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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by KayJ on September 15, 2003, at 8:51:32
First, let me say that I have read all of the posts on this board and I am wishing peace for all. I think that is what I am looking for.
I just can't seem to "get over" the loss of my parents..my father died 11 yrs ago and my mother died 9 yrs ago. They both died from cancer..with lots of suffering and I was basically the caregiver. They were fairly young 66, 65. I have one brother who lives out of state..and really was not part of it. I see him rarely..mostly only a phone call every yr or two : )
I just can't seem to get over the sadness..or feeling that I have a great big hole in my life. I keep trying to fill it with others..or other things, but it still remains just below the surface, ready to choke me with emotion at unsuspecting times. Everyone loses their parents..so why can't I get past this? I go to the cemetery and cry like a baby. What I wouldn't give to spend one more day with them. I really have none of my family left..except for my wonderful husband and children..I know those are very different relationships...but I should be grateful for what I have. I guess I am just a big baby : )
KayJ
Posted by Susan J on September 15, 2003, at 9:25:54
In reply to Grief, Sadness, loss or just depression?, posted by KayJ on September 15, 2003, at 8:51:32
Hi, I'm sorry it still hurts so much.... :-(
> I just can't seem to "get over" the loss of my parents..my father died 11 yrs ago and my mother died 9 yrs ago. They both died from cancer..with lots of suffering and I was basically the caregiver. They were fairly young 66, 65. I have one brother who lives out of state..and really was not part of it. I see him rarely..mostly only a phone call every yr or two : )
<<I haven't lost my parents, so I'm not really qualified to say anything, just that I think still missing them is normal. Do you still feel really deep grief over their loss? Also, since you were the primary caregiver, is it possible that you are a bit angry with the situation (at brother, at self, at parents) for having to be the only caregiver? I hope I'm not causing problems by asking that. If it were me, I would lovingly care for my parents and *still* be resentful for having to do it. Not saying that's healthy. That's just me. But the reason I bring it up is, if you are angry, you might feel guilty about the anger and think grief is a more socially acceptable emotion to feel....hence, the lingering grief. And if the anger is the cause, if you can identify and acknowledge it, you will be able to get rid of a bunch of that grief....> I just can't seem to get over the sadness..or feeling that I have a great big hole in my life.
<<I don't know if you believe in God or heaven. I have mixed feelings about it myself sometimes. But it *does* help me to think of my grandmother looking down on me, knowing what's going on. I *talk* to her all the time, too. Makes her seem more *there.* Perhaps that might help?>> I guess I am just a big baby : )
<< I think it's great you care so deeply for your parents! I can't say I really feel any love for mine.....I wonder if that would change if, God forbid, something happened to them. Your love and emotions, even though painful, are a wonderful reminder that there were people in your life you cared tremendously for. I know it's painful. I wish I could say something more helpful to you. But you are in my thoughts.Susan
Posted by Susan J on September 15, 2003, at 9:25:55
In reply to Grief, Sadness, loss or just depression?, posted by KayJ on September 15, 2003, at 8:51:32
Hi, I'm sorry it still hurts so much.... :-(
> I just can't seem to "get over" the loss of my parents..my father died 11 yrs ago and my mother died 9 yrs ago. They both died from cancer..with lots of suffering and I was basically the caregiver. They were fairly young 66, 65. I have one brother who lives out of state..and really was not part of it. I see him rarely..mostly only a phone call every yr or two : )
<<I haven't lost my parents, so I'm not really qualified to say anything, just that I think still missing them is normal. Do you still feel really deep grief over their loss? Also, since you were the primary caregiver, is it possible that you are a bit angry with the situation (at brother, at self, at parents) for having to be the only caregiver? I hope I'm not causing problems by asking that. If it were me, I would lovingly care for my parents and *still* be resentful for having to do it. Not saying that's healthy. That's just me. But the reason I bring it up is, if you are angry, you might feel guilty about the anger and think grief is a more socially acceptable emotion to feel....hence, the lingering grief. And if the anger is the cause, if you can identify and acknowledge it, you will be able to get rid of a bunch of that grief....> I just can't seem to get over the sadness..or feeling that I have a great big hole in my life.
<<I don't know if you believe in God or heaven. I have mixed feelings about it myself sometimes. But it *does* help me to think of my grandmother looking down on me, knowing what's going on. I *talk* to her all the time, too. Makes her seem more *there.* Perhaps that might help?>> I guess I am just a big baby : )
<< I think it's great you care so deeply for your parents! I can't say I really feel any love for mine.....I wonder if that would change if, God forbid, something happened to them. Your love and emotions, even though painful, are a wonderful reminder that there were people in your life you cared tremendously for. I know it's painful. I wish I could say something more helpful to you. But you are in my thoughts.Susan
Posted by rayww on September 15, 2003, at 9:58:26
In reply to Grief, Sadness, loss or just depression?, posted by KayJ on September 15, 2003, at 8:51:32
> First, let me say that I have read all of the posts on this board and I am wishing peace for all. I think that is what I am looking for.
>>>If it is peace you are looking for, try turning to God, the author of peace. I don't know if you have a belief or not, but those who do cannot deny that God's peace is real and available to all who seek diligently.
> I just can't seem to "get over" the loss of my parents..my father died 11 yrs ago and my mother died 9 yrs ago. They both died from cancer..with lots of suffering and I was basically the caregiver. They were fairly young 66, 65. I have one brother who lives out of state..and really was not part of it. I see him rarely..mostly only a phone call every yr or two : )
<<<life altering loss is something that in time you can learn to live with comfortably. You went through a great deal in a short period of time. sometimes, just a little bit of support goes a long way in sustaining you. Choose your support carefully. Take what you need from people. They usually will not mind, and if they do, they are really not true supportive friends. Take whatever you can from us here.> I just can't seem to get over the sadness..or feeling that I have a great big hole in my life. I keep trying to fill it with others..or other things, but it still remains just below the surface, ready to choke me with emotion at unsuspecting times. Everyone loses their parents..so why can't I get past this? I go to the cemetery and cry like a baby. What I wouldn't give to spend one more day with them. I really have none of my family left..except for my wonderful husband and children..I know those are very different relationships...but I should be grateful for what I have. I guess I am just a big baby : )
<<<I call these "moments" feel, sink, release moments. Do not fight back the tears. When the grief monster strikes, welcome it, feel it, sink into it as deep as you can, rest there until you feel like releasing it again, and let it pass through you. These episodes will eventually become fewer and farther apart, and who knows, you may even miss them because they connect you to your grief. My father has been gone over 30 years. I had one of those moments a couple of weeks ago and was grateful for it.Many will say belief makes a great difference. If you believe your parents live on and are preparing a place for you as they watch over you, it may give you the courage and faith you need to carry on. Develop a spiritual awareness of your immediate surroundings. Do you recognize your parents sense of humor, or their ways of expressing love? Take note of similar moments around you, and pause to say, "thanks dad or mom". Talk to your father and mother in heaven, and those words will enter heaven as prayers because what you say to your father in heaven would be the same as you would say to Father in heaven. Just some little things I have picked up on over the years.
Posted by Dena on September 15, 2003, at 16:46:59
In reply to Re: Grief, Sadness, loss or just depression?, posted by rayww on September 15, 2003, at 9:58:26
Dear Kay -
I agree with my friend, Raywww, that the consolation you're looking for can be found in God. You can just call out to Him, out loud even, & ask Him for mercy & comfort. Reading the Psalms, which deal with raw human emotion, have always helped me to "prime the pump" when I want to pour out my heart to God, but feel stuck.
I still have the blessing of both of my parents, but I have lost other loved ones. However, I've been told & believe that parents are especially signigicant to lose. It makes sense, I mean we first viewed the world through their eyes. Our mothers carried us under their hearts for nine months (& then in their arms for many more). Our fathers were (or were supposed to be) our protectors from all harm, our providers, or earthly image of our Heavenly Father. They helped form us into who we are, for good or for bad. Their influence over us can't ever be measured.
To say how much you miss them is a wonderful tribute to how much you love them, & how much they loved you. They must have given you so many blessings for you to so treasure their memory. I hope that you do have faith in God & in heaven. I don't know how someone can grieve without the firm belief that their loved ones are safe in a better place, & that they'll be together one day. If this is true for you, then you can hold onto the thought that you're only separated from them for a short time (compared to eternity).
To be still grieving so strongly after all this time, I might want to seek some counseling to discover if perhaps there is something causing you to hold on to the pain. Is there something else behind it? Fear? Anger? Abandonment? Resentment? When we grieve deeply & thoroughly, it can be surprisingly quick. I'm not meaning to judge your grief, I'd just want to be sure it wasn't camoflauging something else that might need some resolution. I wish you peace.
I hope you can find some comfort in these thoughts...
Shalom, Dena
Posted by shar on September 16, 2003, at 11:13:19
In reply to Grief, Sadness, loss or just depression?, posted by KayJ on September 15, 2003, at 8:51:32
> What I wouldn't give to spend one more day with them.
.........What would that day be like? Have you ever visualized how it would go, what you would do or say together?
>...but I should be grateful for what I have.
..........it sounds like you are grateful for what you have, AND you still are grieving your parents. Both can occur at once; having the love of your husband and family does not mean you won't grieve the loss of your parents.
I guess I am just a big baby : )
.........Oh, baloney! That kind of thinking is very hurtful to you. It minimizes your grief and you don't deserve it.
........BTW, being a caretaker is a heavy duty, extremely draining exhausting job. I wonder if you feel you did 'good enough' for them? I would think that along with your grief it must be a tremendous relief to not have that burden (though I know some might not like that word, but it IS so very, very hard to do). If you do feel relief, maybe you also feel guilty at feeling relieved.
........I think counseling (pastoral, psychological, etc.) could be helpful, and probably would not be a long term commitment for you. Bereavement imo will take its own time, but support couldn't hurt.
Shar
> KayJ
Posted by KayJ on September 16, 2003, at 11:34:35
In reply to Re: Grief, Sadness, loss or just depression? » KayJ, posted by shar on September 16, 2003, at 11:13:19
To all who responded to my message..a big thank you!
I am thinking your words over carefully ..as I think objective advice is the best kind. I think you all gave me something to think about...and conviction of faith is something that I could use a little help with..along with some counseling. Yes Shar, my parents only relief was their passing and so I was relieved for them..and myself. Everyone pretended not to know the outcome..so it went unspoken. So, I guess that does bother me. Yes, I would do things differently.
Thank you Shar, Rayww, Susan J and Dena for being so kind..it really does help.
Posted by Esmarelda on September 16, 2003, at 17:00:09
In reply to Re: Grief, Sadness, loss or just depression? » KayJ, posted by shar on September 16, 2003, at 11:13:19
I don't think you are a big baby at all. I thought the same about myself lately when I could not get over the loss of my grandmother. Thank God that I still have my parents, but my grandmother was like a second Mom (in fact, I called her "Mom.") She was my rock, my anchor and I am thoroughly convinced, an angel on this earth. I am lucky to have had her and lucky to have all my family. We have had 5 deaths, including Mom this year and I feel so hopeless! I am on Lexapro and that has helped tremendously for depression, but I still feel the grief. My therapist said they are two different things. I think you do just have to let the grief monster sink in when he or she arrives. It's no fun, but what a tribute to that very special person who left a hole whom no one can feel. My "Mom" lost her daughter when she was 20, her husband, her parents and only had one brother alive at the time of her death. Now, I wonder how she made it through it all! I know the answer must be in the faith she had in God's plan. God has promised us Mansion's in the sky and crowns of righteousness. I'll bet your parents are standing by the gates of heaven to welcome you back into their mansion when God so deems the time is right. I needed this forum. I am glad Dr. Bob put it here! God bless to all!
Posted by Bec on September 30, 2003, at 11:54:17
In reply to Re: Grief, Sadness, loss or just depression? » KayJ, posted by Susan J on September 15, 2003, at 9:25:55
Today I took a big step. I went to a doctor and told him that I want to get well. I don't want to continue being sad. I think I'll call this "giving up the grief". I've held onto it very tightly since my beautiful daughter died in a car wreck over two years ago. She was such a beautiful person and a blessing in my life and in the lives of so many other people. I've kept my grief private...some things are so painful to discuss. I've heard that we hang onto grief as a way of hanging onto the one we lost. But that doesn't bring Jamie back. I need to move forward as there will be many years 'after Jamie'. That's how I've learned to measure time - before Jamie and after Jamie.
Posted by kazoo on November 21, 2003, at 1:59:05
In reply to Grief, Sadness, loss or just depression?, posted by KayJ on September 15, 2003, at 8:51:32
> I just can't seem to "get over" the loss of my parents..
^^^^^^^^^^^
At 55 years old, neither can I. When my Father died in 1996, I still had my mother to attend to. I was her caregiver and it wasn't easy to do this. She had every illness in the book and was not an easy person to live with. I gave of myself, allowed my life to slip by, put my career (DP/MIS) on hold (which I eventually lost) and concentrated in giving over ten years of service to help those in my family because the need was there. This was for my brother Joseph, my Father Salvatore and my Mother Julia, three beautiful people that suffered horribly, the best medical science could do was not good enough. I pity future generations with the kind care that is less than second rate.I look back NOT in anger or with regret but with sincere gratitude that I was granted this golden opportunity to give back to what they gave me: LIFE. And this is what it's all about: caring for those who, via their love, caused you to be here. How lucky can one be? On many occasions in the Past they were there for me, so I was there for them in their final years. With the exception of a few weeks, all died at home and I attended to their needs. I have other brothers and a sister that did nothing for them, even when I would beg them to help them, or even me. God sees everything and though this Divinity is a loving, kind God, it is all-knowing being that weighs justice accordingly. And they don't forget. I don't wish bad on my siblings ... I commit the unpardonable sin of indifference in this case and do not care what they do for rest of their lives. I wanted their help, I would beg for it, but received oral vituperatives that are just too horrendous to reproduce here. So much for that...
> I just can't seem to get over the sadness..or feeling that I have a great big hole in my life. I keep trying to fill it with others..or other things, but it still remains just below the surface, ready to choke me with emotion at unsuspecting times.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Someone once told me that when constant grief over a period of time doesn't let up, then it becomes "pathological." I say to them that they had better get a chest X-RAY because they obviously have no heart ... and with that, no soul as well. There's nothing wrong with being sad, morose, depressed over a loss no matter how long it takes. Let's face it: you've known the deceased all your life and they've become your best friend. I like to see anyone else handle the death of their best friend with the kind of cold, stoic, sterilized indifference that I find rehensible and disgusting. We are human beings of flesh and blood and to deny our feelings of grief is what's really pathological. And we're all mortal as well.Everyone loses their parents..so why can't I get past this? I go to the cemetery and cry like a baby.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I'll tell you right now that you'll never *really* get over this because the "child" in you is hurting for parental love. Nobody loved you like your parents and this reality (unfortunately) is finally realized after they're gone. I go through this every day so I know how you feel. You are not alone. Many feel this way as well. This is part of the "living process" so instead of questioning and trying to analyze the "why," my best advice is to go with the flow and allow yourself as long as it takes to understand the love your parents gave you, and to extend such love to others either in the same predicament or are in need of comfort.
What I wouldn't give to spend one more day with them. I really have none of my family left..except for my wonderful husband and children..I know those are very different relationships...but I should be grateful for what I have. I guess I am just a big baby : )^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
How lucky you are to have a strong support system via your immediate family to help you through your time of loss. I have no one and suffer alone in my private sea of grief. And you are not a "big baby." You are an adult feeling pain of those you love but cannot reciprocate in the kind of way you've grown so used to.You have heartfelt sympathies and strength to get you through this period now and for as long as it takes.
I remain,
(A still grieving) Kazoo
This is the end of the thread.
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