Posted by JayMac on October 3, 2008, at 12:59:47
In reply to Re: Do you know where your T....? » JayMac, posted by Nadezda on October 3, 2008, at 10:58:13
I saw my T this morning. During the first half, we spoke about my past romantic relationships. I had to stop though, and I told her that I want to continue the topic, but I needed to discuss another issue. I told her that I went searching for her late at night, even though she was away visiting family. I told her that I've been googling her and have found out more information about her. I told her that I think I came across her address. I didn't give specifics, I didn't tell her the address that I think she lives at. I don't know if that was necessary to say. I told her that if I was in a lot of hurt and pain that I would want to go to her house and knock on her door, but I'm also afraid of that. She asked me what I was afriad of, I said that she will open and be upset. I said there's a 99.9% chance that I would not do it. I'm even afraid of calling her cell phone and crossing that boundary. I don't know if I would have the nerve to knock on her front door.
When our time was up, I didn't want to move. I just wanted to stay there forever. I was about to cry. I would have let myself, if I didn't have to go to work right afterwards. While she was writing my insurance receipt, she asked me how I was feeling. I told her I wanted to cry. She asked me where that was coming from, and I told her that I think I'm grieving my mom. She warmly agreed (we have previously spoken about my needing to grieve about my lack of a mother growing up). I know she could tell I was feeling a whole lot, she gave me a very empathic, concerned look. I was about to burst into tears.
On my way to work, a couple tears came out. I was about to take the day off, but I cannot afford not to work today.I still have a lot going on inside me right now. It's really really really hard right now to contain it all. I need my container (aka my T). I want to feel close to her (major transference: my mom) soooooo incredibly bad.
This hurts. But I know I can see her next week and we can continue our work together. I just hope I don't get too depressed and anxious with all of this.
I don't know if this post makes any sense. I'm typing quickly. Let me know if you want me to clarify.
Thanks.
poster:JayMac
thread:855293
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080920/msgs/855521.html