Posted by antigua3 on February 6, 2009, at 20:28:59
In reply to Re: Ruptures w/ our Ts ( interminably long response!) » antigua3, posted by lucie lu on February 6, 2009, at 16:38:10
Please understand that I don't think you did anything wrong. They were things that had to be said, and had been said by others but I had deflected them with sarcasm, denial and intelligence, which wasn't a very nice thing to do, and I'm very sorry.
Not a really great way to think about myself, but as it has been pointed out to me on many an occasion, my strength is my greatest weakness. Being vulnerable is not safe and so I fight like a mother lion does to protect her cubs--I'm fighting for the little girl w/o taking into consideration the help I can give her that doesn't have to be based on these false precepts.
But when it comes to dealing w/men, and authority figures in particular, I'm at a loss as to how to have a "proper" relationship. I really don't think I can ever break through that barrier and while I will make another try at it w/my pdoc, I don't see it turning out any different.
I have a cedar chest in my mind where if I'm lucky, I can stuff the feelings inside and open them again when I'm in a safe place. But the panic this time around has made this process impossible. I can't find my peaceful center, the one I've worked so hard to create and I'm just all over the place. The funny thing is that IRL, things are going well. The false front is holding up fine. But that's the great strength, again, of my denial. I don't think I can ever truly let me guard down to get the help I need.
Thank you for your advice. You are very kind,
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:878199
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/878609.html