Posted by shauna on December 25, 2003, at 21:03:30
My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me exactly 1 month ago, and I haven't been coping at all. I can't get past how much I love and miss him. I wake up in the middle of the night because he suddenly pops into my mind and the shock of seeing him in my mind's eye bolts me into consciousness, and I cry all day from the moment I wake. I am about to ramble on and on, but please bear with me, this hurts so much and I haven't eaten or slept properly in weeks.
To make things worse, he emailed me a week after we broke up saying that he loved me and missed me but had to break up for a while in order to give him time to think and save our relationship if possible. He said he sent it to me to make 'it' easier for me, whatever 'it' means. The email only ended up giving me a false sense of hope that he would come back, and I've been fooling myself with that hope to make the pain of losing him easier. I know he won't come back because we have too much emotional damage. We were doing pretty good for the first year but things just started going downhill from there, and we wanted to go seek counselling but didn't get round to it and now it's too late. His reasons for breaking up sound petty and ridiculous to all of our and my friends who know about it, but either way his reasons have added up to cause the resentment and hurt that are very real. A week ago, I texted him to ask if I could come over to pick up some of my things as I have not yet been able to go back to move my stuff out. Instead of texting me back, he picked up the phone an called me. I hadn't expected this, since he was the one who wanted no contact with me. For the first 30 mins, we were catching up like good friends, then the conversation got awful because he began to repeat all the things he'd said when we broke up, all the reasons for his resentment and hurt. I don't understand why he did this, why he had to pick up the phone and do this all over again. I don't know if this means that he may still want to get back together and was trying to drum into me why he got so hurt or resentful and make me understand it (because that's what it felt like he was doing), or if he did it for closure. He says he will call me again in the new year, and I know that he will, but really, why would he? What for? He has said he doesn't think he was ever in love with me, that he doesn't think I really ever loved him - he sounds as confused as I am!
I just can't move on, and I've had to take the week off from work because I'm constantly breaking down. We had made plans to move to another country in July of next year, and we have two dogs that are living with him at the moment. All our plans are evaporating and I don't know how to deal with not having him in my future when we've been making plans to be together for so long. I didn't even see the breakup coming, I thought that whatever happened we would just keep working on making us better. Please help, not being able to love him is hurting so bad, I need to stop or I'm going to implode!
poster:shauna
thread:293418
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/293418.html