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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by shauna on December 25, 2003, at 21:03:30
My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me exactly 1 month ago, and I haven't been coping at all. I can't get past how much I love and miss him. I wake up in the middle of the night because he suddenly pops into my mind and the shock of seeing him in my mind's eye bolts me into consciousness, and I cry all day from the moment I wake. I am about to ramble on and on, but please bear with me, this hurts so much and I haven't eaten or slept properly in weeks.
To make things worse, he emailed me a week after we broke up saying that he loved me and missed me but had to break up for a while in order to give him time to think and save our relationship if possible. He said he sent it to me to make 'it' easier for me, whatever 'it' means. The email only ended up giving me a false sense of hope that he would come back, and I've been fooling myself with that hope to make the pain of losing him easier. I know he won't come back because we have too much emotional damage. We were doing pretty good for the first year but things just started going downhill from there, and we wanted to go seek counselling but didn't get round to it and now it's too late. His reasons for breaking up sound petty and ridiculous to all of our and my friends who know about it, but either way his reasons have added up to cause the resentment and hurt that are very real. A week ago, I texted him to ask if I could come over to pick up some of my things as I have not yet been able to go back to move my stuff out. Instead of texting me back, he picked up the phone an called me. I hadn't expected this, since he was the one who wanted no contact with me. For the first 30 mins, we were catching up like good friends, then the conversation got awful because he began to repeat all the things he'd said when we broke up, all the reasons for his resentment and hurt. I don't understand why he did this, why he had to pick up the phone and do this all over again. I don't know if this means that he may still want to get back together and was trying to drum into me why he got so hurt or resentful and make me understand it (because that's what it felt like he was doing), or if he did it for closure. He says he will call me again in the new year, and I know that he will, but really, why would he? What for? He has said he doesn't think he was ever in love with me, that he doesn't think I really ever loved him - he sounds as confused as I am!
I just can't move on, and I've had to take the week off from work because I'm constantly breaking down. We had made plans to move to another country in July of next year, and we have two dogs that are living with him at the moment. All our plans are evaporating and I don't know how to deal with not having him in my future when we've been making plans to be together for so long. I didn't even see the breakup coming, I thought that whatever happened we would just keep working on making us better. Please help, not being able to love him is hurting so bad, I need to stop or I'm going to implode!
Posted by jeff g on January 3, 2004, at 5:28:09
In reply to Help, breaking up is tearing me apart!, posted by shauna on December 25, 2003, at 21:03:30
that really sucks.. I have been going through a horrible breakup myself.. my posts are a bit up on the list. its been 4 months almost since I broke up with my girl of 2 years and I'm still really hurting over it. I strung myself along for a long time with hope, thinking there must be something I can do or say to make her love me again like she once did. I have basically given up hope now, and letting go of the last hope has been like breaking up all over again. I had to call into work tonight and spent hours crying on my bathroom floor. I pretty much feel like advice that people give us in these situations doesn't help that much. Nothing can make you feel better except time and distance from the person it seems. No amount of logical reasoning or hopeful thinking really changes your shattered heart. I personally have learned SO much about life and love through my last relationship and the breakup. I know this knowledge will help me if I ever am in love again, so that is the one positive I take from it. But yeah it is basically like a death and I understand your hurt, knowing this person you cherish and opened yourself up to is basically gone forever is a horrible realization. In my case, I had to watch this woman who swore we were soul mates and going to be together forever move on and start a new relationship only weeks after our breakup. I've tried to stay friends with her but its too painful seeing her have no desire to try again with me or reconcile, and being happy in her new thing. I would recommend cutting off all contact with the guy, it really sounds to me like its not going to work out for you two. Maybe some day you can talk again or be friends but for now you need to heal and that means not exposing yourself to what is causing you so much hurt.
Posted by shauna on January 8, 2004, at 10:17:27
In reply to Re: Help, breaking up is tearing me apart!, posted by jeff g on January 3, 2004, at 5:28:09
hi jeff, thanks for replying, i appreciate the effort. it's still really hard not being constantly around him, talking to him, doing things with him. the weekends are the hardest, i'm always wondering where he is or who he's with. but then by doing this i'm only torturing myself, which is what i wanted to write to you about.
i've read some of your posts and the replies, and they made my heart ache for you. but what's been important for me, and i think will help for you, is to look inside yourself. i think you will find you are much stronger and more resilient than you think. trust that this all happened for a bigger reason than you can understand right now, and trust that time will make a difference.
this past month has been hell but with help from some very good friends, i'm constantly policing myself and preventing me from torturing myself further with more grief. i'm not going to tell you the obvious things like 'try to sever all contact with your ex' etc. i think advice like this is sensible but it ignores the problem at hand, which is your pain. nothing i can do will make my ex come back, so all i could do was take care of me. i stepped outside of myself for a moment and tried to be my best friend, and it really upset me to see how i was compounding my pain by torturing myself over our breakup. amazingly, looking at myself like this made me realise that i had to pick up the pieces even if i didn't want to. jeff, let yourself experience your sorrow, but then, find the strength inside you to move on. do it for you.
your 'true self' was trying to warn you that there was something wrong in the relationship, and i think the time-out you initiated was a good thing to do for both of you to give you some perspective, so don't berate yourself - you were being mature and honest, and that is commendable. be extra kind to yourself, and be good to you - you deserve it. i'm working really hard on this too, so i'll let you know how it's going. take care.
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