Posted by bozeman on September 21, 2003, at 0:39:05
In reply to Re: octoprime, posted by kara lynne on September 20, 2003, at 23:21:50
1) He's just as addicted to destructive behaviour as you are
2) You wouldn't be doing either one of you any favors by prolonging the agony via calling, taking his calls, emailing, reading/returning his emails, going to joint therapy, or even thinking about him any more than you positively absolutely have to
3) If he "ain't got it" in the last five-plus years, he "ain't about to get it" now
4) Joint therapy? Sounds like another excuse for him to project his failings on you. He needs therapy, all right, but on his own, without you handy to blame for his shortcomings.
5) You deserve better
6) Alone is better than a relationship that tears you down and rips you apart
8) You are doing so much better than you think you are
9) Did I mention you deserve better?
10) You are trying to be responsible for yourself and your effect on others -- this is part of why it's so hard for you to let go (the thought that maybe there was something else you could have done.) He's doing everything in his power to shift responsibility anywhere, everywhere, but to himself. These philosophies are fundamentally incompatible because the two individuals involved will consistently bring out the worst in each other and harm each other, even if unintentionally.
11) YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!
12) If I (the Queen of What-Else-Could-I-Have-Done? and But-Maybe-He-Isn't-As-Big-A-Jerk-As-I-Think) can steel myself to NOT call, not take calls, not go to dinner, not cave in, not buy back into his grandiose bullcrap, then there is Hope, you keep after it, girlfriend, there's Hope for You Too
13) Ice cream really does make things better
14) I've never stopped thinking about you, even though I still don't have a computer of my own
15) Lattes also really do make things better
16) SSRI's (when they work) also make things better because they (when they work) give you a break from your own relentlessness
17) You deserve a guy who treasures the sweet soul you are -- not one who tries to twist you to feed his ego and dodge reality (however surreptitiously)
18) You ARE loved and appreciated, by people who are capable of it. (we just can't reach you right now. :-) He is not capable of either loving or appreciating you, because he doesn't love and appreciate himself. Don't torture yourself by trying to "fix" what you'll never be able to fix -- his internal insecurities. The pain of the loss (the loss is real, even if he isn't) -- the pain won't stop for a while, maybe a long while, but don't make it worse by digging the wound open again. Let him go. Do whatever you have to, play music real loud (Tina Turner works for me, but everyone's different), go for a walk, go shopping (window shopping if you have to), watch comedy movie marathons until you fall asleep (one of my favorites.) Bury your face in kitty fur and listen to loud purring (unconditional love in a fur coat.) Take bubble baths and get massages, or massage your own feet (sounds crazy, but it triggers the "I feel loved" circuit for a lot of people). Spend lots of time with a four-legged furball (being needed and depended-upon does wonders for me, but everybody's different, I suppose.)Take care of YOU, sweetie, and let him fend for himself. He's in your past, not your future.
(((kara lynne)))
Love,
B.
poster:bozeman
thread:260066
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030913/msgs/262087.html