Posted by Marie1 on August 11, 2001, at 8:27:42
In reply to Re: spouses and alcohol, posted by Greg A. on August 9, 2001, at 14:45:57
Hi Greg.
I think you misunderstood about drinking at home. I meant to say my husband and I hardly ever drink at home. We always went out. Now that I'm not drinking, he goes out alone. Last night he left around 8 PM and didn't return til about 3 AM. I told him (once again) that this behavior was UNACCEPTABLE to me, and he appeared to have heard me this time. He agreed to stop. We'll see. Maybe what got his attention was I used the "D" word. We never bandied about the idea of divorce lightly. I know he doesn't see a problem with what he does, so I really don't hold out much hope for long-term change, but we'll see...
In your case, why specifically are you thinking about giving up your marriage? I mean, besides the lack of loving feelings. Have you tried to get that back - counseling, or whatever? (I apologise if you addressed this in earlier posts, but my brain's a veritable seive these days!) Do you and your wife argue all the time? How do you think she feels about your marriage? My husband may be clueless as to how I'm really feeling because I haven't actually told him. Do you and your wife discuss breaking up?
I think what you said about depression being an eye opener about what's really going on in our lives is interesting. Maybe that's what is happening with both of us. I don't really think my husband is searching for something. His partying is a habit that he's been developing for about 25 yrs. I think he's actually quite content with life. He's just never grown up. What was fun for a lot of people during college years and early twenties never lost it's appeal for him. And only recently for me. I wonder why this is? Why do some people mature and others don't? Sounds like a question for my pdoc, but I think I fired him this week. Bad move - now I feel more alone than ever.
Okay, here's a sticky question - are you still sexually attracted to your wife? I ask because I know that I'm not really attracted to my husband anymore, although physically he hasn't changed all that much in the last 20 yrs. I guess it's more about how I feel about him as a person. If that desire is gone, and the romance is gone, is it possible to get it back? To me, that's everything.
So, enough ruminating. Hope to hear back from you.Marie
> Marie,
>
> It’s tough when a relationship heads downhill and there doesn’t seem to be a way to stop it. I question whether I am thinking rationally about my relationship with my wife. I know that when I am in a depressed cycle my thought processes seem to be on the irrational side, but lately I have been feeling pretty good and I still wonder if I want to keep on trying to make things work. Then I question just how much effort I am really putting into making it work. Not much I think.
> Your description of your husband only being home when there’s a party does not seem like a good way to have a solid foundation to re-build things. I, too, think about all the past good memories with my wife, but that accumulation of thoughts does little to make me happy right now, and I know that it won’t hold up for the future either. Is your husband looking for something to give meaning to his life? It sounds like he is trying to avoid some critical issues by being high a lot of the time. In the past five years I have really questioned a lot of my goals. I guess you could say it’s a sort of mid-life crisis. I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life, though things could be a lot worse. I am working at trying to slow down and enjoy things more, but it’s hard. Your husband seems to be escaping into a haze. I admire you for not choosing to follow. It seems to me that you are also searching for meaning and having a hard time. I have read that depression is often a signal to take stock and make some changes. Life’s way of saying ‘stop right here and don’t continue the way you have been going.’ It sure is hard to see what the new path might be though.
> You cannot make a relationship work by yourself. You have to have cooperation from the other party and even if you don’t totally agree on what needs to change, you can make progress by talking. You guys are not working together are you?
> Just some miscellaneous thoughts from someone equally as confused by life.
>
> Take care
>
> Greg
poster:Marie1
thread:8862
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010807/msgs/9234.html