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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on May 15, 2005, at 14:02:44
I just realized today, that I had completely blocked my ex T for sometime. I talk aobut him in this board, but I completely feel numb when I try to feel anything about him. I don't feel anything.
I try to feel, but I think it hurt too much, that I don't feel anything now. And I don't remember his face.. not much. I am pretty sure, I have blocked him out in a way..
Somedays even if I think of writing to him, I feel like what would I write? I forgot how it felt to write to him.. and I wrote non stop constantly for 2 and a half years. It just doesn't seem to be right.
Posted by Tamar on May 15, 2005, at 15:03:45
In reply to Do any of you block your T or ex T out?, posted by pinkeye on May 15, 2005, at 14:02:44
Maybe it’s a response to the pain of termination. If you feel rejected or abandoned, perhaps you try to deny the pain and pretend you have no feelings for him.
I’ve gone through all kinds of feelings for my ex-T since termination. I’ve been sad, angry, sad, bitter, abandoned, sad, hurt, longing, sad, rejected, a little bit accepting, and back to sad. About a week ago I got really angry and then for a few days I didn’t feel anything for him. And I thought, ‘Yippee! I’m over him.’ But then he started creeping back into my thoughts and my feelings.
I suppose it’s always sad when a relationship comes to an end, especially if it’s a relationship we wanted to continue. Have you tried writing him a letter you know you won’t send? It might help you access your feelings again.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 15, 2005, at 15:22:56
In reply to Do any of you block your T or ex T out?, posted by pinkeye on May 15, 2005, at 14:02:44
Posted by JenStar on May 15, 2005, at 16:48:47
In reply to Do any of you block your T or ex T out?, posted by pinkeye on May 15, 2005, at 14:02:44
I think it's hard to suddenly stop conversing with ANYONE, esp. someone as important as a T. There are still people from college I think about from time to time, wondering what they're doing, wishing we were still in touch. And these aren't even people with whom I had such a close T-like relationship! There are old guys I've dated, old friends who've disappeared into the mist, and even an old physician on whom I had a huge crush. It's not like I obsess about them, but I think about them sometimes. It's normal for a curious, thoughtful, personable person to feel a bit sad after losing contact with people we liked at one time.
So it's totally understandable that you'd feel loss for a T and maybe block it out b/c it's so painful. I think the only solution is business and time. time to heal & forget, and business to keep your mind occupied so it doesn't go back and dust off the old picture album of "used to be." I also think that the happier we are currently, the less we tend to think and dream about old friend and T's and etc.
But probably you're still feeling the pain of separation for your T. You might have a tough road ahead - acknowledgement of the pain, and then feeling it & working thru it, before you actually forget about your T "for real." (not FORGET, but think less about, I guess.)
I'm sorry this is so painful. You seem like a very insightful person. Do you have any other thoughts or insights about how the time with your ex-T affected you, or how the memories might affect you in the future?
JenStar
Posted by pinkeye on May 15, 2005, at 16:58:10
In reply to Re: Do any of you block your T or ex T out? » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on May 15, 2005, at 15:03:45
I guess so. I really want to keep the good memories..and not hurt and spoil everything. For the first time one person really went out of his way to help me. I have never really been helped as such by anyone before that. My dad brought me up and my mom and husband have helped me, but that is in a way they did it for the relationship. And friends have helped little bit, but not too much. I made my own way throughout - mostly because I qualified for stuff - education, job, coming here etc.
This Dr really went out of the way to help me. He didn't charge me anything. And I can't see any reason why he couldn't have terminated me sooner. He could have said that it was just too much for him to keep writing emails. Nobody else would have done it for me. And I kept pounding him with emails also.
I really wish I will grow out of it, and keep only pleasant thoughts.. And I want to finish off my transference, and not project stuff on to him. I don't think I will ever be a friend to him, but atleast I would like to keep in touch once in a while. Hmm.. wishing for the impossible.
I want to keep this person in good thoughts.. And I know I hurt myself too much, and it spoils it. I feel totally numb and scared and hurt - even angry. And I have no reason to be.
Posted by Tamar on May 15, 2005, at 17:16:14
In reply to Re: Do any of you block your T or ex T out? » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on May 15, 2005, at 16:58:10
I know what you mean about spoiling the good feelings with anger. But very often anger is a normal part of grief. Often bereaved people feel angry at the person who died - because the dead person has gone away and it feels like abandonment. It isn't wrong to feel anger, even if the person hasn't actually intended to hurt you.
But if you allow yourself to be angry you will come through those feelings and begin to accept the loss. And the feelings of love come back after anger. The anger doesn't destroy the love.
Your ex-T sounds like a great person. No wonder you still miss him. And no wonder you feel hurt at losing him. It's OK, though, to feel angry sometimes. And the good memories will still be there afterwards.
Posted by pinkeye on May 15, 2005, at 17:19:12
In reply to Re: Do any of you block your T or ex T out? » pinkeye, posted by JenStar on May 15, 2005, at 16:48:47
Yeah.. I think what you are saying is right.
Only thing I don't understand is how could my ex T terminate me like that? A mail one day and then stop all contact?I used to think he was a pretty sensible person, but I didn't like the way he terminated me. He could have given me some forewarning, or did a little gradual termination.
This abrupt out-of-the-blue mail one day and stop writing was really hard to take. But maybe I am the one to blame. Maybe I was abusing the privilege too much and he got fed up.
As to your question about how it might affect me in the future - I don't know. Many of what I felt was my transference, and now I know it was a lot and lot of transference on my part. So I am beginning to re-think what I used to feel about him. I mean, if it was really about my relationship with my dad and not about him, how valid could that be?
But I know basically he is a nice guy, very sensible, and had lot of common sense. And he wanted to help others. He could have afforded to have been a complete jerk. But he put in efforts to make something real nice out of himself and I apreciate it a lot. If I were in his position, I wonder if I would have even studied beyong my 12 th grade.
Posted by pinkeye on May 15, 2005, at 17:34:46
In reply to Re: Do any of you block your T or ex T out? » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on May 15, 2005, at 17:16:14
Tamar, I think what you have said is extremely important to me. I never allow myself to feel anger - I just realized it. Because I am afraid.
And I think I bottle it all in. Maybe if I did what you have suggested, maybe I would have gotten it out, and maybe the real feelings would have still remained. I remember I blocked lot of stuff from my childhood, and even pretty much in adult hood. If it hurts me, I kind of block it out - not fully perhaps, but a good exten, and I think that is perhaps why it takes a long long time for me to make peace with anything.> I know what you mean about spoiling the good feelings with anger. But very often anger is a normal part of grief. Often bereaved people feel angry at the person who died - because the dead person has gone away and it feels like abandonment. It isn't wrong to feel anger, even if the person hasn't actually intended to hurt you.
>
> But if you allow yourself to be angry you will come through those feelings and begin to accept the loss. And the feelings of love come back after anger. The anger doesn't destroy the love.
>
> Your ex-T sounds like a great person. No wonder you still miss him. And no wonder you feel hurt at losing him. It's OK, though, to feel angry sometimes. And the good memories will still be there afterwards.He is a very nice person. I think he is a little bit like my father - little angry, and less emotional, and very non religious, and wanting to do good for the society but not having too much of a clue how to really do good. But I feel if he becomes slightly more religious, and soft, and more emotionally aware, then he will really shine - I so desperately want him not to end up like my father. I really feel like sending him a mail one day, pointing out some of the mistakes that I thought he was making. But I think it is perhaps my projection.
Posted by Tamar on May 15, 2005, at 18:33:06
In reply to Re: Do any of you block your T or ex T out? » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on May 15, 2005, at 17:34:46
> Tamar, I think what you have said is extremely important to me. I never allow myself to feel anger - I just realized it. Because I am afraid.
> And I think I bottle it all in. Maybe if I did what you have suggested, maybe I would have gotten it out, and maybe the real feelings would have still remained. I remember I blocked lot of stuff from my childhood, and even pretty much in adult hood. If it hurts me, I kind of block it out - not fully perhaps, but a good exten, and I think that is perhaps why it takes a long long time for me to make peace with anything.
Well, maybe it's something you can talk about with your T, as she's trying to encourage you to feel angry.> He is a very nice person. I think he is a little bit like my father - little angry, and less emotional, and very non religious, and wanting to do good for the society but not having too much of a clue how to really do good. But I feel if he becomes slightly more religious, and soft, and more emotionally aware, then he will really shine - I so desperately want him not to end up like my father. I really feel like sending him a mail one day, pointing out some of the mistakes that I thought he was making. But I think it is perhaps my projection.
It might be something like projection, since you say you don't want him to end up like your father. But I think he is probably different from your father in some important ways. And maybe that will keep him from becoming like your father. What do you think?
Posted by pinkeye on May 15, 2005, at 18:53:35
In reply to Re: Do any of you block your T or ex T out? » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on May 15, 2005, at 18:33:06
> Well, maybe it's something you can talk about with your T, as she's trying to encourage you to feel angry.
Yeah.. that is what has been the main focus of therapy so long. To feel angry at my dad.
> > It might be something like projection, since you say you don't want him to end up like your father. But I think he is probably different from your father in some important ways. And maybe that will keep him from becoming like your father. What do you think?
>
It is actually pretty funny how much I projected on to him.Many times, I used to think he would be angry at me for my arthritis pain.. just like my dad was angry at my mom for her pain. I kept feeling that he would tell me it is all my fault - that I had arthritis.
I used to be also very scared of him.. Somehow kept thinking that he will scold me a lot - even when he didn't show any intention of it.
And I used to think he will tell me to cut the crap - don't talk about emotions, just do things.
And I actually used to feel sorry for his wife sometime.. I used to wonder how he would treat his wife.. if he would be scolding her, not understanding her, he would make her do stuff she didn't want to.
I even used to feel scared for him - that he would end up becoming poor.
I think pretty much recreated everything about my father.
But in my rational mind, I know it is not like that.. But sometimes, especially before termination and before I understood my projection, I used to feel he is exactly like my father many times.
Now I understand more.
This is the end of the thread.
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