are okay really. But I freak out. Then need to hide myself away.***my T likens it to my wearing lots of 'protective coats' and sometimes I start to take some of the coats off and relax a bit, but then I feel too exposed and rush to put all those coats I took off back on again, even though its hot and uncomfortable, its what I'm used to. Feeling relaxed and cool and comfortable is scarey to me, cuz its not what I am used to.
But really, ya, lotsa people are ok, but they human, just like me. Bet lotsa them have struggles, just like me. Bet lotsa them hide it, just like me................
>
> > Sometimes its so hard, and it seems so trite to say 'this will pass', but hell......it will......eventually.
>
> Yeah. Thanks.***yeah, right ;-) Just HAD to say it. Its my mantra these days.
>
> > If you could keep posting, maybe that would help you not feel so alone, cuz us babblers are with you all the way. I am anyways for sure.
>
> ((((muffled))))
> thank you.***thank-you, you helped me out lots too.
((((((((((special_k))))))))))
I hope you can get things sorted out some.
I hope you can be nice to you, a little bit at least, you really are a nice one.
And I hope you keep posting so we can know your ok.
And I wish I weren't so far away :-(
Take care you,
Muffled
>
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