Re: Why do i find it hard to accept i'm ill? » capricorn

> > Have you ever been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome or any form of autism? I can't say for sure based on just your post, but what you described sounds to me exactly what an adult person with Asperger's Syndrome goes through.
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> Never been diagnosed but have wondered about asperger traits/nonverbal learning disorder.

Asperger's Disorder as a diagnosis is controversial and is scheduled to be removed from the DSM in favor of Autism Spectrum Disorder. But personally I find the term extraordinarily useful for people who would not be even recognized as traditionally autistic.

> Here is a fuller list of things i know about myself.
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> Social interaction problems.
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> Have difficulty with small talk and initiating conversations.
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> Only couple of friends in 3D over 55 years

From Wikipedia:
The lack of demonstrated empathy is possibly the most dysfunctional aspect of Asperger syndrome.[2] Individuals with AS experience difficulties in basic elements of social interaction, which may include a failure to develop friendships or to seek shared enjoyments or achievements with others (for example, showing others objects of interest), a lack of social or emotional reciprocity (social "games" give-and-take mechanic), and impaired nonverbal behaviors in areas such as eye contact, facial expression, posture, and gesture.[1]

People with AS may not be as withdrawn around others compared to those with other, more debilitating, forms of autism; they approach others, even if awkwardly. For example, a person with AS may engage in a one-sided, long-winded speech about a favorite topic, while misunderstanding or not recognizing the listener's feelings or reactions, such as a need for privacy or haste to leave.[8] This social awkwardness has been called "active but odd".[1] This failure to react appropriately to social interaction may appear as disregard for other people's feelings, and may come across as insensitive.[8] However, not all individuals with AS will approach others. Some of them may even display selective mutism, speaking not at all to most people and excessively to specific people. Some may choose to talk only to people they like.[29]

> Much better at verbal IQ questions than nonverbal/ visual spatial.
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> Not good at constructional tasks. Can't do jigsaws meant for children.

Verbal ability in aspies can be measured much higher than visual spatial and math ability -- not because it's actually more -- but because your brain functions differently. Aspies usually have excellent long-term memory but if you have a small working memory it means you can't hold a complex idea or figure in your mind as well as other people and it takes much longer to learn something or figure out a problem. But aspies can more than make up for these deficiencies -- creativity in these areas is typically much more important than fast problem-solving. From Wikipedia:
Individuals with AS often have excellent auditory and visual perception.[39] Children with ASD often demonstrate enhanced perception of small changes in patterns such as arrangements of objects or well-known images; typically this is domain-specific and involves processing of fine-grained features.[40] Conversely, compared to individuals with high-functioning autism, individuals with AS have deficits in some tasks involving visual-spatial perception, auditory perception, or visual memory.[1] Many accounts of individuals with AS and ASD report other unusual sensory and perceptual skills and experiences.

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> Started doing well academically but gradual decline starting at 9.5
As you get older the need for organization and attention and planning and attention to detail grows -- not things aspies are good at.

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> Had to have handwriting lessons.
It's because of bad fine motor control -- do you have a hand tremor?
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> Bad at sports especially gymnastics.
Almost universal among aspies. Combination of low muscle tone, lack of coordination and reflexes, visual spatial confusion, etc.

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> Have difficulty when it comes to organising and planning.
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> Messy and untidy
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Asperger's kids can be simultaneously diagnosed with ADD although they are VERY motivated and disciplined and enthusiastic about their special interests.

> Poor sense of direction and afraid of going too far in case i get lost.
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> Not good in crowds as difficulty judging distances and get overwhelmed by the toing and froing
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> Poor? balance was nearly 14 before i managed to ride a bike.
Visual-spatial deficiencies plus hypersensitivity to other people and movement and noises and bright lights

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> Poor drawing skills.
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> Struggle with change.
Aspies are notorious for disliking change and feel compelled to stick to rigid routines even to their severe detriment. I never would try to explore new activities or go to new places or meet new people. I never thought I could just go somewhere and be by myself to escape bullies. Even things like how to do house-cleaning and how often on my own I had to be shown.

Hardly surprising given how poorly aspies do in social interactions and school and the workplace, and that they are almost always severely bullied / taken advantage of / put down for almost their whole life.
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> mood swings
Aspies tend to feel loneliness much more acutely than other people, and social isolation and failure and rejection can lead to a lot of internal anger. Frustration and anger towards other people can lead to meltdowns. Emotional dysregulation is also a core symptom of Complex PTSD and the after-effect of severe trauma.

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> paranoid thinking
Aspies do a huge amount of talking to themselves in their mind's voice and sometimes this can lead to feelings of persecution and psychosis. Plus social phobia and PTSD both result in paranoia and delusions. Aspies are also very shy hypersensitive to criticism and insults, and a flawed cognitive model of the world and social interactions can develop if they are abused early in life.

I think you should read Tony Attwood's book and all of the material available online on Asperger's. I understood so many things about my life reading about Asperger's, it was almost unbelievable. Once you understand things about yourself -- like why you are hypersensitive to criticism or can't make friends or can't function in school -- you can take the right steps to get your life back on track. I used to be on all types of anti-anxiety and antidepressant and antipsychotic meds but stopped most of them except for a low dose antidepressant and instead do cognitive-behavioural work on processing my chronic abuse and work on changing how I learn and do tasks and view other people and the world. It will take time and there are some things you will always struggle with, but you do have the ability to live a fulfilling life -- all of the qualities that gave you difficulties are your greatest strengths and can be used to make really good contributions to society. There is nothing wrong with you that therapy and learning skills and meds can't fix.

C-PTSD: social phobia, major depression, dissociation.
Asperger's Syndrome.
Currently: 50mg amitriptyline single dose at night. 75mg Lyrica occasionally.
Significantly improving.

Re: Why do i find it hard to accept i'm ill? » capricorn

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