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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by JF on September 5, 2004, at 0:25:17
On the night of August 18th, my father didn't come home from work. The next morning my mother and I found a suicide note in his den. Realizing what had happened sent me into shock. The day I found out, I was in tears and horribly depressed, but since then, I have been completely numb (Actually not completely, I have a general sense of unrest). Everytime I feel like I'm about to break down, I suddenly become numb again. I haven't been able to eat, and I've barely gotten any sleep, but i feel like I have to keep it together for my mother.
We have both seen alot of death. When I was 12, I lost 3 close family members. When I was 13, I lost 2 more. This made me terribly depressed and unable to function. Until I turned 18 (about a year and a half ago) I drowned my troubles with drugs. Honestly, I feel very tempter to get back on heroin right now, but I am confident that I wouln't.
Anyway, I really don't know what I should be feeling. I was closer to my dad than anybody else. I'd say closer than he was to my mom. I don't think I'm angry at him, in fact I don't think I've even accepted that it has happened. I would give anything to really feel something now. To cry and scream and some how move on. But I just feel stuck emotionally. Is this normal? What can I do to help move on?
Posted by Shar on September 5, 2004, at 1:22:49
In reply to Suicide, posted by JF on September 5, 2004, at 0:25:17
I'm so very sorry to hear about that. What a terrible shock and crisis that must be for you.
IF you decide it's time to 'feel' (I lost my dad at 14) you could think about the times (each and every time) that meant something special to you. Remember how he looked, what passed between you, how you felt, what you took away from the event.
If you feel you have to be strong for your mom (as did I) then, you could go somewhere alone and do your remembering.
The best way to honor his memory is to hold him in your heart, and then, in a way, he is never really gone. What would you have liked to say to him? What would you want him to know?
This is a hard business, you are so young, it is good you came here. I'm old now, and it took a long time for me to become more peaceable about my dad's death.
Please keep writing.
Shar
Posted by Jai Narayan on September 5, 2004, at 22:13:48
In reply to Suicide, posted by JF on September 5, 2004, at 0:25:17
Dear JF,
Do you mean this August 18th?
A couple of days ago?My goodness, that is so recent. I don't know how you cope.
I am so deeply sorry.
Death is such a mystery. When people take their own lives...it makes it worse...so much worse.
I am glad you have posted to this site.
What brought you to PB?
How can I give you solice? This is such a huge loss. I think it's normal to feel numb. I think it's actually healthy. It's just too much stress. We humans just can't take that much loss.
It's too painful.
Like Shar said....please keep posting to us. We are here. We do listen and care.
Your feelings are normal. Loss is hard. I can understand why you might want to escape but honestly your loss is real.
Sorry I can't help you more.
Remember we are here for you.
Posted by Sebastian on September 6, 2004, at 15:00:24
In reply to Suicide, posted by JF on September 5, 2004, at 0:25:17
Its normal. Thats what I have to deal with every day. My freind died 3 years ago. I was very emotional about it for the first 3 months, but I knew that I was only around people who would not understand, so I kept the fealings to myself. Later on I just felt cold and emotionless, I still do. I'm trying to deal with it now, but its not easy, no one cares. The problem is I have no emotional contact with anyone of the victims freinds. So for the last 3 years I've been taking more and more medicine. I was blamed by the locals and felt I had to move, so I did. No one was ever willing to talk about it. I feel lost, hopless, I hate myself, but I am blamed for it all. There is no emotional out for me. I don't even know why my freind died, I only saw it happen. Why were they on top of an oil tank? I don't know, but it blew up. What can I say, I have a huge emotional void.
Posted by Jai Narayan on September 7, 2004, at 18:42:44
In reply to Re: Suicide, posted by Sebastian on September 6, 2004, at 15:00:24
I remember your story...very haunting. Have you ever tried EMDR?
Trauma can be worked through with this form of therapy.
I haven't heard from you for a while. How are you?
It's good to hear from you.
Posted by JF on September 7, 2004, at 20:23:38
In reply to Re: Suicide, posted by Jai Narayan on September 7, 2004, at 18:42:44
> I remember your story...very haunting. Have you ever tried EMDR?
> Trauma can be worked through with this form of therapy.
> I haven't heard from you for a while. How are you?
> It's good to hear from you.I'm doing ok. Well, as okay as would be expected. I'm still feeling the same way as I posted in my first message. School started today, so hopefully it will serve as something to focus my mind on.
I've never heard of EMDR, I'm not even in couselling anymore. I stopped seeing my therapist a few weeks ago when I went in to talk about my dad and he was obviously under the influence of something. I'm not really sure if I want to go to a new therapist.
Anyway, I appreciate you checking up on me.
Thanks.
Posted by Jai Narayan on September 10, 2004, at 13:58:35
In reply to Re: Suicide, posted by JF on September 7, 2004, at 20:23:38
There is a post on the psychology page about EMDR you might find interesting.
I have used this therapy for 4 years and it has changed my life. I had gone through a lot of trauma in my childhood and all the talk therapy in the world wasn't going to change what a few years of EMDR did. I have been in therapy since I was a child.
being that I am now 56....
eventually I just wanted to cut to the chase. It's worth a look.
thinking about you.
Posted by nisha1 on September 26, 2004, at 22:14:58
In reply to Re: Suicide » JF, posted by Shar on September 5, 2004, at 1:22:49
JF,
I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my brother to suicide in March of 2000. His wife died by suicide 10 months before he did. He was very depressed and blamed himself for her actions. She was sick and depressed as well. They left 5 kids ages 9 thru 17.I also tried to hold it together for the sake of my parents and siblings. I ended up on my couch for 1 week and went to 3 doctors in less than 5 days. I was sick with grief. I remember thinking how I could hardly wait till 5 years from then. I figured the hurt would go away.
Well, its been 4 1/2 years and I still hurt, but I'm able to handle it better. I still think about him every day, but I don't cry everyday.
I've educated myself on suicide. I've learned that when a person is depressed, its not just a mental thing but also a physical thing. Physical things happen in our brains when we are depressed. I hope I make some sense here.Our brains stop producing as much serotonin and dopomine (I think thats how they are spelled) as it normally would. Also, our bodies can go to hell, as mine did. The above brain chemicals that I mentioned are our "feel good" chemicals. With low production, it makes us feel bad and we do things that we normally wouldn't do.
The reason I'm mentioning this is that I can't imagine anyone wanting to take their life unless they are feeling extremely bad.
You are so young and I wish you never had to experience such a painful thing. It helps to talk to others who have been thru this, and it helps to read up on suicide. Also, I prayed alot. I believe my brother and his wife have a place in heaven and someday we will all be together.
Please don't turn to drugs-it will make you feel worse in the long run. I abused alcohol for 2 years after this and nearly ruined my family.
You CAN be happy again, after your period of grief.
Time heals. Take Care
Posted by corafree on October 22, 2004, at 18:45:12
In reply to Re: Suicide, posted by nisha1 on September 26, 2004, at 22:14:58
My father died in February. I actually died physically and emotionally with him. I felt the family (all, but I, lived nearby) didn't give him the attn he needed so badly as he neared the end of his spirited life. He was the love of my life and we were best friends. It has been months, but still I grieve. He meant so much to me. May the power higher than we, fill us with the beauty that was with us, when they were with us, and now in us. Best wishes in your grief recovery ... as long as it takes. We'll never get over it, but we will get used to it. cf
JF,
> I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my brother to suicide in March of 2000. His wife died by suicide 10 months before he did. He was very depressed and blamed himself for her actions. She was sick and depressed as well. They left 5 kids ages 9 thru 17.
>
> I also tried to hold it together for the sake of my parents and siblings. I ended up on my couch for 1 week and went to 3 doctors in less than 5 days. I was sick with grief. I remember thinking how I could hardly wait till 5 years from then. I figured the hurt would go away.
>
> Well, its been 4 1/2 years and I still hurt, but I'm able to handle it better. I still think about him every day, but I don't cry everyday.
>
> I've educated myself on suicide. I've learned that when a person is depressed, its not just a mental thing but also a physical thing. Physical things happen in our brains when we are depressed. I hope I make some sense here.Our brains stop producing as much serotonin and dopomine (I think thats how they are spelled) as it normally would. Also, our bodies can go to hell, as mine did. The above brain chemicals that I mentioned are our "feel good" chemicals. With low production, it makes us feel bad and we do things that we normally wouldn't do.
>
> The reason I'm mentioning this is that I can't imagine anyone wanting to take their life unless they are feeling extremely bad.
>
> You are so young and I wish you never had to experience such a painful thing. It helps to talk to others who have been thru this, and it helps to read up on suicide. Also, I prayed alot. I believe my brother and his wife have a place in heaven and someday we will all be together.
>
> Please don't turn to drugs-it will make you feel worse in the long run. I abused alcohol for 2 years after this and nearly ruined my family.
>
> You CAN be happy again, after your period of grief.
> Time heals. Take Care
>
>
>
Posted by peacefeline on November 19, 2004, at 20:53:51
In reply to Re: Suicide » nisha1, posted by corafree on October 22, 2004, at 18:45:12
The numbness does seem to be very protective. But unfortunately sometimes it continues long after it's in our best interests, and it messes us up in our relationships, among other things. I had numbness set in last month, following several closely-spaced events that were very upsetting and hard to deal with, including the loss of my mom. Every week or two there was some new crisis going on, and after about 2 months of that I suddenly woke up numb. That very day I took my dog to the vet and learned he has a tumor on his heart and will only live a short time, with prednisone. I didn't even feel anything about that, other than knowing it would hurt a lot "later."
Anyway--my h has had PTSD from combat, the whole time I've known him & I knew from close-up what that numbness does to people (he's had his for 38 years.) After about a week of being numb, I started to worry it wasn't going to go away on its own. So I sat in a quiet place and ASKED for it to go away, starting at 3 p.m. or something like that. It did start going away, a little bit ahead of schedule, in fact. By that night I felt pretty rough...asking the numbness to go away felt like a self-inflicted wound at that point. But I know that feelings of grief and loss have to be felt in order for us to get better. Over time they've subsided some (actually, we're still in the crisis-of-the-week club, so I guess some of the old losses have to take a back seat to make room for some new ones right now.)
About the EMDR--just at the beginning of this whole chain of events I had begun some EMDR treatments for a rape that happened when I was 17 and buried for over 20 years. I only had 2 treatments because right after that I lost my mom and it just wasn't a good time to continue the EMDR right then. But the point I want to make is that even 2 treatments did a lot of good! I was very, very impressed. It seems like voodoo, but it really did help me. After the dust finally settles, I plan to do some more and be able to live free of that particular trauma.
I've read about cases of really awful trauma that were helped by EMDR. Sometimes it can take a year or longer, but in many cases just 4 or 5 treatments can do what a couple years of talk therapy could not.
Good luck in your healing.
Susan
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