Posted by karen_kay on May 6, 2004, at 13:19:43
In reply to Re: a vicious cycle.... » karen_kay, posted by spoc on May 5, 2004, at 10:22:45
so spoc, you wanted some answers. well then, answers you shall receive. and not just answers by some 'commoner' either. because in case you have forgotten by now, i have all the answers. no no!!! wait, don't close the screen yet. stay right here. it is true, i really do have the answers to all of the important questions of life. if your belly hurts, it can only mean a few things:
*you need to go to the bathroom
*you need to eat
*(and this is the worst yet, i hope it never happens to one as precious as you spoc) somehow, while you've been under the influence, most likely in a drunken stupor or another intoxicating and yet fascinating substance, someone, possibly a friendly acquaintance or sister perhaps, dares you to drink a concoction consisting of mad dog 20/20, vodka, and something else i can't quite recall. (now, keep in mind that before this mess you've already eaten a hefty load of chips and cheese and cracked some sort of joke about a chip sinking in the cheese that only you understood. it's still funny to this day, though i don't know why. also, your lovely sister also has convinced you to stick your head in a bowl of cheese dip and just happened to have a camera nearby.) while you begin pouring the glass back, you smell the foul odor and change your mind (even though you never turn down a dare). your sister may remind you of the yellow streak down your back and you take a small sip, however your friend runs over to assist in this horrible plan to teach you a lesson (though what that is i'm not exactly sure of and still have yet to figure out). while pinning your arms back behind you and holding your head back, your lovely and beautiful sister pours the quart of putrid and vile alcohol down your throat. when the deed is done, you are so confused and scared (not to mention spitting fire, why would anyone ever buy mad dog? yuck!) you decide you need a drag from your cigarette, miss your mouth completely and burn yourself in the face with hot, red ashes. but, you get the final laugh, as it is your sister's house and you do leave her a present on her bathroom floor, as you miss the toilet completely. and that doesn't smell any worse coming up than it does going down, trust me.i have plenty of answers. like what to do when the hood of your car flies up while you are driving down the highway. now in high school i drove a boat. a huge car. a car so big that i once pulled over to make a phone call, hit the pay phone, uprooted it completely, and didn't do a bit of damage to my car. a car so big i could fit 13 people in it. a car so big, the hood weighed 200 lbs. they called her, "the white whale"..... so, i was driving down the highway, and i speed so i was probably doing about 70 possibly and all of the sudden my hood flew up on my car. talk about crapping my pants. that's some scary stuff! somehow, i managed to get my car pulled over (just my luck, into the driveway of my nemesis) safely, as i thought my car too big to just park on the side of the highway without being able to see out of the massive windshield. so, when i got out, i couldn't get the hood to stay down. i didn't know what to do. i couldn't stay in my nemesis' driveway, as i wasn't ready for a fight at this moment. and i did just have a relatively tramautic experience. not to mention, i was on my way to my friend's house to get out of town, and i wanted to go see a movie. so i pulled the hood down as far as it would stay and jumped on it. several times. until i heard it click. then i stopped. *side note, my car was finicky. she leaked power stearing fluid. so much so, that i had to fill it up several times each day. and, sometimes she wouldn't start, so i had to lift the hood and jiggle the battery cables* then, i got back in the car and continued driving, picked up my friend, and drove about an hour out of town. we got to the movie theatre early, picked up our tickets, and left to go across the street to target to get some snacks for the film. after that, we got in my car and decided to go get some food. i turned the key and my car wouldn't start. i got out to jiggle the cables and my hood wouldn't come up. it was stuck. i heaved and heaved but it wasn't moving. i called my mom and she said her common phrase 'what do you want me to do about it', my dad wasn't home and i was scared. i was stuck. my car wouldn't start. and my friend was mad at me for jumping on it (like she wouldn't have). not to mention we were going to watch batman forever (or another bad batman movie). what a day. just the worst. oh, it gets even worse. we went to target to kill some time before the movie and they called the police on us. the police arrived and i asked for help. they helped alright, they said i had to move my car. so, the police officer steered while two girls pushed the white whale into a different space. they said i had to call a tow truck. i called, but i had no money. uh oh, i asked my friend if she'd take it out in trade, but she wouldn't. i was stuck. but, the tow driver arrived, looked at it for a second, used some gadgets and popped the hood. he even fixed my battery cables for me. so, the morale of the story is if your hood flies up on your car, don't pull over in your nemesis' driveway to repair it. it only leads to bad things.
now spoc, i'll answer your questions.
dear, you asked me if 'vicious' is spelled v-i-c-i-o-u-s and i consulted my dictionary. it in fact is spelled correctly!!! i did spell it right. however, upon looking in that blasted book, i found that instead of saying vicious cycle, what i meant to say is vicious circle. i often find i am wrong about things, just not the important things. ok, maybe i'm not wrong about things. let's move on... (oh, you spelled nerve-wracking correctly as well! what a good girl you are today)the girl in the allergy advertisement is much like you and i. yes, i know, from the outside she appears perfect. she's in the car, perhaps a bit apprehensive about the trip. but, in the end, she gets the huge hug from the smelly stinky old man. you know why she looks rather uncomfortable about the situation? do you? because, upon arrival she realizes that this is her family as well. her lovely boyfriend is also in fact her BROTHER. and all this time, she didn't know it. but, after the inital discomfort, everyone realizes, 'if sarah's ok as a daughter, she'll make one fine daughter in law too!" and when that smelly old man on the tractor hugs her, she's a bit taken aback because she enjoyed the tractor ride just a bit too much. sure, at first she didn't want to go for the ride on the tractor, she was hesitant, but who can resist all those vibrations and movements through the pollen fields and out through the country with your boyfriend's relatives? not sarah for certain. even if they all happen to be related. so, to answer a few question: yes, they like her, no her allergies don't act up... but, about bearing children, that's a negative. sorry hun, that won't happen. perhaps adoption?
now, the bigger questoin: after you found out the true story behind sarah, do you really want to be like her? sure, she's cute. sure, she has allergies. i mean, she's not in a summer's eve commercial (though i'll keep my eye out for her). and she looks better with glasses too (but, she still looks kind of cross-eyed. does that make you feel better dear?) but, knowing the real story, wouldn't you rather eat fritos? wouldn't you rather wear contacts or glasses (i happen to love glasses anyway) and not worry about sarah? i have a feeling poor sarah will have a hard time planning the wedding come next fall. i mean, how can you walk down the aisle, when there's only one side? and then if she does divide the family, how would she split it up? and you know that the rest of the family won't be nearly as thrilled about this arrangement. and think about her coworkers. how they'll suffer. they'll become confused when she talks in circles about why his last name is the same as hers. and why they always go to the same place for holidays, even though she mentioned they're going to her folks this year and his last year. her coworkers will become confused. the world will be confused. in fact, i'm thinking about filing a lawsuit against that company for not explaining the situation completely.
and yes dear, we can ride tractors at my folks, though i think we may have to rent one. can you rent one? i'll find one for you darling. and we can shell peas. and i'll phone them and tell them they must laugh at your jokes, they must be pleasant, they must behave. but, i'm afraid my mom and sisters may full well try to look up your skirt while you aren't looking. is that a problem? i hope not. it is a compliment, of sorts.
(ok, at this point last night i had to save the document as these answers take time. and never have i ever saved a post on babble. this shows the loyalty, consistency, and integrity to which i devote myself in answering your questions..... so, it's noon, i'm full of all new types of creative thoughts today and i'm ready to continue. oh, and i didn't realize but according to word, this is now at 3 full pages. i didn't realize you asked so many questions, and i've not even gotten half way through. but spoc, i will finish today so you no longer have to live your life aimlessly wondering about the girl in the commercial, or the fat man with the skinney wife, or people who stand wordlessly by without asking you to move your cart [oh, and i'm one of those people, just because i'm in no hurry. sure, i could say 'i'm sorry, but i wouldn't want to break your concentration if you find what you are reading so important and i really don't mind standing there for a moment. but, that's just me. perhaps everyone else wants to make you feel inconsiderate? spoc, are you sure you don't know me?] but, back to answering your questions....)
day II... and still more answers
there are rather larger men in the commmercials with the thinnner wives because everyone knows that cooking is woman's work. yes, the woman must slave away in the kitchen all day to prepare the meal for the man. but, men are odd creatures. they don't need much to make them happy. a dead animal on a plate will keep their jokes coming. so, while the woman becomes thinner and thinner due to the building stress of housework, cooking, putting up with a fat old man, the male creature tells jokes and feeds his face, happy to know that at least he has someone there to cook it for him. and the jokes come aplenty as long as there is some sort of dead animal in his stomach to give him motivation. nevermind that his lovely wife is on the verge of a psychotic break. never mind that she paces the floor night and day wondering how she will keep her hair from turning grey at such a young age of 30. nevermind that she didn't have a chance to finish medical school becuase her fat old man needed her to quit and work to support him through the accelerated course of 'how to tell a joke in 5 months' even though when he graduates he's still not funny. so, she cooks for him to keep him happy, getting thinner and thinnner. but, don't feel sorry for her. she has the pressure to keep thin, yes! but, all the while she's much smarter than she appears, because she is scheming. she's plotting. she's planning. she's ummm, you know, she's read the last three sentences if you don't understand what i'm saying. because as this man gets fatter and fatter (and thinks he's funnier and funnier) she'll laugh at his jokes which aren't funny, and she'll slide the fried chicken in his direction. "oh no honey," she'll say, "i'm not hungry. you eat more." but, she's plotting. because one day, when she's had enough, and that life insurance plan finally matures, and he's eaten himself into a major coronary, he'll drop dead. and she'll be rich. and she'll find a new husband, one twenty years older than she is. one way out of her league. one who will in turn do the same to her. because this spoc is the way true love works. there really isn't a such thing. it's called 'buying your time' and giving/taking what you can, and making the other person believe you really can put up with their crap until that day comes when you can no longer. but then, once you get out, someone else does the same to you. so, humans aren't supposed to love. or perhaps it is love? or maybe she's jsut trying to stay in good shape for the day when the husband she doesn't like finally kicks off and she can find one she does. but, it all comes back, doesn't it? so, to answer your question in a few words, he's fat because she's overfeeding him and there's no food left for her to eat. or, she's trying to keep her figure for when this fat sack of crap dies. or, she's jsut so in love she can't even eat (hardey har ha!) you can take your pick dear.
about subject lines darling: i post my complaints to mr bob on a fairly regular basis aobut the subject line not being long enough. a good way to make it a bit longer is to delete what was written there and rewrite your own new phrase. i do this often and if people get confused, they don't tell me aobut it. i don't find it confusing, but i also have fairly circular thinking and it jumps around often, so a bit of distraction keeps me interested. what confuses me are those threads like this:i ate a squirrel <jai
re: i ate a squirrel <jai all done
re: i ate a squirrel <all done jai
re: i ate a squirrel <jai all done
WHAT??? kkso, when i see threads like that, where people talk to eachother and then you open it and at the top it says "in reply to i ate a squirrel posted by..." it confuses me and i stop reading. i can't tell who ate the squirrel. i can't tell who's asking questions. i can't tell who answered the questions. i just plain get lost. i avoid them and for my own benefit try to save my place with a new message in the subject line. that way, i can figure out just who in the world ate the squirrel.
but dear, about inequality... i don't like it either. i don't like it that mr bob spends so much time at my house and not enough at all done's. it doesn't seem fair to her. and everyone knows she is the fairer of the two. but, i have the better personality and i've heard word that mr bob is a leg man anyway.
and it doesn't seem fair that for some reason all of those diet commercials seemed to be aimed towards me. and i get angry. and i remove my socks and throw them at the dramatized doctor on the television. and yet, i still pick up my telephone and my old man's credit card and rush the order overnight. even though the pills they send are nothing more than pure speed (and that's always fun too!) even though they do nothing but make me run around in small circles through my living room, like a hamster in a cage. and when the supply runs out, what do i do? do i order more? no, of course not, i've already lost the phone number. i sit on the couch and eat chocolate. or, i watch my dog poop in the corner. or, i'm so out of it, probably due to the lack of speed in my system adn the extreme crash, i'm irritable and i do nothing but sit on the toilet for days on end, staring in the mirror repeating to myself, "you will never be fooled by dr feelgood again" but, the next time i'm watching daytime tv and another diet commercial comes on with a girl who couldn't get out of bed but lost 145 pounds with the help of a simple pill and NO EXERCISE REQUIRED i nearly trip over my own feet running to the phone. and the cycle continues. some say i'm easily fooled. i think those people are advertising executives and they are counting on that.
so, if i find a way to get you more space in the subject line, can you find a way to keep me from ordering thos diet pills? we can each give a little, right?
oh, and about 'those people' who ask if you are busy. i always say 'depends'... i'm pretty good at ahving an excuse. my old man! 'oh, you know my old man, he won't let me." and then most people understand. but spoc, i'd never do that to you. i'd free my schedule for you anytime. and i'd never be so rude as to ask what you were doing before explaing precisely what it was i was asking you to do. the nerve of some people. sometimes people just don't think before they speak. not you of course, i meant every other person on this planet. to try to coyly trap you into doing something without telling you what it is they want you to do. there sure are some pretty inconsiderate people out there, aren't there spoc? and to think that i wax my arms to impress these people. and i brush my teeth to impress these people. and i shave myself, all to impress these people. well spoc, no more. only for you! i'm devoting my grooming techniques only to you now. because you'd never call only to say, "are you busy" would you? and then say, "since you aren't busy, i need a kidney and i found out you'd be a perfect match." and when i answered, "well spoc, i'm pretty hard on my kidneys and feel i may need them both (do we even have 2 kidneys?) so i can live to my full potential age of 50" you wouldn't come back with, "well you said you weren't busy"....but, what's worse than that is when my sister calls and the first thing she says is, "how much do you love me???" oh dear god, that means trouble. that's happened a few times. once, she needed bail money. (and getting caught with certain substances "which weren't mine! i swear!" yeah, ok i know it was, you don't have to try and fool me, i'm not the police, i'm your sister!) another time she needed help moving, that day, out of town, without warning. she's an aquarius you know. that should help explain it and i got a washer and dryer out of the mess. but, she needed to use my truck, so that's why she even told me she was moving) and another time, she called and woke me up. i heard the 'how much do you love me line and i had chills. i said, 'it depends on what you did' this time it was, 'i'm pregnant' since i was asleep, i said the first thought that came to mind and it was 'is it spongebob's?' she wasn't too thrilled about that one. but, she laughs about it today.
so spoc, yoou think the whole, "are you busy' line is bad? wait until you hear the "how much do you love me" line. that means trouble. and i'd simply hang up the phone, except i just can't wait to hear the story behind the question.
about the shopping carts and those inconsiderate people. they like to have the power. they like to make you think that you've done something wrong. they like to be in control behind a cart, because they lack control of their own lives. this too reminds me of a story....(sheeesh! are you getting tired of my stories yet?)i was shopping with my friend. now, i'm a gorcery store princess, and by that i mean that it takes me forever to get through the grocery because i wait on people, talk to strangers, smile at everyone. i feel like a queen at a 4H fair. but, i'm no good at shopping. i walk from one end of the store to the other, several times. i can't remember where things are. i swear, there's no rational order to the way they arrange items in a grocery store anyway. but, she knows how i am and hates it. she also knows that i can't stand to be around shopping carts. when we got there, i reminded her, "well, ummm, you have to take the cart because i can't and you have to shop because um well..." she cut in with, "i know, you're weird about everything. you watch the people and smile and look pretty and i'll shop. we just have to hurry because you have to be back in a hurry to fix thanksgiving dinner and we have a whole list of items." so we started. i wsa smiling and waving, an old man winked at me. things were looking good. then, out of nowhere, she turned the cart around while i wasn't looking and smacked me with it. i was shaking, i let out a small scream, i was frightened, i had the memory of my sister hitting me with the shopping cart... she was sorry, but, she's a rude shopper. she plows through aisles. she hits peoples carts. she doesn't apologize. she cuts people off in lanes. she rreaches in front of people. and i'm left giving the sympathetic smile and handshake afterwards. but this time, after she hti me, she came up fast on an older woman. i didn't think she'd do it. she side-swiped the old lady and kept moving. she said, "i thought that would make you feel better for me hitting you earlier." oh dear, my friends are rude. i couldn't even sya i was sorry, i didn't stop to see if the older lady was ok, i didn't have the nerve. but you know, a part of me wanted to take that cart and run my friend over. another part of me wanted to giggle. it was a sweet gesture, of sorts?
i'm not so spoiled that i haven't heard enough slinky jokes. no one can hear enough of them. and i rather loved that one. i didn't ask sooner, as i didn't want to appear too anxious, tripping over myself. i'm glad you told it. i wonder why you didn't tell sooner.i saw the slinky joke on my screen and my heart started pounding. i wasn't sure that was safe, with the diet drugs still in my system, so i scrolled down a bit further and began reading, taking in each word slowly. my heart was still beating quickly so i had to rest for a bit and return later. i wouldn't want to die before i had a chance to read the joke. i got up, took another diet pill, and tried again. somehow, that helped. i read the joke. and i laughed. i thought about a friend i once saw falling down the stairs. i thought about myself falling down the staris. i thought about you falling down the stairs. the last thought made me cry. oh spoc, it caused me so much pain to think of you falling down the stairs. so, being inspired by the joke, i coaxed my old man down to the basement. as he started down the stairs, i pushed him. he fell, but not like a slinky, as he didn't quite bounce like one. spoc, you inspire me to do good things! everyone can use a trip every once in a while. now that i've gotten rid of the fat man, isn't it our turn to meet? huh?
i must say, this last post i even read bits and pieces to my old man and i was inspired to read on the laptop as well, just to get in the feel of things. i didn't fall asleep with the computer on my chest, as i'm sure i'd die that way, with the heavy amount of drooling i do. he laughed, i laughed, the dog laughed. we're one big happy family spoc. now, if only i had a mistress, life would be perfect.
oh, btw, are you busy?
poster:karen_kay
thread:340747
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040430/msgs/344010.html