Posted by Dinah on January 3, 2003, at 22:42:26
In reply to Re: Miller... » Dinah, posted by Miller on January 3, 2003, at 22:14:52
> Even when I am in a very bad state (suicidal) I want a sign that I can be happy. The signs just never show up in a timely manner.
You just need to learn how to look for them.
>
> Now, back to you. I assume you are referring to his commitment to protect you if he leaves, correct? How, exactly, do you know he forgot? Was the commitment something he wouldn't do for you if he hadn't promised?
>
I don't think he'd assume it was necessary, although he knows how dependent I am on him. I've been honest about that for a couple of years. But this was different. I just couldn't tell him. In fact to be honest I never did use the "S" word. It just isn't in me to say "I think there's a pretty good possibility that I'll kill myself if you aband... errr... terminate me." Waaaay too dramatic for me. I couldn't get my mouth around those words. I think I told him that this was my last secret from him, and that I had been keeping it from him for years. I told him that I needed to be hospitalized when he terminates me, because I would not be safe with myself, and that he needed to have arrangements made ahead of time, because part of my plan was to lie like crazy to him at the moment. Then we worked out the details of how it would be arranged, and I checked several times to make sure he understood the seriousness of it. A couple of weeks later, I directly referred to our plans involving termination. He mentioned a conversation we had had a few weeks before that about my not wanting to continue therapy after he tells me he's terminating me. I asked over and over if there was anything else he remembered. I told him he was forgetting something important. And he drew a complete blank. Since he always tries to be honest with me, I have to assume he's telling the truth and does not remember that conversation. Doesn't it sound that way to you?> I know it sounds rediculous, but when you said you feel relieved because you asked him questions you were anxious about, how did you do it? Did you have to work it into the conversation or did you just "jump in" and ask him? It's so much easier if my shrink asks me questions, than if I have to "create" my own session.
>
He always makes me responsible for the content of the session. Since it was on my mind I guess I could most honestly say that I brought the conversation to that topic.
>
> Why is it that I feel closer to my shrink when I am NOT in his office? When I am sitting in front of him, I can't let it out.I can't answer that for you, but for me the him I imagine him to be is really more important than the him he really is. Transference.
>
> OK, back to you. (I know, I get side-tracked a lot.) How long have you been seeing this therapist? Do you tell him EVERYTHING? (Except, of course that he has let you down and you are crushed over it.) How long did it take you to feel comfortable with him? Do you think it is now harder for you to talk to him since he has hurt you and it isn't resolved yet? Last question: In your heart, do you know you will resolve this issue with him; are you jst waiting for the nerve or "perfect" opportunity?
>
I have told him everything now. He just forgot some of it. :) I'm not crushed exactly. I have no illusions about the nature of our relationship. I'm angry that he forgot something that was so hard for me to say, and I think it's a bit irresponsible of him. It took me five years to trust him completely and to open up to him emotionally. I was factually honest with him from the start for practical reasons. Therapy is worthless if you aren't honest. But in my particular case, it was equally worthless until I opened up emotionally. Well, I guess it wasn't. It was five years of hard work learning to trust him. It's going to be eight years altogether this spring. In my heart I don't think I'm going to tell him again. But I'm being honest on this board in the hopes that one day it will be less momentous to me and I will be able to be honest with him about it. As long as it looms large in my mind as a secret, I won't tell him again. If I can learn to laugh about it, I might.Thanks for listening Miller.
poster:Dinah
thread:34477
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20021226/msgs/34496.html