Posted by kazoo on November 21, 2003, at 1:59:05
In reply to Grief, Sadness, loss or just depression?, posted by KayJ on September 15, 2003, at 8:51:32
> I just can't seem to "get over" the loss of my parents..
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At 55 years old, neither can I. When my Father died in 1996, I still had my mother to attend to. I was her caregiver and it wasn't easy to do this. She had every illness in the book and was not an easy person to live with. I gave of myself, allowed my life to slip by, put my career (DP/MIS) on hold (which I eventually lost) and concentrated in giving over ten years of service to help those in my family because the need was there. This was for my brother Joseph, my Father Salvatore and my Mother Julia, three beautiful people that suffered horribly, the best medical science could do was not good enough. I pity future generations with the kind care that is less than second rate.I look back NOT in anger or with regret but with sincere gratitude that I was granted this golden opportunity to give back to what they gave me: LIFE. And this is what it's all about: caring for those who, via their love, caused you to be here. How lucky can one be? On many occasions in the Past they were there for me, so I was there for them in their final years. With the exception of a few weeks, all died at home and I attended to their needs. I have other brothers and a sister that did nothing for them, even when I would beg them to help them, or even me. God sees everything and though this Divinity is a loving, kind God, it is all-knowing being that weighs justice accordingly. And they don't forget. I don't wish bad on my siblings ... I commit the unpardonable sin of indifference in this case and do not care what they do for rest of their lives. I wanted their help, I would beg for it, but received oral vituperatives that are just too horrendous to reproduce here. So much for that...
> I just can't seem to get over the sadness..or feeling that I have a great big hole in my life. I keep trying to fill it with others..or other things, but it still remains just below the surface, ready to choke me with emotion at unsuspecting times.
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Someone once told me that when constant grief over a period of time doesn't let up, then it becomes "pathological." I say to them that they had better get a chest X-RAY because they obviously have no heart ... and with that, no soul as well. There's nothing wrong with being sad, morose, depressed over a loss no matter how long it takes. Let's face it: you've known the deceased all your life and they've become your best friend. I like to see anyone else handle the death of their best friend with the kind of cold, stoic, sterilized indifference that I find rehensible and disgusting. We are human beings of flesh and blood and to deny our feelings of grief is what's really pathological. And we're all mortal as well.Everyone loses their parents..so why can't I get past this? I go to the cemetery and cry like a baby.
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I'll tell you right now that you'll never *really* get over this because the "child" in you is hurting for parental love. Nobody loved you like your parents and this reality (unfortunately) is finally realized after they're gone. I go through this every day so I know how you feel. You are not alone. Many feel this way as well. This is part of the "living process" so instead of questioning and trying to analyze the "why," my best advice is to go with the flow and allow yourself as long as it takes to understand the love your parents gave you, and to extend such love to others either in the same predicament or are in need of comfort.
What I wouldn't give to spend one more day with them. I really have none of my family left..except for my wonderful husband and children..I know those are very different relationships...but I should be grateful for what I have. I guess I am just a big baby : )^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
How lucky you are to have a strong support system via your immediate family to help you through your time of loss. I have no one and suffer alone in my private sea of grief. And you are not a "big baby." You are an adult feeling pain of those you love but cannot reciprocate in the kind of way you've grown so used to.You have heartfelt sympathies and strength to get you through this period now and for as long as it takes.
I remain,
(A still grieving) Kazoo
poster:kazoo
thread:260183
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/281962.html