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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ClearSkies on August 18, 2005, at 10:37:02
OK.
The increase in Topamax is going Strangely. I can't sleep at night, I doze during the day - hello, timing, anyone? - I can't remember how many and when of those little buggers I have taken. Is my mood stable? Got me. Are my thoughts more rational? Er, nope. I'm not aware of doing much thinking.
I must have a defective wagon because I fell off it again. Not in a spectacular way, but I am so disappointed in myself, ashamed at not being able to resist something as simple as a cocktail. Eh? What do they put in them to make them so addictive? Does wonders for a foundering self esteem. Oh, and it has set off my depression in a predictable way, tears tears tears. It is taking me a while to calm down from this hysteria and I have no confidence that I can keep straight.
Not working is letting me isolate in a beautiful way. I make my bed every day. I can't be bothered to watch day time TV. The news scares the heck out of me. I am distressed by the ever increasing body count in Iraq and Afganistan; the Gaza strip unrest makes me weep to watch the newsreel footage. I can't be bothered to listen to music, so I sit in silence, read when I am able. My pictures are lined up perfectly on my walls. My cat is groomed. My laundry is folded. Such progress. Yet I have been trying for 2 hours to leave the house to buy groceries. It isn't happening, folks. Not soon.
My husband is coming to my next therapist appointment on Tuesday as I'm convinced he is not comprehending my illness and doesn't show much interest in doing so. He is not a demonstrative chap and I'm ever so needy right now, as you can tell. A poor combination. I am nervous and he seems uneasy, though heaven forbid we actually talk about anything.
That's me, but I'm not changing my name.
Posted by Sonya on August 18, 2005, at 10:59:58
In reply to Disordered all other the place, too many boards, posted by ClearSkies on August 18, 2005, at 10:37:02
It's so hard to feel so bad and not even our husbands understand. I think my husband thinks I'm just lazy. He just doesn't get how overwhelming it is for me to go to the store and make all those decisions like what brand cereal to buy. I think I expend all my energy at trying to cope with my full-time job and have nothing left over for my personal life. Then, of course, I feel awful guilt for letting him assume most household responsibilities. Sometimes I think life would be easier alone so my inaction wouldn't affect anyone else.
Easy to understand why depressed people feel so worthless. It's a vicious cycle.
Posted by Dinah on August 18, 2005, at 13:43:12
In reply to Disordered all other the place, too many boards, posted by ClearSkies on August 18, 2005, at 10:37:02
Agh, I'm sorry. And you were just feeling so good, too.
The loss of structure might be affecting you. Is there anything other than work that you can use to structure your days? I always figured that if I was ever free of the devil's snare of my work, that I'd go back to school. Or maybe volunteer, though I'm less enthusiastic about that.
Working from home can have the same pitfalls. Sometimes it's hard to force myself up and working. But in my case, I always wonder whether it's that I can't or that I don't. Then I get angry with myself. I'm still not altogether sure. The timing for the beginning of my poor performance coincides with too many psychological and physical factors to sort it out.
But don't feel bad. (Gosh, I can't get used to not calling you PC. I guess it'll be CS now?) It would probably be most productive to figure out where the areas of difficulties are, and what you can do to smooth them out.
Posted by ClearSkies on August 18, 2005, at 16:17:13
In reply to Re: Disordered all other the place, too many board » ClearSkies, posted by Dinah on August 18, 2005, at 13:43:12
Your post, as always, made me think. Now my brain hurts. The structure at work was what I ultimately found beyond my capabilities, as well as the "nowhere to hide" aspect of the position.
My suspicion is that I'm experiencing the full extent of being bipolar2. That my period of doing well, having motivation, getting out and doing things and being almost-sort of-not quite productive was inevitably going to be followed by my irrational thoughts, anger directed tilting at windmills, televisions, or my husband, then the fall into depression and the pit of alcohol. This is the first time I've been consciously aware of the cycle, though I have been through it many times before. I have been fired exactly 4 times during that irrational, angry phase; and I know that part of my "courage" to end my first marriage also came during a manic period.
So at least I have gained some introspection in this latest spiral dance. Also I'm finally on a mood stabilizer, though obviously not on it properly. I did manage to stay awake all afternoon by changing the timing of my dosage of Topamax today.
I can even say that I feel a bit better than when I posted earlier today. That's a good thing, right?
BTW when I was briefly on top of the world (I think it was last week), I was certain I could volunteer and teach the entire state to read AND learn English as a second language. Oh, and I'm redecorating a bathroom.
That last bit seems feasible.
Yours in babbleness,
CS
Posted by Damos on August 18, 2005, at 16:58:01
In reply to Re: Disordered all other the place, too many board » Dinah, posted by ClearSkies on August 18, 2005, at 16:17:13
I'm sorry you're feeling this way CS. Though your second post does carry signs of hope. Simply being able to see the pattern is a big, big thing. I also think Dinah may be on to something with the structure stuff.
In my own case, the structure isn't a problem it's all the expectations that go along with working. The security of the routine (probably a better word than structure) of having to get up and go to work and be out there are what saves me and keeps me functional a lot of the time. The loss of my routines really scares me. It may well be a groove or a rut depending on how you look at it, but it's safe and predictable and mine. Maybe it's the loss of the routine that's hard. Going to work got you out, and once you were out doing other thing while you were 'out there' didn't seem so big. But going out specifically to do those things is something else again. I go through periods of that too.
As for falling of the wagon. Each of us has wagons we fall off. Try not to too hard on yourself. It's only natural when things get messed up to retreat to familiar patterns, especially if the support you need to be strong isn't there at that weakest moment. We're all here loving you as best we can CS, lean on us all you need to.
Would you like to try the online 21 Day Reiki course I did a while back? I find when I remember to do it (even half heartedly) that it really helps.
Well just in case the first one wasn't enough (((((CS)))))
Posted by ClearSkies on August 18, 2005, at 18:08:48
In reply to ((((((((((ClearSkies)))))))))), posted by Damos on August 18, 2005, at 16:58:01
And, yes, I'm interested in Reiki!!
My cat seems to think (?) I have healing hands...
Posted by Phillipa on August 18, 2005, at 21:21:30
In reply to You give the best hugs, Damos, posted by ClearSkies on August 18, 2005, at 18:08:48
Clear Skies, Maybe we'll be moving down your way then we'll both be able to help support each other. I'll help get you out and you can help me sit still. Two follow-up leads. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by annierose on August 18, 2005, at 21:38:57
In reply to Disordered all other the place, too many boards, posted by ClearSkies on August 18, 2005, at 10:37:02
I must of been away when you changed your name. It took me awhile to figure out it was you ... I'm slow on the uptake.
I think you are making progress. Recognizing the patterns in your emotional life is a huge step, without insight, there can't be change .... or something like that.
So, you don't like structure. I thrieve on structure, so I'm not a good person to go for help. But I can listen. When my kids are in school (excuse me, time to do a happy dance now) and I actually have a day off from work, errands, dr. appointments, etc. ... I sometimes feel sad, like, now what?
Oh and this will make you smile because it's happening to me, and not you. I think I need another root canal. The tooth next to the previous one is acting up ... sensitive to hot, cold, can't bite on it ... FUN FUN FUN. Who needs new clothes when one can just spend a year's budget on 2 root canals, 2 crowns and therapy?
Thinking of you and hope your pdoc finds some relief for you,
Annierose
Posted by 10derHeart on August 19, 2005, at 1:55:39
In reply to You give the best hugs, Damos, posted by ClearSkies on August 18, 2005, at 18:08:48
...I do believe he's offended or something.
I mean, I *thought* it was just purring, but now I'm thinking he said (!!), "Is she implying with her use of the [?] that there is some question as to whether her cat thinks or not? Or that any of us can think?!"
When I shrugged, he meowed rudely, turned and strutted out of the room, as only a cat can do...
Nosey cat. Better keep him off my lap when I'm on Babble. Didn't know he was so sensitive...or such a good reader.... ;-)
Posted by ClearSkies on August 19, 2005, at 6:42:48
In reply to Well, MY cat saw your post and... » ClearSkies, posted by 10derHeart on August 19, 2005, at 1:55:39
I'm pretty sure my cat can only read with her behind.
Clear-erSkies today
I love you people.
Posted by ClearSkies on August 19, 2005, at 8:37:24
In reply to Re: Disordered all other the place, too many boards » ClearSkies, posted by annierose on August 18, 2005, at 21:38:57
Oh, no - another root canal?!? My heart goes out to you, Annierose. We just finished paying for the last round of dental go-rounds here.
Roseanne Roseannadanna was right.
It's always something.
Posted by coley on August 20, 2005, at 1:03:13
In reply to Disordered all other the place, too many boards, posted by ClearSkies on August 18, 2005, at 10:37:02
Don't feel too guilty about surrendering to temptation. I screwed up at work last night. I didn't go overboard in the least, but I still faltered. I also feel you on the man in your life not knowing what to say. Sometimes I worry that my boyfriend has second thoughts about me due to my depression/anxiety. It scares me 'cause he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but it saddens me too 'cause who am I to hold him back. Sometimes I think that he could be happier with someone more else, then I start the self hating again, yeah yeah I know I'm full of the crazies.
This is the end of the thread.
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