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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dubya on June 29, 2001, at 23:46:30
People tell me I try too hard. (I don't quite follow what they mean when they say this). I am like the only one (I am 20) that is single and alone w/nothing to do on a Fri night. I have no idea how to have a girlfriend or even invite a girl out to coffee, etc. I have everything one can wish to have (material goods) yet I am MESSED up like this. I know money can't bring happiness, however, the more I use the material goods (i.e. car) the more worthless I feel. Sometimes I wish someone would just kill me or give me a big slap across the face. Sometimes I think the world would be better off without me. Sometimes I think about how unimportant I am to this world. Sometimes I feel like a big loser. Sometimes I just wish I was someone else but me. Sometimes I wonder why my life feel so painful. Something about ME makes me suck like this. I always wonder why people avoid me and not even tell me why, I wonder if it is something I did to wrong them. This makes it even more difficult for me to distinguish btwn right/wrong. I am a peanut brain, I hope nobody has to go through what I am/have gone through.
I really appreciate the attention you put in by reading this.
Posted by lissa on June 30, 2001, at 1:19:44
In reply to Why do I seemto be so messed up?, posted by Dubya on June 29, 2001, at 23:46:30
You are going through a hard time. Maybe you needed some courage to get up the nerve to write your message on this board. I, for one, am glad that you decided to join us. If you have the courage to do that, you have the courage to get the help that you need to feel better and stop thinking so poorly of yourself. You are a valuable person despite what you think -- and no, the world would not be better off without you, so go see a counsellor. And keep us all posted on how you're doing.
Posted by kazoo on June 30, 2001, at 1:50:49
In reply to Why do I seemto be so messed up?, posted by Dubya on June 29, 2001, at 23:46:30
> People tell me I try too hard. (I don't quite follow what they mean when they say this). I am like the only one (I am 20) that is single and alone w/nothing to do on a Fri night. I have no idea how to have a girlfriend or even invite a girl out to coffee, etc. I have everything one can wish to have (material goods) yet I am MESSED up like this. I know money can't bring happiness, however, the more I use the material goods (i.e. car) the more worthless I feel. Sometimes I wish someone would just kill me or give me a big slap across the face. Sometimes I think the world would be better off without me. Sometimes I think about how unimportant I am to this world. Sometimes I feel like a big loser. Sometimes I just wish I was someone else but me. Sometimes I wonder why my life feel so painful. Something about ME makes me suck like this. I always wonder why people avoid me and not even tell me why, I wonder if it is something I did to wrong them. This makes it even more difficult for me to distinguish btwn right/wrong. I am a peanut brain, I hope nobody has to go through what I am/have gone through.
> I really appreciate the attention you put in by reading this.^^^^^^^^^^^^
Get off the pity pot and look at what you have done so far in life, no matter how small or insignificant you may think those things are, and try to do something for some else. It's called "altrusim." Knowing that you've helped someone outside your realm of self-pity will instill a self-satisfaction that's ineffable, and will remain with you and become part of your character. This will help you. It helps me.As far a finding a girlfriend goes, I refer to a song by Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young: "If you can't be with the one you love, then love the one you're with."
Also, my own saying: "It's better to be alone, than wishing that you were."
You're stronger than you think, my friend. I have full confidence in you to see your way out of this bad spell you're currently under by your own hand. Don't sell yourself short, because this life is too short to be wallowing in a personal holocaust.
Read this message again.
(a fatherly)kazoo
Posted by sar on June 30, 2001, at 12:22:30
In reply to Re: Why? You're inured to anything differently. » Dubya, posted by kazoo on June 30, 2001, at 1:50:49
Welcome back, Dubya.
I'm glad I read your post, sad as it made me, because I think you touched some nerves just about everyone can relate to.
You're not a peanut brain, babe, not with your insight--but what can I tell you? I've never met you in person, I've no idea why people avoid you (or why you think they do.) I liked Kazoo's advice, it was probably his most intelligent post I've read in the short time I've been visiting PB.
Please go see your psych. volunteer work. ride a bike. you got $$? take a trip. (as a depressed person myself, i *hate* it when people tell me those things--"get a hobby" blah blah--nah, just do what you like, it really prally will make you feel better). You like coffee and have a nice car? Drive out to New Orleans and try the coffee there, it's good, I'm tellin ya.
at night when i feel sad i open a bottle of wine and sit out on the porch with my portable stereo and sing to joan baez. the wine part ain't healthy, but it never fails to make me feel better. sing.
one of my favorite writers, Charles Bukowski, died in 1994. his tombstone says "DON'T TRY." i believe in that--don't try, don't think too much, just let it happen.
i am big on books, you know which one is good? The Tao Te Ching. If you're more into humor you might pick up the Tao of Winnie the Pooh. i bring this up because people tell you you try too hard.
you are not the only 20 year-old without a girlfriend or weekend plans, i guarantee that.
smoke some weed, smoke some weed indeed.
& keep posting.
love,
sar
Posted by shelliR on June 30, 2001, at 19:22:32
In reply to Why do I seemto be so messed up?, posted by Dubya on June 29, 2001, at 23:46:30
> Dubya, maybe in September you could get yourself in group therapy. That way you may be able to find out if people are truely avoiding you, and if they are why. A group (with a good leader) is a safe place to ask for feedback and try different ways of relating. It's really hard to be twenty and totally self-absorbed. Pain and depression do that to you. You don't want to spend the next twenty years in the same place. So have someone, or a group help you figure out how to be you, and to just be. As for now, just remember that you are young and have lots of time to make changes . Stop thinking about whether or not you belong in the world, think more about things to do that will get you unstuck. How about a yoga class for the summer?
Shelli
Posted by Rach on June 30, 2001, at 22:20:09
In reply to Why do I seemto be so messed up?, posted by Dubya on June 29, 2001, at 23:46:30
Hi,
I'm also 20 and single, and often I don't have anything to do on a Fri night. Try not to let that be something that worries you. As far as having a girlfriend is concerned, it won't happen until you start to sort out your problems. Take lots of time to try to sort yourself out, whether it be at therapy or whatever. The other guys had some great suggestions.
You are not a loser, and you can never be anyone but yourself. So learn to deal with being you. It sounds as though the people who avoid you have the major problem, not you. Unfortunately, though, their behaviour has lead to you feeling inadequate. Try to separate other's behaviour from how you feel. If they don't like you, it's their own problem & they're the one losing out.
Good luck to you,
Rachael> People tell me I try too hard. (I don't quite follow what they mean when they say this). I am like the only one (I am 20) that is single and alone w/nothing to do on a Fri night. I have no idea how to have a girlfriend or even invite a girl out to coffee, etc. I have everything one can wish to have (material goods) yet I am MESSED up like this. I know money can't bring happiness, however, the more I use the material goods (i.e. car) the more worthless I feel. Sometimes I wish someone would just kill me or give me a big slap across the face. Sometimes I think the world would be better off without me. Sometimes I think about how unimportant I am to this world. Sometimes I feel like a big loser. Sometimes I just wish I was someone else but me. Sometimes I wonder why my life feel so painful. Something about ME makes me suck like this. I always wonder why people avoid me and not even tell me why, I wonder if it is something I did to wrong them. This makes it even more difficult for me to distinguish btwn right/wrong. I am a peanut brain, I hope nobody has to go through what I am/have gone through.
> I really appreciate the attention you put in by reading this.
Posted by Glenn Fagelson on July 1, 2001, at 0:00:26
In reply to Why do I seemto be so messed up?, posted by Dubya on June 29, 2001, at 23:46:30
> People tell me I try too hard. (I don't quite follow what they mean when they say this). I am like the only one (I am 20) that is single and alone w/nothing to do on a Fri night. I have no idea how to have a girlfriend or even invite a girl out to coffee, etc. I have everything one can wish to have (material goods) yet I am MESSED up like this. I know money can't bring happiness, however, the more I use the material goods (i.e. car) the more worthless I feel. Sometimes I wish someone would just kill me or give me a big slap across the face. Sometimes I think the world would be better off without me. Sometimes I think about how unimportant I am to this world. Sometimes I feel like a big loser. Sometimes I just wish I was someone else but me. Sometimes I wonder why my life feel so painful. Something about ME makes me suck like this. I always wonder why people avoid me and not even tell me why, I wonder if it is something I did to wrong them. This makes it even more difficult for me to distinguish btwn right/wrong. I am a peanut brain, I hope nobody has to go through what I am/have gone through.
> I really appreciate the attention you put in by reading this.Dear Dubya,
Well I did have to go through the experience
of hating myself when I was 20 years old.
I have one question for you: Are you really
as worthless as you're making yourself out
to be? And if so, what qualities do you
have to really justify your position of
being unimportant and worthless? I hope that you feel better soon.Take care, Glenn
Posted by Dubya on July 1, 2001, at 0:18:13
In reply to Re: Why do I seemto be so messed up?, posted by lissa on June 30, 2001, at 1:19:44
Thanks Lissa, every little bit of courage gain from others make the greatest difference. I am willing to do what I can to not only make myself better but others too.
Posted by Dubya on July 1, 2001, at 0:25:49
In reply to Re: Why do I seemto be so messed up? » Dubya, posted by Glenn Fagelson on July 1, 2001, at 0:00:26
Thanks everyone, I am really overwhelmed with emotion here. I'd like to thank each and everyone of you personally but that is hard to do. I would especially like to thank Lissa, Sar (I don't know if weed will do any good), ShelliR Glenn (b/c of the personal experience at 20) & Rach (whom I can sort of relate to because of my age).
Some please do clarify though, what exactly does "Trying too hard" mean?
I am guessing it means not being myself?
Posted by sar on July 1, 2001, at 1:41:50
In reply to Re: Why do I seemto be so messed up? everyone, posted by Dubya on July 1, 2001, at 0:25:49
Dubya,
Well, that weed suggestion was off the wall, but I'm with Shelli on the yoga. Just buy a book and practice, it's very relaxing.
Trying too hard. Let's see. I wish I could see how you are and then I could tailor my advice to the way that you are, but all I can do is offer you my own limited personal experince/observation on "trying too hard."
Trying Too Hard is...laughing too hard, asking too many formal questions ("What's your major? What do you do for a living? Ya got a girlfriend?") Unfortunately, small talk is an art that we all must practice. Now me, I used to *smile* at people too much to show them what a nice nice person I am!--trying too hard. Or I'd interview people like I was Barbara Walters.
One of my girl friends, on the other hand, tries too hard in different ways--she cannot pass a person without saying "hi!" or conversing. Like at work, you're gonna pass a person 20 times a day, you don't want to talk to them each time. This girl was my co-worker and I became uncomfortable because she wanted to take every lunch break with me, she'd go into the restroom with me, all sorts of things like that. I sometimes felt that she was invading my personal space and trying too hard to be my friend...I was quite flattered, of course, but I lost respect for her.
I used to laugh at everyone's jokes. I'd fake-laugh my head off all day hoping it would endear me to the joke-makers. I no longer laugh at unfunny jokes--doing so, in my opinion, is trying too hard.
I have another girl friend who calls me wanting to make plans with me a week in advance--set date and time and activity...I'm more the slackerly fly-by-the-seat of my pants type, and when she tries to pencil me into her appointment book I feel trapped.
I don't know if you can relate to any of these examples at all, but I've decided to tell you about them because I have no idea how you could specifically be trying too hard. I just know what I've done and what my friends have done. Most of the girls I know like subtlety. I've had guys approach me on the street and ask me out for coffee when I've never met them in my life...like I'd go??? No! You wanna be smoove, yo...listen to some hip-hop.. :)
Here's what's worked for me--I really used to think that social success was based on Extraversion. I'm an introvert by nature, hardcore. When I try to be "outgoing," I come off as a phony--trying too hard. In the past few months I've been working on allowing myself to be true to my moods *right there in front of people* rather than being this ever-smiling pleasant girl--sometimes I'm a bitch or a grouch or gauche or don't feel like talking. My mission lately has been to let myself Be That Way.
One of the oddest outcomes of all of this is that people respect me more! I can sense it. I just want to encourage you to shoot from the hip--be true to what you're feeling, don't feel like you have to fit some sort of mold.
You sound so unique, Dubya, the best advice I can give you (generic as it sounds) is to JUST BE YOURSELF without feeling like you have to be perfect. You'd be surprised how many people feel exactly the way you do--most human beings are more than a bit self-conscious.
I am telling you this because I can relate to you. I've always had difficulties interacting w/ others. Do you have social anxiety disorder? I've been posting quite a bit lately, and if you read my other posts you'll see that xanax and klonopin have helped me quite a bit.
love,
sar
Posted by Shar on July 3, 2001, at 17:33:57
In reply to Re: Why? You're inured to anything differently. » Dubya, posted by kazoo on June 30, 2001, at 1:50:49
> Get off the pity pot
In my opinion, the phrase "pity pot" should be banned and made illegal to use, and if used, the users should be given a choice between amputation or constant muzak in their heads for six weeks without a break.
(on the "pity pot" according to my family; suicidal since teen years)Shar
Posted by Rach on July 3, 2001, at 20:24:10
In reply to Re: Why do I seemto be so messed up? everyone, posted by Dubya on July 1, 2001, at 0:25:49
You're right - I believe trying too hard means not being yourself. As sar has mentioned, there is more than one way to 'try too hard'. This is the most common type I have come across - the person trying to pretend to be like everyone else to fit in.
The thing is, most people can sense when you are not being true to yourself. This turns people away from you, because it as though you are lying; to yourself and to the people around you. People prefer the truth. You will begin a healing process if you are to be honest with yourself about who you truly are.
Try to discover who you are. Then be that person. Don't produce a fake representation of yourself, trying to be what you think others will prefer. As sar said, if you are feeling unhappy, don't pretend you are chipper for the sake of fitting in. Don't fake laughter. People only enjoy laughter that is spontaneous and truthful. People will respect you more for being human and yourself, than for trying to portray what you think they want to see.
Some people will not like the real you. There will always be someone who doesn't like you. There is an infinity of reasons why people do not like people. But it doesn't mean you are not a fantastic person. It just means that someone else has a problem with you. It's THEIR problem, not yours.
Don't worry about being different. People who are different add spice into life. People who are different see the world in a different light and better the people around them by showing them that life is so varied and that there is an infinity of possibilities in the world. In reality, everyone is different and if they weren't life would be boring and monotonous. So rejoice in who you are and try to show glimpses of who you are.
As the Genie said in Aladdin - "Bee yourself!" (Funny Disney movie, I love it).
All the best, smooth days, and much love, my fellow young 'un.
Rach
Posted by Phil on July 3, 2001, at 21:38:17
In reply to Slightly off topic, posted by Shar on July 3, 2001, at 17:33:57
> > Get off the pity pot
>
> In my opinion, the phrase "pity pot" should be banned and made illegal to use, and if used, the users should be given a choice between amputation or constant muzak in their heads for six weeks without a break.
>
> (on the "pity pot" according to my family; suicidal since teen years)SharI second that Shar. I used to see a pdoc in another city who was, my opinion, an idiot. Then, in the same office, I'd see a psychologist that basically was telling me I didn't need the drugs that his colleague just prescribed and then made a reference to PP.
I got the hell outta there.
Phil
Posted by Roo on July 5, 2001, at 7:55:14
In reply to Re: Slightly off topic-Shar, posted by Phil on July 3, 2001, at 21:38:17
I agree Shar. I hear that phrase and it makes me
bristle. It's _so_ judgemental. But I think like
most judgemental things it says more about the person
saying the word than the person it's directed towards.
It's not at all helpful either--how fruitful is it
to say something like that? How does it help the
situation? How does it bring about lovingkindness/compassion?
It's just plain mean, in my opinion.
This is the end of the thread.
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