Posted by ClearSkies on August 6, 2007, at 11:43:13
In reply to I HATE MYSELF, posted by sometimesblue on August 6, 2007, at 11:10:49
> Not sure where to start...I'm trying to be sober, no drinking, no taking pills...But i hate my life sober, and i hate myself high. I get deepressed, anxiety ridden, panic attacks more frequent now. I need to escape but i have too much at stake, kids, husband.
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> I can't find any pleasure, any balance inside or outside of myself. Not sure where to go, what to do...
Hi there, Sometimes. Welcome, I don't think we've met. I'm ClearSkies and I post on this board a lot. Will have 2 years' sobriety this month and have depression, anxiety, panic attacks. Everything became MUCH worse when I stopped drinking. Nothing to hide behind, really, so all the sickness just kind of welled up and it makes you wonder why bother, right?I'm afraid that the bottom line is that there is no escape. A sober life means all the bumps and downs and ups are felt without any of the filter that drinking gave us. The good news is that if we treat ourselves better, we don't feel the need to escape as strongly. (I won't go so far as to say that I don't ever want to escape. Of course I do, especially when life is on a downward slide and I don't have my alcohol to hide myself in.)
But feeling life in all its rawness means that we get to experience its beauties to their fullness too. So for me, living a sober life means reminding myself, every single day, that I'm a very lucky woman, and that I deserve every happiness that I find. Some people find that meditating is helpful; taking 15 minutes every morning to reflect on the gifts that we are able to appreciate because we didn't have to wake up hung over. It helps me, at least. I really like not having to remember what I might have said or who I might have called (Dialing While Drunk), or looking at my knees and elbows and wondering how I smashed them up. I do think it's important to get proper care for those underlying conditions. Quite often once we've become sober the medications we've been treating our depression and anxiety with have to be adjusted because our bodies are responding differently without having alcohol in our system. I went on Campral for the first year of my sobriety to suppress the physical alcohol cravings, and found that it had a profound effect on my general level of anxiety, mostly because I wasn't worried about drinking. Perhaps an overhaul of your medications with your doctor is in order.
I'm sorry if my reply seems blunt or uncaring; it's not meant to be at all. I do think it's important to remember that just as our sobriety leaves us more open to feel the pain of our lives, it also means we are able to feel the joys of them. Not to be sappy about it, but I am really, really grateful that I make the choice every day not to drink.
Take good care of yourself. You might find that a support group like Women For Sobriety would be a good fit for you. They have a website and do both online support and have literature and face to face meetings all over the place. (And then there is Babble, which is my most precious resource.) Feel free to babblemail me if you ever want to talk. I don't do chat but I'm happy to post, babblemail, or email. Whatever works, whatever it takes to keep myself sober and help others do the same. It's my credo, I guess, and one that's worked for me so far.
gentle hugs to you,
ClearSkies
poster:ClearSkies
thread:774285
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20070626/msgs/774289.html