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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Shortelise on September 2, 2006, at 13:00:39
An old friend, a 48 year old woman I've known for 25 years, is dying very quickly of a nasty, fast growing cancer. Treatment has not been effective.
Tomorrow, I am going to the city where she lives to spend a week with her. She's in hospital, and I don't know if she has a week to live or 6 months, though I suspect it's a very short time.
I've read Elizabeth Kubler Ross's "On death and Dying" and some things from Buddhism, but I was hoping that you might pass on some ideas and insights you might have about being with someone who is dying.
No thought is too small, no idea insignifigant. I welcome anything anyone has to say.
Thanks very much
Shortelise
Posted by Pfinstegg on September 2, 2006, at 20:52:32
In reply to friend dying, posted by Shortelise on September 2, 2006, at 13:00:39
Something I found really valuable when I was doing my (medical) internship was to just ask people who were dying about the happiest and most meaningful moments of their lives. They almost always were able to talk about wonderful moments with other people, things they had loved or found beautiful, personal challenges they were proud to have overcome- anything which was validating to them, and helped them to feel that their lives had contained joy and meaning. Twice, patients were able to continue sharing these memories happily until the moment they died. One even said, just as she died, "I'm so happy!"
Another very comforting thing can be to give a massage. Sometimes very ill patients have been starved of human touch for a long time just by being in the hospital. It can be done as just rubbing lotion onto dry skin- that way, it doesn't seem intrusive.
Just the fact of your going will be experienced as so validating and loving by her.
Posted by annierose on September 2, 2006, at 22:25:57
In reply to Re: friend dying » Shortelise, posted by Pfinstegg on September 2, 2006, at 20:52:32
I'm sorry your friend is so ill. And I love phinstegg's suggestions too. Just being there is the same room is comforting. Remember your presence carries the most meaning. I'll never forget a nurse that held my hand during a surgery. I was so scared; I held her hand the entire time. So if words don't come easily to you, holding her hand would be nice.
I'm sorry your visit back to the board is under sad circumstances. But happy to hear that your relationship with your t is a different kind of wonderful now.
Posted by Shortelise on September 3, 2006, at 4:17:46
In reply to Re: friend dying » Shortelise, posted by Pfinstegg on September 2, 2006, at 20:52:32
Thanks so much. I intend to give her massages and told her I would - if she wants.
I am afraid. She got sick only six weeks ago, and I know she will have changed so drastically. I do not want the shock and fear to show in my face, and I have been practicing in the mirror.
I cannot do anything but be there. Listen, hold her hand, but that's just what I'll do. Thanks.
Posted by Shortelise on September 3, 2006, at 4:20:25
In reply to Re: friend dying, posted by annierose on September 2, 2006, at 22:25:57
My husband tells of being injured in a car accident and how a man stood with his hand on his shoulder while they waited for an ambulance. My husband says that hand made all the difference to him.
Thanks
ShortE
Posted by Pfinstegg on September 3, 2006, at 11:09:49
In reply to Re: friend dying » Pfinstegg, posted by Shortelise on September 3, 2006, at 4:17:46
If she has changed a lot in her appearance, it can be very hard not to react with shock. I recall the rare times my T has had tears in his eyes; it was always a very moving, powerful moment for us both. It made me know that he really cared. If that happens to you, she will understand it in the same way.
She'll probably spend quite a bit of time napping, and sometimes may want to just be quiet in your presence. Bringing CD's to play during those times can be good.
I'm so glad to hear how well your therapy is turning out. It's great that you have so much less anxiety! Mine is going well, also.
Posted by Racer on September 3, 2006, at 12:43:23
In reply to Re: friend dying » Pfinstegg, posted by Shortelise on September 3, 2006, at 4:17:46
Don't worry too much if she sees the shock in her face -- she'll know how much she's changed, and that you can't help but be shocked by it. It's better, in my limited experience, to be genuine, which might mean telling her that the change does shock you, and sadden you.
My other piece of advice is to listen if she wants to talk about dying. Don't try to make it more cheerful with talk of an afterlife, or offer any comfort that she doesn't ask for. Just listen to her experience. Let her tell you about her fears. If there's something that you can help with, offer to do so -- if there is paperwork that needs to be done, or a diary she wants hidden, that sort of thing. But otherwise, let her ask if there's something she wants you to do. (You'll know if she's asking, without using those words, I suspect.)
Also, don't be afraid to talk about great memories together, or to let her know how much you'll miss her. She knows she's dying, and she may want to know that she's not the only one to regret that. Let her take the lead on it.
Read to her. Touch her. Be silent with her. Just be with her.
I'm sorry for your impending loss, but glad you'll have time with her before she goes. That's something many of us don't get, and something priceless.
Posted by Pfinstegg on September 5, 2006, at 2:16:41
In reply to Re: friend dying » Pfinstegg, posted by Shortelise on September 3, 2006, at 4:17:46
Will you let us know how it went when you get back?
Posted by brighteyes on September 6, 2006, at 22:55:19
In reply to friend dying, posted by Shortelise on September 2, 2006, at 13:00:39
i watched as my older sister struggled through first luekemia and then 4 years later, a brain tumour that ended her life. funny how people mentioned massages because one of the greatest times i spent with her was right before bed. i would go into her room to say goodnight and maybe if i was lucky i could sit down and talk to her and rub lotion on her feet.
i can relate to changes in appearance, my sister was on steroids that puffed up her face and body. i look at pictures of her before the tumour was diagnosed and she looks like two different people. but i guaruntee that within minutes of talking with her all things physical will cease to matter - and you'll see your friend for her personality, grace, and strength. not for her lack of hair or frailty. it is hard. and i found it scary - seeing my older sister at the mercy of chemotherapy. but my sisters death was blessed with the fact that she was at home, in her oown bed, surrounded by her family and friends. and like a previous post mentioned, the fact that you have the gift of time (no matter how short) is an amazing thing. dont be scared to talk about her death. perhaps she will have her own insights that will give you some peace after she passes away. i hope your visit is a gift and an experience that you will treasure forever in your friend's memory.
Posted by Shortelise on September 8, 2006, at 19:31:02
In reply to Re: friend dying, posted by brighteyes on September 6, 2006, at 22:55:19
Thanks everyone. It was ok.
ShortE
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