Posted by paisleygirl on January 21, 2012, at 11:29:05
In reply to Re: update » paisleygirl, posted by Dinah on January 20, 2012, at 19:41:17
i dont think i would judge others as harshly, but its different when its yourself.
i think too old pdoc, i'm chronically suicidal, chronically self-destructive, chronically looking for ways to make my situation worse, and that i dont know how to get better.
i just keep going down this tunnel and hitting new er and newer lows.
i've never felt as alone in the world as i do have.
i realize over the past months to years, i have isolated myself from all of my old close friends.
i'm like a stranger now. and i think i've turned into a ghost of a person.i've done bad stuff. and i know better.
i've cut, i've looked for old men online to hurt me and abuse me- and then met up with several regularly. really self-destructive stuff. ive taken too much tylenol from time to time, but not enough to cause ultimate fulminant liver damage.and i guess to my old pdoc i ignored her recommendation regarding dbt treatment, but really i dont think i did that on purpose. i think the true reason is i feel like i cannot afford it. well actually not "i feel like", i really cannot afford it at this time. i'm behind in all my bills as it is.
i have no family i can turn to for support, my friends are gone and if i try to get back in their lives with this stuff, they are going to just think i'm psycho and scary and not the same person i was. if i say anything to my boss or people at work to try and get help, it will just look bad, and i will get into more trouble at work.
so i really think i've calmed down and have thought things through. i just dont know what to do. i dont see a solution.
even if i saw a new pdoc tomorrow, which i dont think is possible, i have a very hard time trusting people and i'm not going to just blab out "oh by the way, i have thoughts of killing myself like several times a day". it takes time to build up trust to let someone know that in person for me.
i could prescribe myself some prozac and re-start that, but that will take a couple weeks to have an effect.
i dont know. i am hurt by old pdoc. i feel alone. she's just another person to add to the list of people who have abandoned me. i agree i was difficult. i dont think i meant to be. i dont know.
so confused so confused.
sorry that i just rattled off what i was thinking.> You wouldn't judge others so harshly would you?
>
> I've told you I've had a similar experience with a pdoc. Would you call me those things?
>
> I'm sorry you are losing a trusted pdoc. Losing my therapist is one of my biggest fears. It's a big loss.
poster:paisleygirl
thread:1007661
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20111220/msgs/1007979.html