Posted by JF on September 5, 2004, at 0:25:17
On the night of August 18th, my father didn't come home from work. The next morning my mother and I found a suicide note in his den. Realizing what had happened sent me into shock. The day I found out, I was in tears and horribly depressed, but since then, I have been completely numb (Actually not completely, I have a general sense of unrest). Everytime I feel like I'm about to break down, I suddenly become numb again. I haven't been able to eat, and I've barely gotten any sleep, but i feel like I have to keep it together for my mother.
We have both seen alot of death. When I was 12, I lost 3 close family members. When I was 13, I lost 2 more. This made me terribly depressed and unable to function. Until I turned 18 (about a year and a half ago) I drowned my troubles with drugs. Honestly, I feel very tempter to get back on heroin right now, but I am confident that I wouln't.
Anyway, I really don't know what I should be feeling. I was closer to my dad than anybody else. I'd say closer than he was to my mom. I don't think I'm angry at him, in fact I don't think I've even accepted that it has happened. I would give anything to really feel something now. To cry and scream and some how move on. But I just feel stuck emotionally. Is this normal? What can I do to help move on?
poster:JF
thread:386561
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20040811/msgs/386561.html