Posted by antigua3 on February 6, 2009, at 22:04:37
In reply to Re: Testing - trigger » antigua3, posted by DAisym on February 6, 2009, at 20:02:00
"What does that say about us that we love him?"
This is the wound that was opened so deeply in the session w/my pdoc last time. What does it say about me that I have these feelings? It makes me feel as if I am as perverted as he was, and the shame is overwhelming. I've never felt this alignment with my father before in all my years of therapy. And to know that the man sitting across from me in the therapy room now knows that I still have these intense, complicated, inappropriate feelings for my father is more than I can bear.
Constant abandonments right and left, from both parents, made my life so unpredictable and left me believing that no one is to be trusted, because they all leave in the end. Even when they came back, I was never safe, because who know who would leave next and where I would end up?
I don't say this for anyone to feel sorry for me; I've just come to realize AGAIN, how screwed up I am, despite all my therapeutic work.
So,yes, this is another "after" hangover, as you describe it, and you describe it very well. It does feel like being shattered into a million pieces w/no map for putting it back together again unless I trust. And I just can't do that. Yes, I trusted my pdoc w/my most inner feelings, but I don't trust him, and with that attitude, I'm not going to succeed, I know that.
I think, also, that my pdoc wouldn't respond because he wouldn't want to reinforce the pattern we are working to break. And that hurts.
I'm sorry you're tortured about how much of your T you can really ever have, and how to find a place where it will be enough one day. I can see that coming for you. I see that path you're on, and I see you getting stronger every day, although there are lots of peaks and valleys along the way. I wish I could make it better for you,but you have a great T to help you through, and he IS there for you, you know that.
Pride does play an important role. Sometimes I think of it more as hubris, and even, for me, a tendency toward narcissistic behavior, developing an over confidence in myself that's not based in reality any more than my deep despair is.
I'm going to try and put this away for the weekend. I see my pdoc on Tuesday and my T on Wednesday; what a week it will be.
thanks for all your support, Daisy,
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:878199
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/878638.html