Posted by Daisym on April 5, 2007, at 0:28:16
In reply to Re: Group therapy is hard » Daisym, posted by TherapyGirl on April 2, 2007, at 17:35:42
So I reread all your posts and then I screwed up my courage and when it was my turn tonight I said, "I want to talk about how I'm feeling invisible in here." Our therapist was obviously surprised, but she really worked with me to try to get a picture of what I was saying. It is a hard thing to articulate without it sounding like, "you never pay attention to me" which isn't what I meant at all.
It made me cry to hear the responses. I was right, they really did/do see me as super-together and competent. One of the group members said, "you are so hard to read, I never know what you are thinking. You always look so calm." Another said she really didn't know that I needed them or that I was in so much pain. She said, "I know why you are here and that it is hard for you to talk about your memories, but I don't think of you as needing our support for your life." I said I needed their support for my healing.
I said I knew this was a pattern of mine - making myself invisible by being "fine"-- but I didn't want to do this anymore. I guess I'm trying to learn what Zen has learned - ask for help and let people listen. It is really hard. I'm so much better at fixing them.
Interestingly, but not surprisingly, the group therapist talked about what she did and didn't do last week. She got it wrong, she said she didn't extend an invitation to me to talk, but she did, at the very end. It was framed as, "you are awfully quiet tonight." I didn't argue with her though. She seemed a little bit defensive while trying not to be. She offered to help me enter into conversations if I can figure out how to indicate that I'd like to do that. So I'll think about that.
And at the end, everyone told me how brave I was, how they could never have been so vulnerable with their needs and how good it was that we all talked about this. Blah. Isn't that just what I didn't want to hear? I mean, yeah, I'm glad they didn't all get mad at me for bringing it up. But isn't this kind of still the original problem? They think I did the right thing - the hard thing that no one ever wants to do or actually does -- so I'm great. I'm an overachiever, again.
I cried when I got to my car. Relief, stress, frustration. It isn't group, or the therapist or anything. It is just me. I want to do something really, really insane and bad. I want to be wrong. I want someone to tell me I'm wrong and then fix me. I'm tired of the being a good girl.
It is too hard to keep being this good. Feels like I'm on a very high, very thin rope, with no net. I wish someone would push me off.
poster:Daisym
thread:745674
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070324/msgs/747114.html