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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Klokka on August 17, 2004, at 9:10:18
I don't even know what to say. My dad woke me up an hour ago now, saying the cat was a little sick and needed to go to the vet for a checkup. I got up and got dressed, and before I know it my mom's picking us up to take him there. I should've known right then that she was doing what she's wanted to do all along. "When are we seeing the vet?" I asked. "He's staying there. I'm sick of playing games and spending money, enough is enough." I left my only family (yeah, melodramatic, but it seems that way) at that clinic. She didn't even have the decency to schedule an appointment so that I could be there with him when he died! She yelled at me for suggesting it; if she was really cold, she would've "talked to the SPCA and had them take care of him." And she wonders why I never talk to her! He's still there now, probably, scared to death and waiting for his. And I can't comfort him anymore. He knew something was wrong - he cried his lungs out on the drive there. He hasn't done that in years.
I expected him to come to the stairs to greet me when I got back, like he always does, and it didn't. I keep expecting to turn around and see him napping on my bed, or to hear him chasing a ball of paper down the hall, but all I have now is the towel I wrapped him in on the drive down and the sound of my sobbing. I can't even get some tea or water because I remember how he'd try and share those drinks from time to time. I hate myself for not being there for him. He must be so scared now. I hate myself for not waking up to an alarm this morning so I could be there for his last hours here. I'm never going to see him again. I don't know what to do. This hurts too much... and I have to pull myself together. School waits for no one. And I have to see her face every day for the next year, at least. I said some horrible things to her, and I meant them all. I hate myself for that too. I hate myself for letting them do this to him. He was healthy, apart from a few problems here and there! For crying out loud, my parents are sicker than he is. What does she think she's trying to teach me, that life is disposable? I hate myself for crying in front of them. I hate myself for ever bringing him into this family in the first place. I should've known how they'd declaw him and then hit him when he bit out of fear, I should've known they'd neglect his medical needs and then kill him for being a little sick. I was a stupid child then, but I should've known. It was that obvious. I hate myself for all of this.
I just don't know what to do right now. I'm going to schedule an appointment with the T covering for my pdoc (he's on vacation 'til the 7th... go figure) and then... I don't know. Maybe I'm just weak, but this hurts too much and nobody's there right now. I don't even know if I want them to be... then I'd just care more, and everyone I've ever cared about has gone or is doomed to go away. I can't see through this right now.
Posted by Shar on August 20, 2004, at 0:30:20
In reply to My cat (long, ranty), posted by Klokka on August 17, 2004, at 9:10:18
K,
You have my deepest sympathy. I hope that you get a chance to say a sweet goodbye to your cat.First, though, you should not blame yourself. He was obviously loved by you, and had a good life, it seems.
I'm very sorry for your loss. Please don't hesitate to write more here.
Shar
Posted by Klokka on August 21, 2004, at 0:50:05
In reply to Re: My cat (long, ranty) » Klokka, posted by Shar on August 20, 2004, at 0:30:20
Thanks so much for posting. I wish I knew how to say goodbye to him... the last I saw, he was terrified, being carried to the clinic basement to wait for who knows how long? I never even really said goodbye in the minute or so before they took him... "I love you, boy; I'm sorry" is as far as I got. My mom was standing at the cash with this smirk on her face... it was so distracting. He looked so scared when the assistant took him from my arms. I didn't put up a fight because I knew that it would happen with or without my cooperation - and a fight would only make his last hours more scary. I wonder if he understood at all that I desperately hated what they were doing, that if I were able I would've taken proper care of him and not neglected his medical needs and protected him from their games? It must've seemed like such a betrayal, otherwise. I can't help replaying that morning in my head... why didn't I listen to my instincts when I stumbled into the bathroom (they put him there so he wouldn't make a mess elsewhere or something) after waking up and thought immediately "I'm going to lose him?" Maybe I could have stopped it then. It breaks my heart to think that I spent so much of that time just messing around online, in denial about the alarm signals going off everywhere. When he was let out of the bathroom, he came to my room and tried to hide in the little space under my desk and behind a small filing cabinet. Why didn't I let him?
Why didn't I do the dishes right when asked the night before? Maybe it pushed my mom over the edge. She's been threatening me all my life - if I wasn't good, I'd be taken away, I'd lose her, I wouldn't be loved - and when that stopped working, she threatened to have my cat put down, because she saw that it was the easiest (and, eventually, only as far as they were concerned) way to really hurt me. I've been fighting against the love of money and convenience I've been demanded to accept, and... she won. She got her way. I lost her too, in a major way. How can I even begin to love and depend on her as my mother when she deliberately (and she's explicitly told me so) did such a thing? I don't know how to make sense of this. Probably best to try for some sleep now. I haven't had more than an hour or two per night since... and I imagine that can't help.
Posted by AuntieMel on August 21, 2004, at 1:53:00
In reply to Re: My cat (long, ranty), posted by Klokka on August 21, 2004, at 0:50:05
I can't even imagine. My kitties are like my children, except they don't have tantrums. When I was a teenager, my siamese *was* my only family. He knew when I was upset (so, very often) and would get right up in my face to cheer me up. When he died 21 years ago of kidney failure at the age of 13, I wailed in the shower for hours. I still miss him.
Is there a way you can get closure? I would suggest talking to the vet. So what if you lose it. This is to help you, not the vet.
He knew you loved him and knows you still do. Cat's have a psychic ability for that, I believe. I'm always amazed at how they can sense things.
In the past few years I've lost two kitties to old age and the 'pink stuff.' I held both of them as they went off. It wasn't nearly as bad as I was afraid. I've always heard it is painless, but now I *know* it is. But I won't give you the details unless you ask for them.
Pardon me for the ignorance, but how does your dad fit into all of this?
Posted by Klokka on September 4, 2004, at 15:56:45
In reply to Re: My cat (long, ranty) » Klokka, posted by AuntieMel on August 21, 2004, at 1:53:00
Hi, and thanks for posting. Sorry for the delay; it's been very hard to post lately, though I'm not entirely sure why.
I still might consider calling the vet. It's just hard because he never really acknowledged that I was there, I was kept completely out of this whole affair (except for being fooled into bringing him in) so it feels almost as if he's sided completely with my mother and therefore unsafe to talk to. Then again, I still find myself wanting closure, so it might be helpful. Maybe hearing the details would help a bit. If you're up to posting them, I'd really appreciate that.
I'm not even sure I know how my dad fits into this myself. He may have lied to me that morning about it being a "checkup" or that may really have been what he was told. He insists he didn't know; my mom swears up and down she told him what she was doing. (And it turns out that she didn't even call the vet to see what could be done. I found out that she called him right away to put him down, no questions asked. She didn't even try, not one bit!) He obviously knew when I got back - if he didn't know before, the hysterical sobbing was a pretty big clue - but I don't know about before. He was gentle about it for the first day and then berated me for not acting close with my mom. It doesn't hurt as much, though, because he's always been full of rage and cruel words and I never had any closeness with him like with my mother. He may have played a role in driving my mother to do this, unwittingly, but I don't really know.
Posted by artemiss on September 20, 2004, at 18:17:05
In reply to Re: My cat (long, ranty), posted by Klokka on September 4, 2004, at 15:56:45
Oh, I read your story about your poor kitty cat. I'm so sorry for your loss. It just breaks my heart. I was there when you described the vet assistant taking the cat from your arms, and your mother yelling that she was sick of how sick the cat was. That is so heartbreaking when your parent doesn't recognize animals as living beings that deserve just as much respect as humans do. And to think she had your cat put down just to hurt you, as a punishment. Your mother sounds very abusive, threatening to even get rid of you, or that you wouldn't be loved!
My parents were never good with animals either. They just see them as bugs, not important, without feelings or importance. I remember my mother had our cat(s) put down when I was a child because the female kept having kittens, and the male would fight all the time, and our dog would kill the kittens. If my parents had the cats spayed and neutered, there wouldn't be a problem. So many pets suffer because of the ignorance of bad pet owners.
Now I have my own cat, and it's so nice that she is away from the rest of my family who would just torture her. Most of my family hate and disrespect pets, which drives me crazy. They all have children, and I don't disrespect their babies!
I'm sorry for your loss, and that you don't have the support you need around you. Someday you'll live on your own and will be able to do things without your mother hurting your life.
Artemis
Posted by Klokka on September 20, 2004, at 21:55:33
In reply to Re: My cat (long, ranty) » Klokka, posted by artemiss on September 20, 2004, at 18:17:05
Artemis,
Thank you for the kind words. I can't believe it's been over a month since all of this happened. The grief, when not hushed by the stress of everyday life, is just as fresh now. I still find myself looking for him, expecting to see him when I walk in the door... it's been especially rough now that depression's kicking in for the winter, because I turned to him for comfort far more than I realized. I'm still haunted by the memories... and by the dreams which came before it. My pdoc asked me to record my dreams over the break so we could discuss them later, and I was just reading them over... the role my mother plays in the two I wrote down, in light of what happened just days later, is eerie. And the dreams after have been awful. I'll dream he's somehow alive, my parents just took him away for a little while as punishment but it was okay now... and when I realize I'm dreaming don't have the logic to grasp that maybe what I'm dreaming isn't true, so I wake up foolishly expecting to see him curled up on my bed. When I'm more detached I can remember more fondly, but everything I look back on is so tainted by the circumstance of his death. It didn't have to happen!
It's sad to hear when animals are thrown away like that, especially when the cause of the problem is inaction on the part of people anyway. I can appreciate the feeling of being glad your cat is away from family who would harm her. I'm approaching the age where I could move out, and I remember thinking for weeks before what happened about how I might justify and manage taking my cat with me when I left. I felt more certain that I wanted to take him with me, when in thinking over it before, I thought I could handle either situation. I remember his last vet visit just two weeks before, for allergies... he was changing his diet, for crying out loud, how could they condemn him for normal digestive upset? Maybe I changed the food too fast, maybe -I- condemned him. I remember the hope that he would get better, have a few more good years ahead of him, preparing myself for the possibility of him needing medication if his weight wasn't reduced, thinking of ways to pay if my parents refused... vain hope. Is that all there is?
Wow, I wasn't expecting tovent like that. It's really strange how suddenly this comes up. I think I need to bring this up again in therapy, at the beginning of the session before a topic more prone to make me too uncomfortable to be emotional comes up.
Posted by Crazy_Charlie on November 4, 2004, at 5:45:15
In reply to My cat (long, ranty), posted by Klokka on August 17, 2004, at 9:10:18
Dearest. I am a catlover of big dimensions, it hurts in my heart to read your story. I am so so sorry for your cat, and for you.
Good luck in the future, some day you will a cat again... and even though it wont be this one, it will remind you of the happy times with this cat.
Posted by jubilee on December 11, 2004, at 11:39:20
In reply to Re: My cat (long, ranty) » Klokka, posted by Shar on August 20, 2004, at 0:30:20
Not very good at looking for anything this morning.Especially babble board. Lost my 27 year old son on Feb 22nd. Couldnt eat yesterday in my grief , just have no appatite. Just sad and I thought I was pretty much through it all lately, and here comes my tears and sense of loss all over again.
I am a recovering Multiple Personality , merged finally and completely Aug 31,04 and there is different kind of merging going on. I am "one" but with constant new realizations though I think what I am feeling could be normal for anybody. A re-surge of , did this just happen , cause thats what it feels like , or just tired of missing him and I want him to come back now. No more pretending this will end . I am done with this grief crap now. Whats happening.
Also for those who have lost pets , the loss of my 7 years old service poodle would be no less a loss I feel , so I do identify with pets lost on this page. Any suggestions. Am I normal,? Does this get better. Im 52. I am a christian and I know he is asleep or with Christ but that doesnt fill this big empty hole. Help. Any suggestions? Jubilee.
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