Posted by lucie lu on February 6, 2009, at 16:38:10
In reply to Re: Ruptures w/ our Ts ( interminably long response!) » lucie lu, posted by antigua3 on February 6, 2009, at 14:56:53
The last thing I wanted to do was make you cry, Antigua :( I was trying to validate your needs and help soften the perceived "deal with it" aspects. But I guess I am not surprised that to talk about these things made you cry because there was so much pain in your posts. I recently went through something very similar, and perhaps that was reverberating in me when I read and answered your post. But the last thing I wanted to do was to drive you further into the rabbit hole, and I feel that I did that. Not intentionally, but I did.
When I enter crisis mode these days, it is usually because (1) a number of buttons have been pushed IRL and (2) whoosh, a door opens and down I slide, like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Then I am stuck in the past, and not in a great place. Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed with grief from old wounds as you are now it helps to simply say, if you can, I can't deal with this now and try to put it in a box. For me, I imagine my transference pit to be the basement of my house (life), and at times all I can do to stop looking at the mess is to turn off the lights and close the door firmly behind me. Not that this is easy to do nor am I always successful - it's just a strategy my T taught me to try to keep myself from getting further overwhelmed and spiralling downward.
You know, I've started thinking about this sort of crisis in myself as transference "storms." I had one a couple of weeks ago, and it felt pretty terrible. Something sets off some real, deep feelings, a strong connection between past and present and then - I'm off and running. The storm escalates because then everything IRL becomes more fodder for the storm, rather than grounding me in the present. Then I am lost. Eventually my activation levels finally drop because they can't keep up those high levels indefinitely. That is probably the sort of thing you've been reading about PTSD brains. We fall so easily into old grooves that are deep and well-worn from time.
For me I have found it helpful to try, when these things happen, to focus on dealing with the reality of the storm itself rather than its content. At least until I can things get back under control. Someone told me recently, and I think it is great advice at times like this, to try to stay out of my own head because it is triggering. And she was right on the mark. Somehow the temptation at times like these is to troll for insights - after all, you're right there - but I don't think it's the best thing to do when caught in a T-storm. With my most recent one, I actually did jot down just a few connections that occurred to me, similar to those you listed in your reply, for later examination. Then I tried to put it away for later. And then I took some Ativan. What you really need most at times like this is grounding in the present, and put the past on ice if you can. For now. You can always go back later under more controlled conditions and see what useful connections can be made. I am learning that you can have profound insights that are not born out of great pain. I always thought the opposite - no pain, no gain - but I don't think that's true as often as we think because it's hard to think straight when you're hurting.
I hope you can draw some support from Babble, where you can talk about these things with candor and get empathy and encouragement. We may be communicating in cyberspace but we are all real people typing on our laptops as we think of one another and what we'd like to say to each other.
Love,
Lucie
poster:lucie lu
thread:878199
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/878522.html