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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by 10derHeart on January 1, 2006, at 19:01:37
....'here' is where it feels like family.
My father passed away yesterday, about 6:30 EST, I'm told. He was 80 years, 11 months, 2 days old. I think he wanted very much to not see that 81st birthday, or 2006 for that matter. <sigh>
He lives...uh...lived... on the East coast, and my daughter and I had spoken to him at length on Christmas Day. Didn't sound great, but not terrible either. Assisted living kitchen's food was bad, the lamp in his room wasn't working right, some usual physical issues, maybe a little worse, but he still chattered on (for an introvert) and even asked me to mail him something. My daughter, though, when she hung up said, "Mom, I don't care if he jokeed, or chattered, something's not right. He's not enjoying much of anything. I didn't like that phone call."
That was Sunday. So by Wednesday evening, he'd been taken to the ER with a severe bladder infection, dx as severely depressed and had been refusing to eat or take any meds for 2-3 days. He insisted to my 84 year old uncle that he, "do something," and "pull the plug, etc. Or get my daughter here so she can do it." I'm told he couldn't understand that since his condition wasn't requiring any life support (only some oxygen for COPD he's had for years, and IV antibiotics) there was (not to be crass, sorry everyone) no 'plug' to pull. It was very stressful for my uncle and other cousins. Not to mention the little fact he was still lucid enough of the time to say *exactly* what his own wishes were.
So they admitted him, and the docs said we'll wait and see about his nutrition and mental state, a few days. About 2.5, it turns out, was all Dad was going to stand for any of this.
Relatives emailed/called me early Friday morning and then on Saturday. (Dad always begged them not to "bother" me too soon - demanded it, really)
We were in the midst of discussing when/if I should come, as similar things had come up before where he snaps back and tells me not to....when I got the final call.Apparently, the doc and nurses were "stunned" as there was no specific medical reason for his death. Wonder what the certificate will say...."pt. decided and willed himself away.." ??? I kinda feel sorry for the medical folks, as I'm sure they were doing things right. He just was tired of it all and wanted to go. His quality of life was shrinking down....legally blind, spotty hearing, confined mostly to a wheelchair, chronic bowel/urinary issues, COPD, mild MS, etc.
So, my daughter and I are somewhat relieved. Me, I think I'm in executive mode right now. My daughter just sleeps and mopes around. She hadn't seen her Grandpa for about 2.5 years, and she feels awful to have not said goodbye in person. Odd how this seems much worse for her. I suppose my grief will do as it will, when it will.
We'll be flying there Wednesday. Funeral will likely be Friday, but they're expecting a storm, so....?
I emailed my T. within an hour after getting the news. I expect he'll answer later tonight, maybe early tomorrow. I just want to talk to him sometime. More than anything. More than anyone. Is that weird or awful? 'cept for my daughter, I'm not close with one person I'll have to spend time with for a week. I'm just not. I can be civil and that's it. Not bad people, just don't know them and see them like once a year.
And I won't even get started on the fact the last funeral I ever attended was my mother's, same funeral home, 26.5 years ago. No, I won't start imagining how that's going to be...
Guess it'll all hit like a ton of bricks when I get there. Away from my T. Away from my real friends. Maybe even away from Babble (they have internet, but....long story)
Oh, well. I knew this could happen any time. And I must be the adult. It's just feeling awfully odd so far. Detached. That's okay, though, right? I loved my dad.
Posted by Susan47 on January 1, 2006, at 19:01:37
In reply to this doesn't belong here, but....(**grief trigger*, posted by 10derHeart on January 1, 2006, at 18:14:16
Make an appointment with your T for getting back for sure, even if you can't get in before you go, and let go of your grief when you're ready, executive mode is a good one when you need it.
(((10derHeart))) take care
Posted by 10derHeart on January 1, 2006, at 19:01:37
In reply to Re: this doesn't belong here, but....(**grief trigger*, posted by Susan47 on January 1, 2006, at 18:28:26
You read my mind. And I'm so, so blessed, 'cause as a long-term client, I get priority. He'll get me in, I'm 98% sure. If he doesn't call/email by noon tomorrow, I'll leave a voicemail telling him when I can come in when I get back. It'll have been 11 days by then, and I'll be starving for therapy...
Thanks, suze. That hug felt just right, too.
(ps: Sorry you're still hurting re: ex-T. Da*n the way he was with you, ya' know? you take care, too)
Posted by Voce on January 1, 2006, at 19:18:19
In reply to Re: this doesn't belong here, but....(**grief trig » Susan47, posted by 10derHeart on January 1, 2006, at 18:43:29
10der, I'm sorry. I'm writing you an e-mail momentarily.
(((10der)))
Voce
Posted by fallsfall on January 1, 2006, at 19:21:45
In reply to this doesn't belong here, but....(**grief trigger*, posted by 10derHeart on January 1, 2006, at 18:14:16
Whatever you are feeling is right.
It sounds like you are numb, like the reality hasn't hit you, and that is OK. You love your dad. That makes you lucky and him lucky, too.
I hope that your family can give you the support you need to get through the funeral. Will your daughter be going with you? She sounds very in-tune both with you and with her grandfather.
I'm really sorry that he is gone, while you still want him to be here.
While you are away, go find a public library and use a computer there. That way you don't have to worry about them reading Babble etc. We'll be here.
(((((10derHeart)))))
Be gentle with yourself.
Posted by Dinah on January 1, 2006, at 20:07:51
In reply to this doesn't belong here, but....(**grief trigger*, posted by 10derHeart on January 1, 2006, at 18:14:16
I'm so sorry, 10der. Having to be the adult is rotten.
Executive mode isn't so bad for the short term, and hopefully you'll be able to process the grief when it's safe to do so. I hope you're able to squeeze in an appointment with your therapist.
((((10der))))
Posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2006, at 20:53:14
In reply to this doesn't belong here, but....(**grief trigger*, posted by 10derHeart on January 1, 2006, at 18:14:16
(((((((((((((((((((10)))))))))))))))))))
i'm sorry sweetie :-(
Posted by crazy teresa on January 1, 2006, at 23:32:59
In reply to Re: this doesn't belong here, but....(**grief trig, posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2006, at 20:53:14
Posted by sleepygirl on January 1, 2006, at 23:43:50
In reply to this doesn't belong here, but....(**grief trigger*, posted by 10derHeart on January 1, 2006, at 18:14:16
I am so sorry 10der for your loss. It is never easy to lose someone even if they have lived a long life as your dad did.
I imagine it was painful for you to know that he was depressed. Many people in their last years suffer in such ways and don't we wish we could save them from it. The mind and body are absolutely inseparable, and sometimes they follow the surrender of the other.I suppose many feelings at this time are going on for you, and it will take some time to sort them out (and so you just try to do the "adult" things necessary, in "executive mode" as you say).
I sort of think of the funeral and associated gatherings as the things you "do" to contain the "feelings"-but the doing and the feelings can feel oddly disconnected when things are fresh, and the reality hard to come to terms with.
Again, I'm sorry for your loss. Take it easy on yourself.
-all the best,
sleepygirl
Posted by LadyBug on January 2, 2006, at 0:07:03
In reply to this doesn't belong here, but....(**grief trigger*, posted by 10derHeart on January 1, 2006, at 18:14:16
Here's a gentle hug coming to you (((10derHeart)))
I'm so sorry for your loss. My parents are that age too and every time I see them I think it might be the last this or that. I'm glad you got to talk to him on Christmas Day. May you have him in your heart and thoughts forever. May you be comforted at this time in you loss. Let us be here for you too.
Bless you and your daughter always and forever,
LadyBug
Posted by JenStar on January 2, 2006, at 0:10:39
In reply to this doesn't belong here, but....(**grief trigger*, posted by 10derHeart on January 1, 2006, at 18:14:16
hi 10der,
I'm so sorry for your loss! I hope you and your daughter are OK through this, and that the trip goes as well as it possibly can given the circumstances. I'm wishing you strength and peace and happy memories.take care,
JenStar
Posted by daisym on January 2, 2006, at 1:59:47
In reply to this doesn't belong here, but....(**grief trigger*, posted by 10derHeart on January 1, 2006, at 18:14:16
I'm so sorry for your loss Tender. It is hard to lose a parent, especially unexpectedly. Seems you've been down this road before. I felt so sad for the little girl who whispered "I loved my dad." I'm sure you did, and he you.
I'll pray for you during this difficult time and ask God to hold you close and watch over you. You are in my thoughts.
((((Tenderheart)))
Posted by gardenergirl on January 2, 2006, at 7:46:58
In reply to this doesn't belong here, but....(**grief trigger*, posted by 10derHeart on January 1, 2006, at 18:14:16
> ....'here' is where it feels like family.
>
> My father passed away yesterday, about 6:30 EST, I'm told. He was 80 years, 11 months, 2 days old. I think he wanted very much to not see that 81st birthday, or 2006 for that matter. <sigh>Oh, I'm so sorry. So many emotions and thoughts seem to swirl around at a time like this.
Tender hugs for you whenever needed, because they are very needed. Or if not a hugger, definitely a show of caring and support.
>
> My daughter, though, when she hung up said, "Mom, I don't care if he jokeed, or chattered, something's not right. He's not enjoying much of anything. I didn't like that phone call."It sounds like your daughter has inherited your sensitivity and intuition.
>
> That was Sunday. So by Wednesday evening, he'd been taken to the ER with a severe bladder infection, dx as severely depressed and had been refusing to eat or take any meds for 2-3 days. He insisted to my 84 year old uncle that he, "do something," and "pull the plug, etc. Or get my daughter here so she can do it." I'm told he couldn't understand that since his condition wasn't requiring any life support (only some oxygen for COPD he's had for years, and IV antibiotics) there was (not to be crass, sorry everyone) no 'plug' to pull. It was very stressful for my uncle and other cousins. Not to mention the little fact he was still lucid enough of the time to say *exactly* what his own wishes were.That is so stressful. I'm glad he was very clear on his desires, but it's so hard for the others to hear, I think. I know my dad and his brothers had a hard time when my grandmother took a very similar approach.
(((((10der and her family)))))))
>
> > Relatives emailed/called me early Friday morning and then on Saturday. (Dad always begged them not to "bother" me too soon - demanded it, really)Oh my, this sounds so familiar. It's hard getting the news a bit later, I think..
> We were in the midst of discussing when/if I should come, as similar things had come up before where he snaps back and tells me not to....when I got the final call.
Such a difficult thing to decide and to plan logistically. I'm sorry you didn't get to say goodbye in person. I'm very glad you had that long conversation over Christmas.
>
>He just was tired of it all and wanted to go. His quality of life was shrinking down....legally blind, spotty hearing, confined mostly to a wheelchair, chronic bowel/urinary issues, COPD, mild MS, etc.That's where my grandma was, too. I think she held on for the family wedding recently and then was ready.
>
> So, my daughter and I are somewhat relieved. Me, I think I'm in executive mode right now. My daughter just sleeps and mopes around. She hadn't seen her Grandpa for about 2.5 years, and she feels awful to have not said goodbye in person. Odd how this seems much worse for her. I suppose my grief will do as it will, when it will.Oh 10der. I know the executive mode. And it's a good way to keep grief at bay. But please, I just learned, please give yourself some time to feel and to be comforted, too. You all need it, in whatever way seems right for each of you.
Take extra gentle care of yourself right now.
>
> We'll be flying there Wednesday. Funeral will likely be Friday, but they're expecting a storm, so....?I'll be thinking of you. Safe journey.
>
> I emailed my T. within an hour after getting the news. I expect he'll answer later tonight, maybe early tomorrow. I just want to talk to him sometime. More than anything. More than anyone. Is that weird or awful?Not at all. I wanted to email my T when my grandmother died, but I didn't think he would get it til today, anyway. And I guess I also was in the "I should be able to deal with it til I see him again" mode. Now that's silly, I think.
>'cept for my daughter, I'm not close with one person I'll have to spend time with for a week. I'm just not. I can be civil and that's it. Not bad people, just don't know them and see them like once a year.
I'm glad you have your daughter. :)
>
> Oh, well. I knew this could happen any time. And I must be the adult. It's just feeling awfully odd so far. Detached. That's okay, though, right? I loved my dad.
Sounds perfectly normal given what's happened.(((((((10derheart))))))))))
gg
Posted by Larry Hoover on January 2, 2006, at 23:11:32
In reply to this doesn't belong here, but....(**grief trigger*, posted by 10derHeart on January 1, 2006, at 18:14:16
> ....'here' is where it feels like family.
>
> My father passed away yesterday, about 6:30 EST, I'm told. He was 80 years, 11 months, 2 days old. I think he wanted very much to not see that 81st birthday, or 2006 for that matter. <sigh>I'm so sorry for you loss.
I have a BearHug® for you.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{10derHeart}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Lean on me/us.
Lar
Posted by ClearSkies on January 3, 2006, at 0:36:19
In reply to Redirect: My father passed away yesterday, posted by Dr. Bob on January 1, 2006, at 19:11:28
10der, I'm so very sorry for this sudden loss. My ex mother in law decided when it was time for her to pass as well. She was not on any life support either; required assistance with eating and getting dressed, but resisted neither. She was plain fed up with struggling and having her quality of life steadily diminish.
Imagine what a blessing it must be to make up your mind and be able to have your body obey your wish. May we all be able to make this choice for ourselves.
With most loving hugs, I wish you much peace
ClearSkies
Posted by ghostshadow on January 3, 2006, at 0:36:19
In reply to this doesn't belong here, but....(**grief trigger*, posted by 10derHeart on January 1, 2006, at 18:14:16
i don't really know what to say that might not ring hollow to you. i AM sorry for your loss - i lost my mother 25.5 years ago. decided not to see his next birthday or the new year? i grew up with my mother always saying she would never see 40. she was 39 years, 9 months and 10 days. not so close as your father, but maybe she REALLY needed to make sure. cancer is what got her. i was 18 and had only graduated high school a little over a month before. funny thing is, to this day mostly sometimes i feel anger toward her... (and dream not that she died, but that it was a ruse so she could start a new life without my siter and me.) sorry, didn't mean to talk about me. the feelings will come, and when they do don't be surprised if they may seem inappropriate. you may be lucky and feel only (yeh, ONLY) grief, but there may also be anger or anything else. they may hit at the funeral, or not until everything is done and you're home again. my thoughts are with you and your daughter...
Posted by Damos on January 3, 2006, at 15:35:37
In reply to this doesn't belong here, but....(**grief trigger*, posted by 10derHeart on January 1, 2006, at 18:14:16
Dearest 10der, my heart goes out to you, your daughter and family. I'm sorry. I hope you know that wherever you are we are all there with you taking turns to just sit with you and hold your hand or wrap our loving arms around you.
(((((((((10der))))))))))
Posted by wildcard on January 9, 2006, at 6:13:58
In reply to this doesn't belong here, but....(**grief trigger*, posted by 10derHeart on January 1, 2006, at 18:14:16
I'm thinking of you and your family during this time.
Posted by sabrina0805 on January 11, 2006, at 13:31:02
In reply to this doesn't belong here, but....(**grief trigger*, posted by 10derHeart on January 1, 2006, at 18:14:16
I am so sorry I did not read your post sooner. I remember my Dad's passing a little more than a year ago, and which I wrote so much about on babble, as if it were yesterday. I was so confused by my "detached" yet raw and sore feelings.
My thoughts and prayers are with you 10derHeart. I wish you much strength.
Sabrina
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