Posted by raisinb on July 11, 2008, at 15:02:12
My relationship with my therapist, anyway.
We have had these intense ups and downs for three years--amazing connections, where I felt totally seen, understood, and valued--and terrible rejections, that made me depressed, ultimately almost suicidal. Every session I fought her-- yelled, criticized, withdrew (lots of times, I was justified, I think, but I certainly didn't work with her most of the time).
But now it seems--more muted. I decided to trust her, and now I just answer her questions and take risks to tell her my feelings, rather than making her fight to get there.
I don't know at all whether I like it. We are making progress. After sessions, I have warm feelings about her--I'm so happy to have her in my life. I still have all the same fears of abandonment and rejection, but I want to tell her about them, rather than punishing her for occasionally making them come true. I don't really want to sleep with her anymore, or if I do, it's an occasional urge that seems like a feeling, not a desperate imperative. I guess I just want to do the work.
At the same time, I like her so much more. Even love her (I was thinking about that L word thread above, and I think I might be getting there).
But I miss the intensity, and I miss seeing her fight to get to me every session. It showed how committed she was; I worry she doesn't care now that it's not such a struggle. I worry it's become boring for her. I worry she didn't care that much to begin with, and now the truth is coming out.
I can't go back to all the anger and mistrust and fighting. I decided to change and it was necessary for me. My mistrust and self-hatred would have killed me eventually. In a way, it's one of the best things that ever happened to me.
But I'm worried--I don't know what is coming next--I don't know if our connection will survive when there's not so much drama. I don't know if I challenge her anymore. I worry our relationship will just peter out.
Yesterday she said something praising me (usually, I don't think she means this stuff--this time I didn't either), and I told her. She said, very seriously, she had meant it, but she'd think about how she sounded when she said stuff like that. All of a sudden, I burst out laughing! Suddenly, all the delicacy, the way we have to tiptoe around each other seemed so funny. It was like we had been walking a high tightrope, thinking there were bombs underneath the whole time, and suddenly we were dumped off into a bunch of pillows. It just seemed hilarious, this immense relief. I don't know what to make of this. I *never* laugh--genuinely, anyway--in sessions.
I'm scared and happy and relaxed all at the the same time...plus I'm on antidepressants now, and how much of this is meds and how much is real change?
Sorry this is so long, rambling, just trying to sort things out, this is confusing...
poster:raisinb
thread:839276
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080709/msgs/839276.html