Posted by Klokka on August 21, 2004, at 0:50:05
In reply to Re: My cat (long, ranty) » Klokka, posted by Shar on August 20, 2004, at 0:30:20
Thanks so much for posting. I wish I knew how to say goodbye to him... the last I saw, he was terrified, being carried to the clinic basement to wait for who knows how long? I never even really said goodbye in the minute or so before they took him... "I love you, boy; I'm sorry" is as far as I got. My mom was standing at the cash with this smirk on her face... it was so distracting. He looked so scared when the assistant took him from my arms. I didn't put up a fight because I knew that it would happen with or without my cooperation - and a fight would only make his last hours more scary. I wonder if he understood at all that I desperately hated what they were doing, that if I were able I would've taken proper care of him and not neglected his medical needs and protected him from their games? It must've seemed like such a betrayal, otherwise. I can't help replaying that morning in my head... why didn't I listen to my instincts when I stumbled into the bathroom (they put him there so he wouldn't make a mess elsewhere or something) after waking up and thought immediately "I'm going to lose him?" Maybe I could have stopped it then. It breaks my heart to think that I spent so much of that time just messing around online, in denial about the alarm signals going off everywhere. When he was let out of the bathroom, he came to my room and tried to hide in the little space under my desk and behind a small filing cabinet. Why didn't I let him?
Why didn't I do the dishes right when asked the night before? Maybe it pushed my mom over the edge. She's been threatening me all my life - if I wasn't good, I'd be taken away, I'd lose her, I wouldn't be loved - and when that stopped working, she threatened to have my cat put down, because she saw that it was the easiest (and, eventually, only as far as they were concerned) way to really hurt me. I've been fighting against the love of money and convenience I've been demanded to accept, and... she won. She got her way. I lost her too, in a major way. How can I even begin to love and depend on her as my mother when she deliberately (and she's explicitly told me so) did such a thing? I don't know how to make sense of this. Probably best to try for some sleep now. I haven't had more than an hour or two per night since... and I imagine that can't help.
poster:Klokka
thread:378586
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20040811/msgs/380237.html