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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Searchlight on October 11, 2003, at 17:50:53
A divorce can be very much like a death- the loss of someone who was once (and still is in ways) important to you. It is the death of dreams, hopes, wishes, comapnionship and a lot of other things you once had together. My 2nd divorce was final almost exactly 2 years ago. I had no children from either marriage. But still there is a hole. I was the one to leave both times, and the 2nd one particularly devestated me. I have had bad depression all my life on and off and thank God for the anti-depressants I was on at the time! I still feel empty and sad and as I grow older (I am almost 38), it gets harder and harder to meet anyone I feel compatible with. It's gotten so hard to make the effort because I have gotten so decision-phobic (but I am not committment-phobic) about relationships due to the failure of both of my marriages. There is a lot to the story about my 2nd ex-husband, but I don't want to go into details. It is just very hard, especially holidays and birthdays. I would really appreciate anyone else's feedback on the subject. It still hurts, and I am definitely one of those people who loves and wants to be married.
Searchlight
Posted by PHV on October 12, 2003, at 15:44:03
In reply to Divorce can cause terrible grief, posted by Searchlight on October 11, 2003, at 17:50:53
Hi Searchlight -
I too have been divorced for many years and have no children - I will be 36 in a few months. I grieved and felt like a failure full of self blame for a number of years. Then after awhile I started realizing how nice it was to have only myself to answer to. I recognized that I felt lonelier when I was married than I ever have in the years since being single. I have found my own interests - spending time with family and friends - focusing on my career - and being able to travel or do whatever I want to, whenever I want to.
I have been involved with a wonderful man for nearly seven years. He too is divorced with three grown children. We don't live together, he has a very busy work schedule and fortunately understands mine as well. We have no desire to get married - other than some time in the future for potential financial reasons only! I have no desire to have children due to the mental illness that seems to run through my family history. People think we're crazy not to want to get married - yet these are the same people who tell us how jealous they are that we are so happy together and how much fun we have together. I feel a main reason for our continued happiness is because we love each other enough to know and trust each other by allowing each other the freedom to spend time apart - as well as as share our lives together.
Independence is key in finding happieness in your own life. You can't get that from another person. It is something you need to find deep inside yourself.
Take this time and opportunity to do some serious soul searching. Count your blessings that you can focus on only yourself. Don't just "settle" for another relationship just to have someone there.
Things happen for a reason in our lives Searchlight. Learn from this, grow from this - and share your fears, concerns and dreams with people on this Board. Try to make yourself a better person because of the difficult experiences you have had - and take charge to make sure you don't find yourself in the same situation again.
Best of luck to you. Please keep us posted. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Patty
Posted by Searchlight on October 12, 2003, at 22:58:11
In reply to Re: Divorce can cause terrible grief, posted by PHV on October 12, 2003, at 15:44:03
Hi Patty!
Thank you for the heart-warming and kind post. I am glad you have someone special who values you and let's you be you. I believe two people can have a strong committment and true love with or without a piece of paper. I believe it works for each couple based on a mutual decision for what is right for them. I believe marriage or re-marriage is not for everyone, and that is to be respected. For myself I like the idea of getting married again, but I am also open to the option of a strong monogamous committment with a man provided we talk everything out when it starts to get serious. Also I considered having kids with my second husband (we tried but were unsuccessful in getting pg), but with depression in my family and the fact that my marriage did not work out and I am about to turn 38, I know I probably won't have kids of my own. If I find someone special, I would consider adoption though. But I think being a happy person in yourself is exactly right. You cannot really give to another if you don't love yourself (in a healthy way of course). I have taken the past year as a single gal to reflect and grow and while I miss having a boyfriend, someone special, I guess I will let it happen on it's own without looking too hard for it. That never seems to work.
Enjoy each day and family and friends. Happiness in oneself does seem to attract others.
We'll talk again Patty, you are insightful and thoughtful about other people's feelings.
Thanks, Susan
Posted by PHV on October 13, 2003, at 21:28:53
In reply to Re: Divorce can cause terrible grief » PHV, posted by Searchlight on October 12, 2003, at 22:58:11
Hi Susan -
I am happy to see you have been trying to take this past year to learn and grow from. I still look at my marriage as being the greatest learning experience of my life. After the breakup of my second ever relationship some five years later, I recall being absolutely devastated. I felt as though I was somehow to blame for two failed relationships - and that something was wrong with me. Only after a great deal of soul searching, did I ever realize that I wasn't a failure, I had simply made some poor decisions in my life in choosing mates that simply weren't suitable for me. I believed that love could change everything - and if two people loved one another enough, they could get through anything. Boy was I wrong!
What I did learn from those two experiences - seem to be even more important. I learned what was unacceptable and intolerable for me to accept in a mate - rather than the things that I wanted in someone. For instance, if I "dated" someone who made a joke at my expense - making me feel humiliated - I would call it off right then and there. Those little clues early on - really stood out to me and made me realize that they would only get worse as the days and years would pass.
Do yourself a favor, Susan. Rather than grieving what was - close your eyes and remember as vividly as you can - some of the terrible and hurtful moments of your relationships. Remember what it was that led you to divorces. Feel the hurt, feel the pain, the humiliation - cry the tears - but remember why THE DECISION WAS MADE to end the relationship. Because if it was so wonderful, you would still be together today. The grass is always greener on the other side . . . sometimes it really is better on the side you've been forced to . . .
Take care Susan. We will talk soon.
Patty
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