Posted by sunnydays on July 24, 2008, at 22:24:38
Today's session wasn't good. I didn't feel like he really heard me. He kept suggesting things and not hearing the deeper stuff behind what I was saying, it felt like. And then I was crying and crying about being alone and all of a sudden he said, "We have to stop in a minute, sunnydays." That just made me cry harder. And he didn't say anything. He just moved to his desk, said, "I'm not trying to be insensitive to the pain you're in, I'm just conscious of the need to write a receipt for you." (or something like that). And then I mentioned I needed to reschedule next week due to a conflict I had, and we looked and nothing on the day he works, so he called me tonight and left a message with times. But they don't work, so waiting to hear back from him. And then I wrote a check, stood up, and was scared and crying and trying to collect myself. Usually he'll tell me it's ok or something. But he just opened the door and I was hesitating and still collecting myself and he said, "There's no one else here (in the office) so you don't need to worry about running into anyone or anything." And that just felt to me like "Get out of my office," and I all of a sudden just gave up and got really frustrated and just shoved the check at him, took my receipt and left. Usually I say goodbye or something, but I didn't say anything. And I wrote him an email a short while later saying I was mad at him and why.
And also that I was mad because he told me explicitly to email him last week with the things I didn't have time to say and then he started the session saying he didn't have time to read the two emails I sent him. So he didn't know any of the important stuff. And we just weren't clicking today.
Now I'm really sad and scared that he won't be able to find a time to meet next week. He responded to my email and said, "I can appreciate that you are angry w/ me and that is totally ok with me." (I was scared in my email that by saying that he was going to go away).
I feel really vulnerable and scared right now. I don't understand why there was nothing today. I want to feel not alone and comforted so much, and it just didn't happen even a little tiny bit today. It doesn't have to be the whole session, but I need enough to hold onto to get me through the week.
I hate this. please be nice to me
sunnydays
poster:sunnydays
thread:841893
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080709/msgs/841893.html