Posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 20:49:01
In reply to Re: sorry, posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 20:27:57
And I can't even talk to people is what I've realised. Because I'm used to such a small group and we didn't really talk to each other. Just would send them bits I'd written and they'd write comments in return. And because I'm used to chatting to people online. And I lose words misplace them. And I say something and people say 'no' and then sounds to me like they rephrase what I've just said and that is acceptable to them and I don't understand what the difference is. And I don't have self confidence to know when to push and when to back off. And women pushing... Tends to be frowned upon anyway and what are we supposed to be like and I don't understand and none of this makes any sense to me. But it is hard not being able to speak. And I think over the past week especially I've started really worrying about that about not being able to speak to find the words. I've had trouble with some things for a while. The name of a song, the name of a band, the sound of a song. Have all three but can't put them together. A persons face a persons name. And sometimes I get this long chain of 3 or 4 or 5 names occur to me and thats the best I can do and their name isn't even on the list. And people really do feel offended when you don't remember their name. And maybe I'm just blaming in hindsight but I really think this is because of the ECT. And people don't understand and you can't really explain it. Just 'I'm really bad at names' and then sometimes I explain about the bands and songs thing and explain that I have a more general difficulty with that and people tend to say something about some people not putting in the effort that is required. And I guess most people just don't worry about the things people say. But I do. And I feel a bit like once people have noticed then you either become a target for people to pick fun at and even when people are nice to your face who knows what they are saying behind your back or you become an object of pity. And both of them... I just want to curl up in my room. And you know the worst thing in all this is that I don't know how much of this is just coming from me and my insecurities and paranoias and how much is coming from others in the sense that they really are trying to hurt or are laughing or pitying or whatever and I can't tell and I'm not sure and I think I'm losing my reality testing again... And it is just because I'm stressed and that happens then. And all that is to be done when I get like that is to shut myself away because otherwise I'm in danger of exhibitig inappropriate emotion and then people will think I'm crazy too
poster:special_k
thread:623978
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060324/msgs/624310.html