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Re: Are Humans pack animals? elaborated 2/2 » Dubya

Posted by dreamer on March 25, 2001, at 22:31:56

In reply to Re: Are Humans pack animals? elaborated 2/2, posted by Dubya on March 25, 2001, at 19:48:48

> I KNOW I AM RAMBLING but plz read further:
>
> All I can say is, not to complain or anything but, I am not good enough at ANY single thing. Besides, people think that I am such a genius or a great friend when I can give advice but, I can never take my own advice. I can only help others and, when no one else is around to be helped, I feel helpless and not needed. I always wonder if any one person I've ever met is a real friend or even just a friend. Something about ME causes ME to SUCK because, people take advantage of ME, I get USED probably because I am STUPID. When nobody is around me, I AUTOMATICALLY assume that I am HATED or CRAZY or NON EXISTENT. I think I BROUGHT THIS ALL onto MYSELF and I DESERVE THIS, SO I HOPE. I am religious and love to be a 'GOOD' person but, the PROBLEM is ME. I've come to the point where I can almost visualize, perhaps through OCD, completely unintentional and UNCONSCIOUS/SUBCONSCIOUS thoughts of not being alive.

When I was not eating and painfully thin,no energy suffering a mentlal illness I didn't know I had I somehow attended art college and must of been seen by others as okay suppose I had that sort of face that everyone trusted with their problems.Most of the time I felt used a substitute for a wall.Inside I was screaming and my suspiscion of people got worse.I actually saw my reflection in the mirror as someone with downs-syndrome and thought people were just being nice because they felt sorry for me I carried this vision around for a long time and hated myself for being stupid.Later after my illness was diagnosed I learnt that the opposite was true I was very pretty and had an inner strength that must of shone through.I know feel Ive missed out on alot because I never expressed how I felt,I still have a few hurdles.
If your asking for this kind of feedback now[I read one of your posts that said that your 20,appologies if Ive got this wrong]youre young ,I am now 34 and only the past 2 years Ive kind of worked myself out so don't feel stupid for asking for advice or questioning yourself others live life sleeping never questioning.
The visualisation of being dead is just a symptom like a runny nose with the flu,I still get this but dont dismiss it if it becomes so intrusive that it feeds on most of your time.Im no good at meds or diagnosis are you able to talk with your parents and doctor? never feel that you are not worth the attention.
Hope this helps,take care.


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poster:dreamer thread:5240
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